If someone ask "How I am", the response is ok. But I do not feel ok inside. I lost my younger brother to suicide, my mother to lung cancer, but the loss of my husband has taken a toll that I cannot explain. The emotional and mental toll is huge... on the outside, I look fine..still go out for my daily runs, still involved in my career, but on the inside, I'm a complete mess. Every thinking hour my brain is consumed with the loss of my husband. I blame myself. I blame myself for not doing enough. I blame myself for not responding fast enough. I blame myself for missing the schedule for his medication. I miss him.

He died in my arms on an early, cold February morning of this year... a week before our 16th wedding anniversary, my birthday and his birthday. The diagnosis had hit us hard but he took it in great stride. He was cheerful, happy, upbeat... Our last good night we spent eating pizza after 10pm, laughing, and having a great night, planning our next trip to Jamaica. It was our last good night. It was the last night I heard his voice. The next day multiple seizures happened and then it was a downward spiral. He never recovered, even when I prayed and begged for him to wake up and say "hey kid"... it never happened. He died in my arms.  Just writing this and I'm breaking down in tears. I just need an outlet to vent and to understand that I'm not unique in this situation. We all grieve.

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I know how you feel.  Until someone goes through the same ordeal they can not truthfully say they know how it feels to lose a loved one..  Held my husband in my arms in the  late evening on April 28 of this year. I prayed with  and for him, I cried  and prayed more and cried more.  Told him everything was going to be alright and  that God was with us all the way. About 12:30 AM he calmed down and I walked into our bedroom to try to get some sleep. ( Had him at home with Hospice of the Valley) and he was in the living room resting in a very comfortable hospital bed). My son was with us that night and was with my husband just before he took his last breath. He passed into the Arms of Jesus at 4:15 AM  April 29 2014. It has now been almost seven months and  the memories return in my thinking daily.  Could I have done more?  Did I fail  him by leaving the room when I did ? Do not think there was anything else that  I could have done to ease the misery he went through.. I have accepted his leaving me behind. Know in my heart that  his pain, cravings, sufferings, and confusions are no longer ..  He is free from all troubles and heartaches . How beautiful Heaven Must be.  Will reunite with him, my family members and friends when I take my Journey to Heaven.  GOD Bless and keep each of you, in HIS Loving Arms,..as you continue with your grieving today.

Louraniah,

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. 

Sandra

I lost my brother 7 days after he was found to have a mass in his chest, 5 days after we learned it was testicular cancer which has a very high cure rate. He seemed healthy, and then so utterly sick in a matter of days. I had seen him about 4 weeks before for first time in a year. We talked all the time but distance kept us from physically seeing each other. He had been trying to lose weight and was happy to have me see how successful he'd been. But my first thought when I saw him was "what is wrong with him?" I work in health care and I knew he had not just lost weight, he was cachexic. And it was from the cancer. But how could that be, so I did not say anything. Deep down I know that 4 weeks probably would not have changed the outcome but it is hard knowing the chemo takes about 3-4 weeks to start working and if I had said something then, maybe he would be here now. The whole experience was surreal and the flashbacks to that week in the hospital are so overwhelming sometimes. The guilt I feel for not being able to fix my brother is too much some days. But I have been letting my personal experience benefit the patients I care for when I can give. I did not want this gift of knowing what others go through on an intimate level, but I am trying to pay the kindness my family received forward as much as I can. That is the only way I have found to be able to healthily grieve this loss.
My deepest sympathies to all. The pain is unbearable when losing someone one loves ever so deeply. I feel I could have done things differently. The flashbacks are terrifying. I have no friends that understand or care. My immediate family try to help. Sometimes its so hard to carry on when you feel so alone in this dark cell. Hardest thing to bear is knowing my Mum suffered so badly for all those years. But I feel my Mum lives in my heart and I live my life for her. I love you Mum, always my treasure. May all of you find peace and may your journeys be hopeful.

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