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Permalink Reply by Roger on January 21, 2015 at 7:48am

Zell, I just came across this. You have put into words what I believe. But can't express it as well as you do here. The discussion is. "I'm so mad at God". I have never really been mad at God. I am really greatful for having my mom and Karla in my life for as long as I did. my mom was 84. Her body was tired. I always knew in the back of my mind that one day she would have to leave me. Karla on the other hand was 4 years younger than me. I expected her to be with me until my death. But I know that some times people contract terrible diseases and die. As you so beautiful explain here. I am certian that God will let us all be together again. I'm just so disappointed, is the best way to describe how I feel. My life now is nothing compared to when my mom and wife were alive and healthy. I know God wants me to go on. He has plans for me. He doesn't want me this sad and lonely. I have tried different things. Just can't seem to find what his will is for me right now. Thanks again for writing this. I see by the date it had been a while. But it will continue to help people like me have greater hope and strength.

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on August 3, 2014 at 3:30pm

i get grief emals 1 a day it tells us way we  feal bean mad at god is 1 of stge of grif it isd

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on December 8, 2014 at 2:50am

Anger .. Disbelief .. Bargining with God  ..  Acceptance These are the 4 steps in the greiving process according to the medical field

 

Anger does not have to be at any one or thing just Anger

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on January 21, 2015 at 3:54pm

thnx roger

i did pray 2 god but after 2 mush loss i snapt i cunt handl loss it best of tms but i worry did i get greeedy for askn 2 mush for evry 1 2 be ok i did not pray for me 2 be ok only othrs 2 be ok 2 be still hear so on

sorry for yore losses 2

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on August 7, 2014 at 3:38pm

tryng 2 sort old pics 2 day a lot of famly it wz on thm hav past i scream god why 

old party 1s wear evry 1 is happpy on thm 

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Permalink Reply by Bea on August 8, 2014 at 8:39pm

HI,

I am new to this site and this is the very first post I am making.  I can see that there are some very strong views on this issue of hating/not hating God.  I don't want to tell anyone how they should or should not feel.  We just feel how we feel and different things in our lifes have brought us to that point.  All we know is that we HURT and badly and it is human nature to try to find someone, something to blame for that pain.  If I were going to blame someone, it would be satan.  It is his nature to kill, steal and to destroy.  It is satan who desires to make us unhappy, to suffer loss, to bring us pain, to destroy anything good in our lives.  But, no one makes it out of this world alive.  Sometimes there is no one to place blame on.  Sometimes, things just happen and sometimes it is an act of mercy but we can only see and feel the pain because of our loss.  There is a verse that I think about and meditate on and it has helped me.

Isa 57:1

The righteous perisheth, and no man layeth it to heart: and merciful men are taken away, none considering that the righteous is taken away from the evil to come.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 8, 2014 at 9:20pm

Bea,

I can't blame satan for any of this, because I don't believe in the existence of such a being. I don't believe in the existence of god either, really, but if there is a god and if s/he could have prevented my husband's death but didn't (whether that death were caused by satan or fate or whatever), then I do blame her/him for it.

Regarding your idea that sometimes death can be an act of mercy, as well as the biblical quote you related -- that may be so, sometimes, but if so then god should have killed me too, should not have left me here without my husband. That was an act of cruelty, not mercy.

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Permalink Reply by Bea on August 8, 2014 at 11:32pm

Bluebird,

I don't know the circumstances of you losing your husband.  I don't yet know how to get to or read a persons profile where they kind of explain their loss so I don't even know how long it has been.  You are what I think of as "raw", wounds open and bleeding.  I am still pretty much at that stage myself.  I don't pretend to have all the answers and I doubt that we will ever find anyone that does.  I did read some of your posts to try to get to know you a bit better to try to find out where you are comming from.  You say that you don't believe in either God or satan yet you prayed to god and thanked him just in case he was real.  What about satan, just in case he is real?  Why not blame him?  It holds more logic than blaming God.  You don't have to answer that.......just something to think about.

