Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 4, 2014 at 12:43pm

It will always be this way for me, even though my family wishes that were not the case, and a lot of people don't understand it. But my soulmate died at age 40, one week after our wedding -- how the hell could anyone expect me to ever want to live again? That simply isn't going to happen.

There is NO good reason why our loves were killed or allowed to die. I don't care if god itself, if there is such a being, came and told me why it happened -- fuck that, no reason is good enough, period.

If helping to take care of the triplets is too exhausting for you, then you need to tell your son and DIL that. I'm sure they are well-intentioned, and as you said they are doing it to help you, but if you need to dial it back then you need to tell them.  I'm sorry you are in this hell.

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Permalink Reply by Pauline Grutzeck Romano on October 4, 2014 at 12:38pm

I do know how you feel. I would never commit suicide. cause my family would be tortured. We CANNOT do that to them. Please don't consider it.. I would rather live with my pain, then to ever do anything to cause my loved ones any pain.

I'm so miserable. I truly believe in God. We are not supposed to understand why things happen. We have to have faith.. I was such a happy person. My husband and I were truly in Love. We were married 30 years and it went so fast. I don't know how to live without him.. I started my 2nd year and I think its worse.. I have 3 beautiful grandkids that I adore...But its not enough. I want my life back and I know thats impossible...Im just functioning, like a robot. I never knew such sadness...

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 4, 2014 at 12:50pm

I very well may commit suicide, though not in the immediate future. I have no desire to hurt my loved ones, but if they love me (and they do) then they have no desire for me to be hurt either, and every second of this horrific "life" is torturous for me, without my husband here.

No, I don't want to hurt them -- but should I then have to live in anguish for 5 or 20 or 50 years? I refuse to do that.

If faith in God helps you, then that's great (I mean that sincerely). I have zero faith in a loving god. I was agnostic before my husband died, now I am basically atheist -- and if a god does exist, I have no use for her/him. That god didn't prevent my husband from dying, didn't allow us to have the life here that we deserve and should have had, so I say screw her/him.  If there is an afterlife, I want only to be with my husband (and eventually my other family members). I don't give a damn if there's a god there or not.

My husband and I were very happy together, too. We had financial problems, and his evil bitch of an incubator (she was never a mother) should have died years ago, instead of my wonderful husband, but we had each other, and my family, and some of his family, and friends, etc.  For me, it's not just that I don't know how to live without him -- I cannot do so, and even if I could, I refuse to do so. I died when he died. The sooner god or the universe or whatever catches on to that and lets my body stop, the better. I will never do anything with my life, I am done with all of this.  I would rather cease to exist altogether (if there is no afterlife) than to continue with this farce of life.

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on October 5, 2014 at 2:06am

I agree, I would not let death win either or hurt my family, the death of my soul is all he will get from me.

I am so sorry for you, I wish I could find the words to help you, but I have found there are none...

Good Luck and God Bless

 

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on October 3, 2014 at 7:38pm

I am sorry that your family is away, and that it is to painful to be around your friends... I find the same thing happens when I am with my family. I love them and I am determined for them to have a sister/daughter/mother/grandmother no matter what price I have to pay for them to have this. I find the price very high. But they don't know this and I don't wish for them to, so I go on with my life.... This is what makes me so alone.

I do not know if you have seen my other comments, but I carry my soulmate with me all the time, and some times espicaly when I am with my sons or grandchildren I get so mad at him because he is not here and he is missing all of this I think I will go insane. I talk to him all the time I have done this so much I can hear the comments that he would make and it makes me laugh out loud (as this generation says). He also lets me know when I am doing or not doing things I should be. Sounds crazy does it not.????

I wish for the best for you and I hope that you find a way to speak to your soulmate, so you can know that he loves you still and you know that he knows you love him still, It makes a big difference if you know that..

God Bless you

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on October 3, 2014 at 8:03pm

You will find your own brand of happiness, it will never be what you had. I am new to this also but I have found ways of bring some type of peace to myself, and my children. You will to

Good Luck
God Bless

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Permalink Reply by Shirley on October 4, 2014 at 10:01pm

My heart feels for you too. We are never prepared for the loss of a loved on, but it happens to all of us. Short story about my life.  I lost the love of my life back in 1969.  We had four young kids and he passed with Lung Cancer.   He was only 38.  I thought my life had ended and was not good to anyone for a period of time. One day, about six months later,  it dawned on me that I was a widow with small kids to raise by myself.  I realized they did not have a chance without me, so I slowly got back into reality,  raised the kids and now they are all grown with grand kids for me. It is a tough, row to hoe as the old saying goes, but it can be accomplished.  Met a wonderful man and remarried in 1999 and lost him five months ago . To Lung Cancer. which had attacked his body in five different places. This has been a double whammy on me, but today I struggle hard to get through each day and patiently await what is going to cross my path next. Will never marry again and just wait until it my time to leave this troubled world and  find Peace and Contentment in the here after. Blessings sent your way and please have a good week-end.

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on October 5, 2014 at 2:11am

Thank you I am glad to know that when we must we can find a way to cope. It will never be what it once was, but it will be all I can make it. Grandchildren do help alot, and so do children I am proud that you live as a testament that in one way or another we can all make it..

Thank you I know it was not easy..

God Bless You

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on October 5, 2014 at 2:03am

I understand that I was holding my three week granddaughter today and I almost lost it thinking about all he is missing. I also talk to my soul all the time, I know he is hearing me so that comforts me.. I am sorry this makes it worse for you...
God Bless

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Permalink Reply by Sandi on October 6, 2014 at 11:02pm

Thanks for your response Bluebird. For me it's a double edge sword. I can go back to doing nothing with the kids and grieving & crying all day or getting worn out with the kids.don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to have the triplets & my other grandkids. I have never been with the the other 6 kids daily like I have been with them. After soccer practice today the girl I had with me asked me when I would start taking them to TKD again? I was honest & told her I didn't know if I ever could. My husband & I signed them up 3 years ago & taking them was something we always did together.
I will figure it out & be able to live with myself,
Kindest Regards,
Sandi

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on October 6, 2014 at 11:12pm

I'm not suggesting you stop spending time with them altogether, just maybe cut it down a bit if you find that it wears you out too much.

(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

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Permalink Reply by Sandi on October 7, 2014 at 12:14pm

Thanks bluebird I know what you mean. Today is their TKD class & their other grandma will be taking them to it again. I find that I am avoiding everyone who I have ever even spoken to who knew me as an us. I tried to explain to her that I'm not ready for anyone to ask me about grandpa & I don't know if I ever will be. She is very intuitive & I said when she was born that she had the eyes of an old soul & that has proven to be the case. She asked me if it was because when anyone says something about grandpa that it makes me cry? Once again thru the tears I answered yes. I try very hard to keep my sadness at bay around the kids & let my emotions go when I'm alone, but sometimes the even a smell can set it off. I keep saying, one day at a time but my days are just running together with no break between them.

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