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Another day without Carol Ann.
Its the 28th of August and im alone again without my Carol Ann.
As time is going on i am understanding a little more about Carol Ann and I ,just a little at a time.
Our relationship was no rose garden in any way although we actually had 6 very good years out of the entire relationship.
The rest of the time waas fighting and forgetting about fighting working allot and at times ignoring each other ,than sometimes we where very close.
I decided to write regularly because i think it helps me structure my reassembalage of my life.
I was thinking today about my suicide attempt some 9 years ago and i think that was one thing that really messed things up for us.
I think i really hurt her so much by doing that the relationship never recovered.
Im so sorry Carol for that .
Maybe if i post a little every day .It might help me deal with this.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on
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Today I am not feeling so utterly devastated. I had some tears this morning and I am still having to force myself to do any thing .
It seems like so many things remind me of Carol Ann. I watch old holly wood movies allot and the ones shot in the 1950 and 60 even remind me of what it would have been like to grow up yhose times in the United states.
You see we had been to allot of the places where those films where shot and I recognise the places but I am crying less about them.
Im taking medication for depression and its helping me to see matters in more perspective.
I did not wish to take medication but I had to as I have allot of work to do am are half way in between moving and relocating in another country.
I could not do this while laying in bed crying all day on and off.
I have taken meds for many years as I do have mental illness. I was off them for some months but life was getting too much for me and I was going to end up in hospital and that would have been a real step backward for me to finding anything in life.
Where I am staying at the moment is like a deserted country town in Australia. Its impossible to make friends here .I usually make friends through work.I had a number of medical issues to work through. I have worked through two out of the four.
I have to have an operation to remove a gall bladder in about 2 months time and I have to fly to Sydney on business .I can not afford to be sick. Carol Ann would not have wanted that for me.
She would be also proud of me for keeping the apartment I rented in this place clean and in order.
I think about her many times a day.
I spend my days watching old moves and studying the ruless of the road as I want to get my drivers licence back again. Funny I only have one thing material to remind myself of Carol Ann like a keepsake. Her husband took everything. I wish I had a picture of her .She would never let me take a picture of her .Maybe it was because of the cherrokee in her or maybe she was just shy.I dont know.
Today is better than yesterday for me but its the meds .I dont know how I feel about that.
I have an online mormorial to her.I think I posted the url. Thanks Bluebird for caring enough to post me. The town I am staying in really gets to me badly .Its drab and deserted and busnesses ar closing down . One good thing is the rent is rock bottom.
My plan is to move to a better town I know where im going but its going to take a year before I can get there. Relocaation takes allot of time especially from Mexico to Australia.
I know Carol Ann would have wanted me to turn on the radio and listen a bit maybe little by little .I might start listening to the news for a few minuets .The radio reminds me I am not with Carol Ann.
I will take a picture of what I have left of Carol Ann its odd its a pair of track pants with love written on them.I also included our little toys we had a secret language build around them .It was very elaborate ,like a fairy tale.
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I have been having crying jags again in spite of the medication. I do not wish to stop the crying .I got up this morning and read some post on this forum. I am grateful for this forum as it helps me feel that i am not so very alone with it all.
Thank you bluebird. Im still having a bad time of it but the meds are making it manageable and im not so overwhelmed and can function now in this very demanding situation i find myself in.
Thanks again.
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Yes it will get better
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Today i have what i call one of my Carol days. They are bound to come .I laid down most of the day and cried .I tried to go out and i got out for a few hours than just could not stop crying .I came home and went to bed in a darkened room and thought allot again as i have done in the past months about life and death. I really do wish to die actually.All the meds and all the life ,all the things i messed up .Its come to this again in this cold grey apartment .Really all the life in me has gone now.I think the day Carol Ann died so did i. I can not keep our agreement that if something happens to one of us the other goes on. Its just too much for me .I can not go on.I just can not.
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I have decided I have cried enough for the time being and if I continue it’s damaging me.
I know Carol Ann would not have wanted me to suffer so much and I am thinking that’s its best if I try and nudge myself on a little. Sometimes I feel I must nudge myself on or I’m going to get in an even worse way than I have been.
I was feeling and thinking of how to end my life for a few days .Its not uncommon for me to think this. I decided to engage is a comforting habit I have to avoid a possible attempt.
I have tried before when things just got way too much for me to deal with.
I have decided to participate in a project that is on another support board I belong to.
It’s for people who damage themselves. I can injure myself at times as a way of coping with my feelings.
I am going to try and distract myself by becoming involved in this Christmas project.
We make little cards for each other and send them to each other in the post physically.
Like snail mail.
Its an amazing thing after communicating with someone or people to make something physical and send it or receive it.
Today I am going to look after myself.
I will make some cards or in my case some tiny paintings.
Im feeling a little better today because of my involvement in this project.
I hope everyone on this site is ok enough for today .Just for today.
Today im going to try and have a break from everything unless I get triggered and get swamped again.
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I am feeling today somewhat different to grief and I think it is changing some. Im still dropping into massive holes of human despair over the whole incident.
Funny I am starting to allow myself to think what a god dammed bitch she was at times and how she abused me. Did not listen to me and some negative stuff like that.
Maybe that’s a change in what’s happening to my grief.
I still maintain the memorial and witness to Carol Ann as he definitely stated she wanted no funeral or anything inside I think she did want to be remembered.
I cried a little last night but mostly as I stated had a day off from all this as much as I could and did a painting. Work helps me so much.
It gives me structure and a hope that maybe in later life there is still something better for me.
Like the worst is yet to come is my attitude sometimes or well many times.
I woke up this morning and in a pre-coffee haze took the wrong meds like I took a night time med. That was pretty dumb.
Today looks like its going to be one of my better days but who knows. I often start out good and then something right out of my control happens.
Hummm .In short my greif continues but I seem to have the capacity to do something else with it all for a short period of time and the fact that I can remember how much I hated her too at times and how our relationship was so messy could be a good thing.
Maybe im growing up in this most wretched issue.
Could be wrong.
I so much wish I had a picture of her.
I have only a pair of her track pants and out donkey mascots left.
I miss her so much .Even the fighting was a form of intimacy.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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You painted that? I'm a writer, not a visual artist, but in my opinion you have some real talent. Did you go to art school? Have you considered trying to make some money from your art? It's very hard to make a living just from art, but maybe you could supplement your income with it. Plus, I think it would probably help your self-esteem. Anyway, I think it's a good painting.
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MY SITUATION TODAY.
Thanks bluebird.
Im in the sadness pit again.
All I can do is lay down on the floor and stare at the grey wall again.
Yes bluebird i am a professional artist.
But because of my situation I can not work at the moment.
I guess we all go up and down with this grief .Today its very bad again.
Today life seems hopeless yet again.
Want a link to how I am feeling today?
This would explain more than I could dam well rewrite.
Excuse the swearing but its NOT posted on this site.
My feelings are so bitter and painful today.
I am unsure what you can say on this site and what you can not.
WARNING If your easily offended by bad language DO NOT click on this hyperlink.
https://gabrielle.self-injury.net/topic/133708-greetings-from-austr...
So that's about it.
Its 7.00 pm and im going to bed to turn life off for a while.
I hate me tonight.
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