 

When I lost my husband of 32 years this last April, it felt like a part of me had been just ripped and torn away.  I truely wished and still do wish that God had taken me too.  Bluebird, I have believed in God for many years and still do.  I can totally understand how easy it would be to become angry and bitter because of the pain but I am not angry with God.  It is something that is hard to explain but it is true none the less.  If there were any doubt in my mind about the existance of God, something happened at my husband's funeral that was so amazing, so comforting, that I know that I know that I know and it gives me strength every day to carry on until the day comes that I pass from this life too and join him once again.  I am sure that I must have your curiosity up so I won't make you ask.  Here is what happened..........

I wanted his funeral to be a celebration because as a christian, he was being promoted. The music was wonderful but was a little slow and sad and I kept hoping that it would pick up a bit. But, the funeral director came to escort me to the door as we all thought that the service was over. Then, music again began to play. It was Jim's favorite song. It was a song by steven curtis chapman called, this is the great adventure and here is a link to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVFPjIp6nkk

When I heard it, I stopped the funeral director and told him to wait. I turned to those in the balcony in charge of the music and told them to crank up the volume. It was great. The song completed and another one began to play. It was called, the revelation song and here is a link to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3LK3wIHnVE

I had not heard this one before but it was beautiful and everyone began to raise their hands and worship Jesus. I have listened to it many times since.

After the service was over, the man that was in charge of the music came to me and told me something so amazing and wonderful. He told me that those 2 songs were not in the que to be played, that he did not do it and that he did not know where they came from. Well, I did! Jim showed up to let me know that all was well and Jesus showed up to let me know that Jim was with him! What an awesome God we serve! I can not explain the joy that came over me! I had not been able to eat for 3 days, but that day, after that happened, I could eat once again. Jesus brought comfort and joy to me at a time that I felt that no comfort or joy could ever be found again.

Bluebird, I hope that you can find comfort and that your wounds will begin to heal.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 9, 2014 at 11:06am

Bea,

My husband and I were together for nearly 13 years, in love and monogamous and happy.  We are soulmates.  We got married, and he died literally one week to the day later, of a massive and unexpected heart attack.  He was 40 years old. His wake was on his 41st birthday. Those are the circumstances.

This happened in September 2012, so nearly two years ago. You are right when you say that I am "raw" -- and I will always be this way, because my husband will always be dead (as in not here in this life with me -- I'm not talking about any kind of afterlife at the moment).

You asked why I don't blame satan, in case he is real. Here's the main reason why: If an omnipotent god exists, then even if a "devil" or "satan" exists, that omnipotent god could counteract every single act of that devil. If s/he chooses not to do so, not to counteract the evil acts of an evil being, then by inaction s/he essentially condones those acts, or at least allows them. So ultimately the outcome is still on her/him, even if the original action was not. If there is a god and a devil, and if they are anything like they are portrayed in the three major religions (Judaism, Christianity, Islam) then it seems to fair to assume that in that construct, god is "good" and the devil is "evil". If that assumption is correct, then it logically follows that god would want to help good people, while the devil would not, and god would do whatever s/he could to prevent the devil from hurting people in any way (because while all humans supposedly have good will, and therefore god would supposedly not prevent their actions, human actions are significantly more limited in scope than that of the devil -- if such a being exists -- and therefore god should have no compunction against interfering in the devil's evil actions). If god chooses not to do that, then yes, I blame god for the death of my husband.

I am sorry your husband died; I understand that anguish. My soul and my husband's are so intertwined, that tearing him from this life tore my soul from me. It is probably similar for you. I absolutely do wish I had died the moment my husband died. If there is an afterlife, then I would hopefully then be with him there (I say "hopefully", because even if there is an afterlife, no human alive can know exactly the nature of that afterlife, etc.).  If there is no afterlife, then at least I would cease to exist and would therefore not be in this horrible pain. For me, either outcome would be better than being forced to continue this farce of a life.

Thank you for sharing the story of what happened at your husband's funeral. Certainly it is possible that what happened with the music was due to your husband intervening to let you know that he's ok, and I do hope that was why it happened. And if that occurrence brought you some peace, then that is a wonderful thing.

