Another day without Carol Ann.

Its the 28th of August and im alone again without my Carol Ann.

As time is going on i am understanding a little more about Carol Ann and I ,just a little at a time.

Our relationship was no rose garden in any way although we actually had 6 very good years out of the entire relationship.

The rest of the time waas fighting and forgetting about fighting working allot and at times ignoring each other ,than sometimes we where very close.

I decided to write regularly because i think it helps me structure my reassembalage of my life.

I was thinking today about my suicide attempt some 9 years ago and i think that was one thing that really messed things up for us.

I think i really hurt her so much by doing that the relationship never recovered.

Im so sorry Carol for that .

Maybe if i post a little every day .It might help me deal with this.

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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on September 8, 2014 at 4:14am

I honestly thought I would be thrown off this site for that link but apparently its still there. Its very expression really. I feel so bad about every thing. Sorry it was so raw.

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on September 12, 2014 at 3:32am

Sorry for the late reply.

Yeah I went at art school .i have a dip art and a post grad degree.

Yeah when i get settled i plan to start painting again but for the moment I have resigned myself to renting for about a year and gone totally digital.

So so . Today I have working all day and i have been smiling some more. I seem to be coming to terms with Carol Anns death i wrote some words about it want to read some .Its about about our time in San Dago.

https://gabrielle.self-injury.net/topic/133733-the-smell-of-a-fende...

yeah i getting feelings of all sorts of things.

Im ok . At least i have got up off the dam floor. That's an achievement for me.

Hope your ok bluebird.

I guess we all find our place eventually.

here a picture of me smiling today. So i guess its a new season.

https://safe-haven.staticish.com/uploads/monthly_09_2014/post-27728...

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on September 8, 2014 at 2:00pm

So its September 9 .Today is looking ok and I am grateful for that .I am feeling safer than I did yesterday. I am starting to do more things like write some music and just hobby stuff that brings me a bit of pleasure.

I know yesterday I said to myself just do something nice for lis ok. That kind new behaviour for me as usually im so functionally focused.

The mess really evolved around this health problem that needs surgery. Now that really messed my plans up. If it was not for that I would be well on my way to finding a home where I can stay and get on with some work.

It got so complicated and I just shake my head about it all.

It was a mess really.

Actually it makes sense because it’s the Australian doctors are so much better than the Mexicans really .Or well the Mexicans I had they just picked up what the main issue was in me where as the Mexicans just missed it all.

Oh well.

I will get a home eventually I am very sure in a place I can be proud of and take care of.

Today is looking pretty non-threatening and it’s kind of boarding.

Oh I got the confidence to get my hair done tomorrow which means basically imp feeling better about myself.

I’m so terribly lonely without Carol Ann still and it’s been over a year since she passed. I guess after 17 years it takes allot of time ay.

Permalink Reply by Sandy Hendrix on December 7, 2014 at 11:14am

Hi Elizabeth, just saw your posts on here.  The painting you showed us is amazing, you are very talented.  I hope you are having better days now.

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