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Why Should I?
When my husband was alive, we didn't go very many places. We were home a lot, until summer, and then we were gone on the motorcycle a lot, camping, fishing, seeing the kids and grandkids, etc. If we hadn't had that bike, we wouldn't have traveled so much, though.
Now that he's gone, people keep telling me I need to get out and go places all the time. Why do I need to change my habits now that I'm a widow? Is this a rule? Why can't I just live the way I'm used to living? What, you don't want me to kill myself, so you'll make me live and suffer, AND tell me HOW to live TOO??
I'm moving out of this town. I've had enough.
Views: 1041
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on
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Same here, Wander. I just don't understand why I'm still alive.
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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Me neither. I'm so sick of being told, "Hold on, it gets better." IT NEVER DOES!! The pain never goes away, it just gets bigger and bigger, and my sense of my sweet husband gets smaller. I'm so scared... it's starting to feel like my life with him was a dream, and it's all fading now that I've been forced to wake up. I beg for death constantly, but whoever or whatever is in charge of that refuses to listen... refuses to grant me peace. I just want to go. Why do I have to go on breathing when this existence has become so freaking HATEFUL??!?
I'm starting to think that is there is a god, he's a complete sadist. I'm diabetic-- I quit taking my meds, because what is the point, when I don't give a flip about my long-term survival. I checked my blood sugar this morning, just out of curiosity-- it was lower than it's been with meds. How cruel is that? I wish I had the guts to just swallow the whole damned bottle.
I'm sorry. I probably have no business articulating these thoughts, let alone posting them for anyone else to see. I'm selfish enough to want to know I'm not the only one having these feelings. I don't have the faintest idea what to do with them... I just know I want to be dead-- the sooner, the better.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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You are definitely not the only person who feels as you do. I have high blood pressure, and half the time i don't take my medication for it. I'd rather die via heart attack, as my sweet husband did, but a stroke would be ok too, as long as it killed me instantly.
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Anything that kills me-- I went out driving in a thunderstorm, hoping to have a wreck on the interstate. I'm too much a coward to actually do it myself-- as you pointed out, if there's even a chance that my committing suicide would keep me from my husband, I can't risk it. But I can't live, either. I don't know what to do, except keep hoping for death. What kind of existence is that?
If I had incurable cancer with intractable pain, the medical establishment would do something for me. They would give me enough morphine to keep me comfortable, and if they accidentally gave me too much, oh, well-- my suffering would be at an end. How is this any different? My heart is gone. My soul is gone. There will never be a life for me. I'm just a dead woman waiting to die. Wouldn't it be better if I could just go? It might be hard on my family, but they would have closure-- would it really be worse than what they do now, tiptoeing around me, never knowing what to say or how to help? If they love me, don't they want me to find some peace?
I can't do this. It's been 11 weeks of hell. I know that's not much, but it's too much for me. I can't keep it up. I don't want to. I want him. I need him. I need to go.
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I know. Why don't people understand that this kind of emotional anguish is worse than physical pain? I WANT IT TO END. I WANT THIS FUCKING LIFE OF MINE TO END. Why is that so difficult for people to understand?!?!??
As you said -- my heart is gone, my soul is gone. I am a zombie, a dead woman walking. there is no joy or happiness in life, so why should I live? I need to die, so that I can be with my husband if there is an afterlife, or at minimum so that I will just stop feeling this pain of not being with him (if there is no afterlife).
It's been nearly two years for me, and life is still hell, and always will be hell, without my beloved here with me. Is two years of constant anguish enough for everyone else? Is it enough for that bastard god, if there is one? CAN I PLEASE JUST FUCKING DIE NOW?!?!?!??
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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yea 1s it say it nver had a loss
i feal lk saying pissoff but i dont i no 1 day it will hapen 2 thm it will
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Either they have never had a loved one die, or they haven't been as close to that person or loved them anywhere near as much as I love my husband. Regardless, they clearly don't understand, so they should shut the fuck up.
I have NO problem whatsoever telling people to piss off, when they deserve it. Thus far, no one has been rude to me about my husband dying and everything that goes with it, so I haven't needed to say "piss off" about that, but I have been very clear with people that no, I will not "learn to live with this new normal" (bullshit, that is -- this is no kind of normal, this is hell on earth, and I will NEVER accept it); that no, I won't ever, ever date anyone else or have any kind of romantic/sexual relationship with anyone else, I will never even kiss anyone else; that no, I have absolutely zero desire to "move on with my life", etc. I am very clear with everyone that I have no interest in life anymore, and that I want to die as soon as possible. Period.
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after my dad died i did not thng i cud go on thn hav a multi loss get told get over it its easy im lk bullshit its not if i cud say it loud i wd
dads death has lft me ptsd it has i thng a lot of death givs evry 1 of us ptsd it has
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13 weeks here and I have no idea why I am still breathing.
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Permalink Reply by Casey on
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I think I know what you mean. I am sadly surprised that everyday I am still alive. It's been 17 weeks for me since my mommy passed away.
It feels like a lifetime ago when she was still alive. No one can ever understand me or love me quite the same. I feel so alone and I don't know why I am forced to go on and be strong. It's such a personal hell that we live in, because no one can possibly feel what we feel every moment of everyday.
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Mine betray me, too.
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