I have had some things happen that may have been signs from my husband, but I cannot be sure -- I so much want and need him to still exist and to be all right, that I know I am prone to "wishful thinking", and so I have to be on guard against that. I need to KNOW that my husband still exists, is still himself, is happy & well, and that he & I will be together again as husband and wife. I can't just "choose to believe" it, I need to KNOW it, and for me the possible signs that have occurred are not proof (and to me, neither is your story -- no offense to you or your husband, it's just that even my own occurrences can't convince me, and definitely no one else's can).

If there is an afterlife, then yes, death is a kind of "graduation" or "promotion" for people, upon which they move on to the next phase of existence -- but to me, there is no proof that that is what occurs. I'm not saying it doesn't occur (or that it does, for that matter), just that as far as I'm concerned there is no proof. Also, even if there is an afterlife, that doesn't mean that there's a god, and even if there is a god, that doesn't mean that god fits the Christian version of her/him (the trinity, Jesus, etc.).  That is one way of looking at god, and it's as valid as any other way, but it's far from being the only way, and there's no way to know which human religion, if any, even begins to come close to being accurate regarding god, the afterlife, etc.  If Christianity works for you, then that's a good thing in your life, and there's nothing wrong with that. It is good that it has brought you comfort and joy.

Thank you for your kind wishes, but I will never in this life be comforted, never in this life will my wounds heal. The only thing that would comfort and heal me would be to be with my husband again, so I can only hope that there is an afterlife in which he is happy, well, & still himself, and that we will be together there as soon as possible.

 

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Permalink Reply by Bea on August 9, 2014 at 3:20pm

Bluebird,

Thank you for letting me know more about what happened with you and your love.  At least you had those 13 years of love.  That is more than many people ever have or find in life.  Love is a treasure that cannot be measured and should never be squandered.  Wherever you believe that your soulmate is, and if he loved or loves you as you do him, I just cannot believe that this would be his wish for you.  People that love you don't want you to be in continual pain and agony but they would rather that you be able to find some way to let go and try to go on with their lives and try to be happy in some way, to honor the love between them.  It almost seems that you think that if you let go of this hate, that you are either letting go of him or in some way not loving him in return.  We will never stop loving or missing those we have lost no matter if we do find some comfort or find some way to go on and find happiness in a life that they are no longer a part of.  I encourage you to try to find some way to let go of the hate, the anger, rage and pain and let his soul be at rest knowing that the woman he loved is not miserable for the rest of her life.  (((((((((((((((((((  HUGGS  )))))))))))))))))

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 9, 2014 at 3:44pm

Believe me, I know we are blessed to have had those 13 years -- but is is not enough. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm selfish or whatever for wanting more time here with my soulmate -- we should have had much more time together, and even if there is an afterlife where we will be together, that doesn't make up for the fact that our life here was cut drastically short.

I know that it is not my husband's wish for me to be so unhappy, I know him better than anyone in the universe -- but he knows me very well, and if he still exists then he knows that it cannot be any other way for me, without him. There is no way for me to "go on with life" and "try to be happy" -- my life ended when my husband died, my happiness ended when my husband died. I know that if I were to be comforted or be happy, that would not mean that I stopped loving my husband -- but without him here with me, it is impossible for me to be comforted or to be happy.  The only way I will ever not be miserable is when I die and am either reunited with my soulmate or cease to exist altogether. The rest of my "life" here on earth is a waste, and I do not want it.

I don't at all think that if I let go of the hatred I feel for a god that may or may not exist, I will in some way let go of my husband or not be loving him. My feelings towards my husband and my feelings towards a possible god have nothing to do with each other -- they are two entirely separate things. I will always love my husband.  As for god -- if there is such a being, and if s/he did nothing to prevent my husband's death, then yes, I hate her/him, but that's not a choice on my part, it is a natural reaction to the very premature death of my beloved husband.

And if there is no god who allowed this to happen, then I am still angry at the universe or fate or whatever, but of course that is a much lesser thing.  Regardless, the pain of my husband's death never subsides, will never subside. I live in that moment, and will for the rest of my life, which I hope ends as soon as possible (today would be good, this very moment). I have no desire for the rest of my life; it is a burden, not a gift.

I thank you for your kind thoughts and hugs, but ALL I need is to die and be reunited with my husband.

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on August 11, 2014 at 3:19pm

god or saton why us its not funny 2 put us thru grief its not 

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