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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on August 16, 2014 at 2:38pm

Today is Sunday and I was in bed all day yesterday. I woke up at 1 am and of course I could not get to sleep. So I took a whole lot of meds and slept for 4 hours. I have been having allot of trouble with the main medication I am suppose to be taking in my digestive system. So its another day and I will try again .Yesterday I had a good start only to crash ,so today being Sunday I decided to have a bad start and not even dress or shower. I will do that later.

I did not ring my cousin as I wrote her an email and was waiting for a response ,I asked for help but I think my requests are getting too much for her.

At least I got up today . I can not just lay there and die as I stare at the wall.

Today I will try my best to do something to better my cause.

I must find more to do other than lay down and stare at the wall with no sound or movement of my body.

Thanks for listening.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 16, 2014 at 6:44pm

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on August 18, 2014 at 12:41am

It is Monday 18th august 2014. Have layed in bed for many may days now. I have been semi up for days but I return to quickly most days in the past 2 months. In this time ,totally alone in a cold isolated apartment block in a rural town in Australia I have reviewed my life pretty much in full.

I had to eventually reach out for medical assistance as I was not going to get up on my own. We tried a couple of medications .Eventually I went back tomorrow ,as the pharmacy dose not have any today to my old medication which works for me. I know this will help at least get me on my feet again .I was going to be hospitalized if nothing was done. I was trying to eat but everything fell utterly to pieces.

I looked at my life honestly and found a most mediocre achievement interpersonally mostly . Strings of broken relationships  ,bad friendships that came and went ,dysfunctional choices leading to little gain but mostly a profound lack of self esteem and confidence.

I thought allot about my time with Carol Ann and what we shared and how I did not fully appreciate it at the time.

It makes me sad as really with her family background ,husband ,brother disabled and son disabled ,alcoholic mother she did not stand a chance. Really and than me nothing but a second class tramp.

I wish my life was quietly over ,just like that. It would be so much easier.

I got in the end just what I deserved ,no family ,friends ,children or even associates. It came to this one day in 2014 laying in bed I realized how I had failed everyone.

At least with my old meds I will not be a burden to anyone for the time being.

Maybe there is some time  ,a little bit of time left for me in the autumn of my life.

A small garden ,a place to paint my pictures maybe I will find some where.

Its Monday the 18th august 2014 ,Its cold and grey outside. Its cold and grey in here.

I like the grey weather as I am ashamed of the sun on my face.

I need to hide as I am such a disappointment in the most ordinary of ways.

I had my chance with Carol Ann and messed it all up. I lost everything on 24 July 2013. 4 am ,Clinica Muscarus ,Ajijic Jalisco Mexico .

Oxygen mask ,comfortable on heavy medication. She died never to come back.

She will not be back ,she is not here she is a pile of grey ashes in a little box owned by her husband.

I made a online memorial to her some days ago ,for what my words and descriptions are worth.

http://carol.spicer.muchloved.com

Who knows ,I have totally lost any sense to this life ,reason or consequence.

Maybe im just lost in one of a trillion galaxies in an endless universe.

Dust in the wind ,all we are is dust in the wind.

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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on August 18, 2014 at 1:03am

Everything blown away in the wind of time.

Utterly meaningless ,void of existence and even a memory of a god that doesn't exist.

I am not even disappointed now. At this point I accept ,I give in for the moment. There is nothing left ,there was nothing in the first place.

Carol Ann as a young woman drinking with Janus Joplin in Height Ashbury ,at music festivals summer of love all gone long long long ago.

Silicon valley ,Palm Springs .Casinos ,Peyote ,Indian medicine ,dancing in the desert ,sweat loges. Herbs for healing.

Arizona ,Sedona ,new age healing ,Las vegus ,poker machines ,Marlborough menthol lights by the hundreds. Margareta's.

Pretty women ,swimming pools ,heated spas in Cathedral City ,Coachella valley music festival , San Diego ,La ,Redondo Beach ,Salton Sea meditations , California ,Vancouver BC ,Ajijic Mexico. Toms bar.

The camealian ,the fights the bad words ,the loving cuddles ,special place ,nap time in the afternoon.

Snow in Yosemite ,3 feet deep. Her lousy driving ,that blue car and the black truck all round California we travelled.

To nowhere but a vague memory now.

All gone .Totally gone .Now only cold grey walls she will not be back ever.

I can tell myself to go on but there is little or no will left.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 18, 2014 at 11:22am

I don't know what to say to you. This sucks, it all sucks, I agree.  But try not to spend your time thinking of all the things that have gone wrong in your life, or things that you think you've done wrong. I know the tendency is to do that, I do it myself, but I doubt it's helpful to you.

Remembering the good times, all the times with her, that probably does help. Maybe if you bought a journal and wrote all that stuff down in it?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Elizabeth}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on August 18, 2014 at 5:11pm

I do not have much motivation to have a journal however I will try. maybe its a good idea. Im feeling very depressed and find it hard to motivate my self. Your suggestion of writing a journal is a good one .I will try .I am scared that I will find nothing that I did right .But I will try. thankyou for your kind response. blue bird

Its Tuesday august 19th.I am trying to get some medication that can help me. The pharmacy needed to order it in. I hope it comes today or I will just lay in bed all day and than have to take tablets to sleep when night comes. It just makes me sad when I take too many tablets.

Last night I had a plan to start to give away all of my possessions. I was going to give Carol Anns and my little keepsakes away . I don't know why .I was going to smash my cell phone and dump my computer and clothes. I still might but I want to wait and see if the medication helps me.

Its really the start of me preparing for an end to my life I do the above .It would be a good time as no one would care too much. I have no friends or family.

I still want to hang on to the hope that things can get better even if its just a little bit .I would like to find a place where I could have a little garden and a place to paint my pictures. Maybe that would give some meaning back in my life.

Im still hoping through this grey fog of depression and grief.

Another day 19th August 2014. Its grey outside and I am happy about that .I hate the sun now im so ashamed for anyone to see my face clearly.

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on August 20, 2014 at 4:01am

I don't really know how to work this forum response right. All I want to do really is lay down and think of Carol Ann. How long can I do this for. My heart died on 24 july 2013 and that's it.

I walk and take but im dead inside. That's life I guess. That's life and death. I hope mine is soon so I can be with her in a little pile of grey ashes in the cemetery .That's where I want to be the most . No more worries ,no more existing ,no more life .I have had enough of that. I want to sleep a dreamless sleep forever and never wake up again. Never again to such vulnerability. Im going to lay down now and hope I have a heart attack or something. Please put me down .

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on April 25, 2015 at 5:24pm

Im feeling a little better today.

Some days are ok some days are dreadful....but today is ok.

Thanks for the support board.

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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on August 15, 2015 at 5:54pm

It has been 2 years since Carol Ann died.

I do not seem to be getting better over the situation.

I see others who knew her growing and moving on.

However I seem to be stuck.

I will never talk to anyone about it all except my best friend.

I ruined my life and hers with my vanity and selfishness.

I can get over this .Nor forget.

Maybe one day I will learn to live with what I did.

Only I know what I did.

I have to live with that every day.

I so much wish I could change the past but that is not possible.

She was my best friend .My lover. My companion. She gave me so much.

I destroyed her.

I'm so so sorry.

It is a myth that one can not die of a broken heart.

My grief ,my regret and sadness is endless.

Now at age 62. I see what I did to the people I knew.

I ruined my life.

I'm so sorry this had to happen to us.

Words can not describe the endless regret I have.

Every day is grey and a meaningless ,directionless wander through my life.

When Carol Ann died so did I.

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