Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on May 14, 2014 at 11:05am

Dear LP,

     You have found a group of people that understand what you are going through and certainly empathize. Still talking is one of the best medicines for us all. Talking can be a helpful release. Following the death of all ten of his children, as well as some other personal tragedies, the ancient patriarch Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to [Hebrew, “loose”] my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Job could no longer restrain his concern. He needed to let it loose; he had to “speak.” Similarly, the English dramatist Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”
     So talking about your feelings to “a true companion” who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) Putting experiences and feelings into words often makes it easier to understand them and to deal with them. And if the listener is another bereaved person who has effectively dealt with his or her own loss, you may be able to glean some practical suggestions on how you can cope. When her child died, one mother explained why it helped to talk to another woman who had faced a similar loss: “To know that somebody else had gone through the same thing, had come out whole from it, and that she was still surviving and finding some sort of order in her life again was very strengthening to me.”
     You have already started to learn how grief is as individual as a fingerprint. Your relationship with each person you have lost in the past 18 months was different and it stands to reason that your reaction to each one's passing is different also. Grief isn't a destination - grief is a journey that each person travels at their own pace and in their own way.

     You have hardly had time to breath between the losses you have suffered. Think about it - you carry on, not because of your family, but FOR your family. It is obvious that you believe in God by the friends you have lost. God promises to help you, at Isaiah 41:10, which says, "Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not gaze about, for I am your God. I will fortify you. I will really help you. I will really keep fast hold of you with my right hand of righteousness.’" Lean on God, build your faith and trust in his loving care. By doing this you will build up your family in faith and trust in God too. There is no better gift to give your family.

Brenda
    

Permalink Reply by LP on May 14, 2014 at 11:27am

Thanks for your uplifting words. I think part of my difficulty is my husband. I love him dearly but he has a very different way of grieving than I have and he can't understand why I feel the way I do, and I think the way he's grieving is unhealthy. He has told me that he's coping by stuffing away his feeling and becoming preoccupied by other things. Now, I know everyone grieves differently but I also know that this particular way - stuffing emotions - is extremely unhealthy. A co-worker who lost her husband over two years ago told me that she's just now grieving because she stashed away her feelings in order to care for her family. I don't know how anyone who does this can function - I'm not the kind of person to just put everything in a box and forget about it. I also wish I could get away for a little bit - a week at least - to really think about everything and find a way to process it all. I know it'll take more than a week to get through it, but right now, I feel I can't hear myself think let alone process.

Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on May 14, 2014 at 12:20pm

LP, your husbands way of handling his grief is his way. . .  Whether it is good or bad isn't the issue. . . It is his way of dealing with the emotion and pain. The two do you are dealing with grief differently. Nothing new - men and women do a lot of things differently. Just love each other and find the things that help "you". Maybe for you that will be talking to people on this website. For me it is Bible study so my faith in future promises are made more real. But just understand that you and hubby handle grief differently - and don't be surprised if somewhere down the line, stuffing emotions in a box comes back to bite him. Love him and be there for him, he will need you.

Your friend,

Brenda

Permalink Reply by Dan on May 14, 2014 at 3:34pm

Sorry for your losses, LP.  It's something all of us who come here have experienced.  It is like falling into a deep pit of despair, with a mucky bottom and very slippery sides.  Sometimes, it is just easier to wallow in the muck at the bottom and not worry about anything else.  But at some point, a different point for each one of us, we start to try and climb those walls.  It's slippery, and we often make little progress.  Something else happens and we find ourselves in the bottom again.  We may stay there for a time, again, but eventually, we start the climb again.  It is easier to deal with if you have the strong support of someone who has or is going through the same process.  You help each other when those slips occur.  Eventually, progress is made and we find ourselves up out of that pit.  But, we are a different person.  What was normal, is no longer normal.  We must adjust to it and those around us must adjust to it.  Very trying time.  My thoughts are with you in your working through these issues of grief.

Permalink Reply by LP on May 14, 2014 at 4:14pm

I feel like I'm doing the cha-cha sometimes - one step forward, two steps back. Thx for your insight.

Permalink Reply by marilynne j on May 14, 2014 at 10:30pm

I am so sorry for all your loss I have been there also mother father sister two brothers grandson short amount of time. I have found that might help you call your hospitals and they have grieving groups which has helped me through some of the pain. I would be still be going except the girl that ran the group went elsewhere.  I find myself in another world sometimes its very difficult at times I need to talk to someone its important that you have someone to talk to. yes my husband grieves differently than me to.  you do learn that people grieve differently.  I do know that holding it in is not good.  Not to many people left in my life.  we can chat if you need to. grieving online friend marilynne

 

Permalink Reply by LP on May 15, 2014 at 8:55am

Thx. I have been going to my church's bereavement support group but it only meets once a month. The leader told me to check into Hospice for additional support, so I did and will be meeting w/a counselor next week. We'll see how that goes. I do talk to people, but as none of them have had as many losses as I or have had none at all, it's hard for them to help.

Permalink Reply by Angela Y on May 15, 2014 at 2:09pm

LP,

I too am sorry for your many losses. It is always difficult for those around us to know what to say when we lose someone. I have found that it is even worse and more isolating, when we experience multiple losses in a short period of time. That has been my experience since losing my brother and mom within about 8 and a half months of one another. The first loss they circle the wagons as much as they can but the second one it is as if they don't know how or are afraid to approach me. I completely understand, and like you, I also wanted to just retreat and did for the first month after my mom passed on March 11th of this year. I immediately took a leave of absence from my job and have been seeing a therapist. I recognized quickly that I needed some help getting out of this rabbit hole that kept getting bigger and more difficult to climb out of. Prior to my therapy I attended support meetings at Hospice. They are fantastic angels. I encourage you to go as often as time permits. There are two things I am learning and holding on to as I walk my difficult journey: first, I have to be present in those moments of joy with my family. I cannot let a thought about those I have lost to enter my mind in THAT moment and turn into a feeling resulting in a behavior, such as wanting to retreat. Second and most important to me is when I find myself in that moment I have to stop and ask God to open my eyes so I can find Him in that moment. He will offer me help, I just have to remember to ask and lean on Him. The heavy fog you are in will lift one day. I wish I could tell you when, just trust that it will. Be kind to yourself during this time as well and if no one asks don't be afraid to tell them what you need.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and for all of us that have unwillingly become part of the same group.

Permalink Reply by LP on May 15, 2014 at 2:47pm

You bring up an interesting point about enjoying the moment. That thought hit me earlier today. That's what I'm discovering that the only thing we can control is the moment and the rest is just beyond our control.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on May 15, 2014 at 3:26pm

sorry fo yore multi lossess lp i no hw u feal 2 looze so mush 1 after 1 death it can rely p u off it can i no iv dun stuf wit outt thng in so on after my dad died kj u i had mre death 

im juts plesed i fond ths web sit in 2012 it least on hear evry undstan hw we all feal thy do

sorrry if im sayng wong thngs 

Permalink Reply by LP on May 16, 2014 at 1:30pm

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Permalink Reply by LP on May 26, 2014 at 8:48pm

I have a small update. I was able to meet w/a Hospice bereavement counselor last week and in just 45 minutes, we were able to touch on many of the things that have been distressing me. It felt so good to unload. She did recommend I seek additional counseling as she suspects I'm depressed so I hope to follow up on that. This is something that I've suspected all along but have been too afraid to confront it. I cannot do that any longer. 

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