Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jean on October 22, 2014 at 11:12pm

I am very sorry for your loss. When in the very early times of grieving people can and will say all the wrong things. Everyone is wearing their emotions on their sleeve. The best thing for you to do right now is take care of yourself. Now is a very hard time for everyone he knew and you and his family.

I lost my mother 20 months ago and I am still grieving. I believe I will have a void in my heart for the rest of my life. Somehow we are supposed to go on one day at a time.

When she passed it was one minute at a time. Then one hour at a time.

Crying is good for you. Yelling is also normal. I was crying just a few minutes ago.

I guess it gets easier but we will never get over the loss. Just learn to live with that ever present void.

I saw your post and just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

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Permalink Reply by Vee on October 23, 2014 at 9:26am

Thanks Jean. You got it right, i feel a big void in my life. I`d give anything to have him back with me. I wasn`t even there when he passed, and didnt get to say goodbye to him. He was such a beautiful person with a wonderful heart. This is all just too much to bear. So many horrible people out there in this world still breathing, but my "gorgeous" as i called him, isn`t. Its unfair :(

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Permalink Reply by morgan on October 23, 2014 at 9:50pm

Vee, 

There is nothing right now that is going to do much to soothe you from the shock of losing the love of your life.  My husband died in Jan of 2013 having been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer on the day of Xmas in 2012 and I am now approaching the two year mark and can honestly say I still have all the same feelings I had on the day he died.  

I do believe it varies to a certain extent for everyone how hard it is but you cannot run away from the grief especially right now.  It will consume you for the time being.  That part is normal.  All we can do in the situation is take it one small baby step at a time and one moment at a time.  If all you can do is cry in pain then that is what you will do. If you cry at the supermarket or post office then that is what you will do.  If you eat a lot or just a little it is your mind doing all it can do to get food into your body.  It will be hard. In fact it will be the most difficult thing you will ever do.  But all of that is normal.  Our brains cannot respond any differently.

I believe for some people talking to a grief counselor helps.  I went to a secular group for three sessions held by a local hospice and it was ok, not great but ok.  I tried a couple other "counseling" situations but  I read continuously online where I found more people who had gone through it and posted their feelings.  That helped probably more.  I, like you, want answers.  Why?  Where is he?  How do I go on without him?  I am not religious and cannot find my answers there.  Technically there are no answers and the pain is just what happens to us when we lose the person who gave us love.  Real love.  

There are moments of complete desperation and then there are moments of total distraction.  Commonly we don't always recognize which is which or they constantly interfere with each other.  I have tried to distract myself and to an extent you too will do it and be successful.  But then the thoughts of loss interfere.  Bottom line is you will not feel like you are living any semblance of what you called reality before.  I do have one friend who has been a stalwart and allows me to be me in all facets but to most people i pull on a mask and pretend as by this point I feel they are tired of hearing about my pain. 

I think the thing is……...we never get over it we just go through it.  Getting through it each of us chooses how we pass the moments.  And believe me, you will take it moment by moment for quite awhile.  All of us have had the same exact conscious feelings and thoughts as you have about not wanting to carry on or giving anything to join him.  That's the part of having now met death with your loved one.  I wish you luck in finding your own way through it as I have no solutions just empathy for knowing exactly how you are feeling.  

BTW, my husband and I were together 35 years. I miss him every moment of every day and am only hopeful I don't last too long.  It's the only thing in my 62 years that has ever gotten the better of me and I really have nothing else to look forward to.  And that is ok for me.  Everyone's reality is different and you might hope at your age that you could still find a way through it for other reasons. I wish you well.  

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Permalink Reply by Vee on October 24, 2014 at 5:22am

Thank you for taking the time to try give me some answers. I dont even know where to begin in replying. I cried through the entire letter as it struck a chord somewhere inside. I will try to go on somehow as i know thats what he`d have wanted. But i know it wont be east. Everyone tells me i`ll be fine in a few months, and that i`ll get over it. But just by reading some letters here i know i`ll never get over it, and it`ll hurt for a long time to come. Ive never lost anyone close to me before, and never expected the first to be my precious Eddie. I dont feel i can function right now, but i`ll try, minute by minute. Thank you for the nice thoughts. 

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Permalink Reply by Vee on October 24, 2014 at 10:07am

Thank you Zell. I can relate to almost everything you say. I`ll keep crying till my tears dry up, then when i`ve enough gathered again, i`ll weep some more. Can`t look around without seeing photos of his beautiful big smile. I want to smile when i look at them, but can`t. For now all i can do is cry about what could have been, but was cruelly taken away :(

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