Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
If someone ask "How I am", the response is ok. But I do not feel ok inside. I lost my younger brother to suicide, my mother to lung cancer, but the loss of my husband has taken a toll that I cannot explain. The emotional and mental toll is huge... on the outside, I look fine..still go out for my daily runs, still involved in my career, but on the inside, I'm a complete mess. Every thinking hour my brain is consumed with the loss of my husband. I blame myself. I blame myself for not doing enough. I blame myself for not responding fast enough. I blame myself for missing the schedule for his medication. I miss him.
He died in my arms on an early, cold February morning of this year... a week before our 16th wedding anniversary, my birthday and his birthday. The diagnosis had hit us hard but he took it in great stride. He was cheerful, happy, upbeat... Our last good night we spent eating pizza after 10pm, laughing, and having a great night, planning our next trip to Jamaica. It was our last good night. It was the last night I heard his voice. The next day multiple seizures happened and then it was a downward spiral. He never recovered, even when I prayed and begged for him to wake up and say "hey kid"... it never happened. He died in my arms. Just writing this and I'm breaking down in tears. I just need an outlet to vent and to understand that I'm not unique in this situation. We all grieve.
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I know how you feel. Until someone goes through the same ordeal they can not truthfully say they know how it feels to lose a loved one.. Held my husband in my arms in the late evening on April 28 of this year. I prayed with and for him, I cried and prayed more and cried more. Told him everything was going to be alright and that God was with us all the way. About 12:30 AM he calmed down and I walked into our bedroom to try to get some sleep. ( Had him at home with Hospice of the Valley) and he was in the living room resting in a very comfortable hospital bed). My son was with us that night and was with my husband just before he took his last breath. He passed into the Arms of Jesus at 4:15 AM April 29 2014. It has now been almost seven months and the memories return in my thinking daily. Could I have done more? Did I fail him by leaving the room when I did ? Do not think there was anything else that I could have done to ease the misery he went through.. I have accepted his leaving me behind. Know in my heart that his pain, cravings, sufferings, and confusions are no longer .. He is free from all troubles and heartaches . How beautiful Heaven Must be. Will reunite with him, my family members and friends when I take my Journey to Heaven. GOD Bless and keep each of you, in HIS Loving Arms,..as you continue with your grieving today.
Louraniah,
Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words.
Sandra
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