Two weeks ago today, my dad died while he was vacation with my mom in Mexico.  He was 62.  We still aren't sure what happened - but were told that he got thrown by a wave and hit his head, rendering him unconscious and by the time they got to him, it was too late.

I can't believe it.  I can't even explain how I felt when I found out.  I have never felt anything this horrible in my life.  It feels so wrong.  SO wrong.  

My dad was a really good dad.  Like really stellar.  I literally have no complaints about who he was or how he raised me - no unresolved issues, nothing.  But I wanted more time with him.  I wanted him to be a grandpa to my future kids.  I wanted him to enjoy his life more as he started to when he retired two years ago.  He worked so hard up until that point and finally could do some things for himself.

I really am quite the wreck over this.  I try to remind myself to be grateful that I had a dad that was that awesome for 33 years.  A lot of people don't have that.  But I can't help but feel like this is so cruel and unfair - and it happened to the nicest person on earth.  My dad was doing good things here.  Treating people right.

We lost my father in law 4 years ago to a drunk driver.  Now, on top of missing and grieving my dad, wanting to take care of my mom, mourning for the grandpa my kids will never have, I'm terrified that something else is going to happen suddenly to someone else that I love.  It's clear to me that we have never lived in a fair universe - fairness has nothing to do with it.  

I submitted my dad's obituary to the paper yesterday, and am planning his service for the end of the month.  I am back to work and can kind of make it through the work day, but I'm not sleeping and I feel so, so lost.  Life makes no sense to me at this point.