Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lea B.W on April 29, 2014 at 1:00am

Bluebird, 

I have not lost my mate, but losing my best friend who was like a sister to me and to see her leave behind her husband and 3 children which included a 2 month old baby..devastated life as i knew it... the unexpected death that occurred after what was supposed to be a routine surgery still haunts me.  This weekend I will be going to her widow's wedding.  It has been 3 years and I feel sick.  I feel annoyed...but why? Most people say that its been long enough... I guess, Some say the kids need a mom?...Perhaps Others reason that he needs a companion... I guess it angers me inside still that she died and never got to hear her youngest daughter call her mommy...But then the questions arise for many of us?

Afterlife?

God?

No God?

Suffering?

Depression?

Losing a mate.. I agree one would lose themselves... they say that a man and woman become one when they marry...

Time does not heal the gaping hole that exists when you lose your loved one...i think the only thing that truly is justice is for us who lost our loved one is to have them back! And to truly know we won't ever lose them, nor them lose us!  

A dream?  Is death really the end? With all the science and advance technology why cant we stop dying? , No matter our culture, our background, our religion, we unite under the cruel reality that death brings.  I hope you find peace and comfort as each day goes by...  But I hope you can get your answer to the question you keep bringing up...will you be reunited with your husband? I believe you will...:) 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 30, 2014 at 12:13pm

Lea,

I'm sorry your best friend died, and it's horrible that she died so young as to leave behind a 2 month old baby.  Death like that truly does devastate the lives of the people left behind -- my husband's death has absolutely destroyed my life.  Personally I don't understand when people who have had a spouse die then date or get married to someone else. I guess for some people that's the right path, but for me it never would be. I will always be married to my husband -- his death does not change that. I will never be involved romantically/sexually with anyone else, ever.  There is no room for that in my heart or my soul. I will always only love my husband in that way.

I don't know if there is a god or an afterlife. I have been agnostic for many years, but all along I hoped that there was a loving, sentient god. Now I don't care about that at all, really.  I cannot believe in the possibility of a loving god anymore, because a loving god would not have allowed my husband to die at age 40 and one week after our wedding, while at the same time leaving me in this "life".  So I can only assume that either there is no god, or there is a god but it can't do anything to help us (in which case, why call that being "god"?), or there is a god that could help us but it chooses not to do so (in which case, again, why call it "god"?).  None of those possibilities are good ones, but I think they are the only possibilities that exist.

As for the afterlife, it is very important to me that there is an afterlife, because if there is then my husband can be happy there, can still be himself, and he & I will be together again there.  But I have not seen anything that proves to me that an afterlife exists. As far as I'm concerned, it might exist, and it might not. And the fact that we don't know for sure (all of us, all humans, without any doubt) is another thing that makes me think there's no way a loving god can exist. I don't need to know the answers to everything, or even to most things, but I do need to know that my husband's beautiful spirit still exists, that he is happy and well, that he is still himself (as opposed to just some amorphous "part of god" or some crap like that), and that we will be together again, as we should be.

My husband and I, while of course we are also each our own person, with some separate interests and so forth, have also in all important ways always been "one" -- since we first met, not just since we got married.  Any two real soulmates are that way -- married or not married, gay or straight, young or old, whatever.  And for "god", if there is one, to allow soulmates to be separated (even if it is only temporary, until after this life is over), is the ultimate cruelty, as far as i'm concerned.

You're absolutely right in that "Time does not heal the gaping hole that exists when you lose your loved one".  Admittedly I may be biased because of my own experience, but I think this is most true when it is your spouse/partner who dies.  It's horrible when any loved one dies, of course, but when it's your spouse/partner, your entire present and future dies as well, because the life you should have had with that person, the life you were meant to have with that person, will not happen now. I don't care if it's "magical thinking" or whatever, I just want my husband back here with me, so that we can have the life together that we are supposed to have.  If that isn't going to happen, then I just want to die as soon as possible -- to be with him, if there is an afterlife, that's what I want, but I still want to die ASAP even if there is no afterlife, because at least then I wouldn't feel this horrible pain of missing him.

I don't know if death is the end. It seems inconceivable that it would be, absolutely unthinkable -- but who knows.  I've seen no proof either way, personally.  Thank you for your good wishes -- I hope more than anything that my husband and I will be reunited, for eternity.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Wander on May 29, 2014 at 8:24pm

"

My husband and I, while of course we are also each our own person, with some separate interests and so forth, have also in all important ways always been "one" -- since we first met, not just since we got married.  Any two real soulmates are that way -- married or not married, gay or straight, young or old, whatever.  And for "god", if there is one, to allow soulmates to be separated (even if it is only temporary, until after this life is over), is the ultimate cruelty, as far as i'm concerned.

You're absolutely right in that "Time does not heal the gaping hole that exists when you lose your loved one".  Admittedly I may be biased because of my own experience, but I think this is most true when it is your spouse/partner who dies.  It's horrible when any loved one dies, of course, but when it's your spouse/partner, your entire present and future dies as well, because the life you should have had with that person, the life you were meant to have with that person, will not happen now. I don't care if it's "magical thinking" or whatever, I just want my husband back here with me, so that we can have the life together that we are supposed to have.  If that isn't going to happen, then I just want to die as soon as possible -- to be with him, if there is an afterlife, that's what I want, but I still want to die ASAP even if there is no afterlife, because at least then I wouldn't feel this horrible pain of missing him.

I don't know if death is the end. It seems inconceivable that it would be, absolutely unthinkable -- but who knows.  I've seen no proof either way, personally.  Thank you for your good wishes -- I hope more than anything that my husband and I will be reunited, for eternity."

Like this. Yes, yes, yes!!! If I can't be with him here, let me be with him there. If that's impossible, then let me fall into oblivion, let me cease to be altogether. 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Ingrid Stedham on May 2, 2014 at 12:32am

I know how you feel, but I have to say that I would be failing my husband, who fought so hard to live, if I chose to end my life.  And that keeps me going.  Knowing that I'm still here and alive to raise our little boy, keeps me going.  If I chose not to move forward and try to remarry (I'm still young) my husband would be so mad.  There is no way he'd want me to give up.  Or raise our child in disillusionment and despair--refusing even to try to find a "father" for our child.

The thing is that I'm a few weeks from being two years out (and there was a whole other year he was alive and a stranger), so I definitely know how badly I wanted to not wake up earlier on in my struggle.  Sadly, things aren't THAT much better two years out.  I still feel like I could disappear or die if it weren't for having to raise my toddler.  

I've been in therapy for two years and a few months ago my therapist pushed me, excruciatingly, until I realized what my future would look like, be like, if I refused to relinquish my husband and open myself up to the possibility of moving forward--we never move on.

I very much want to love again and I know that my husband was my soul-mate, but I know I can be happy again in a different way and I owe that to my husband and my child.  So my advice is just to try to open yourself up to the idea a little.  It's probably too soon, I know.  It's so hard not to feel the strongest loyalty in the world to the person you loved more than anything.  But part of what I work on in therapy is "reframing."  I used to think that loyalty to my husband meant that I would never let another man into my heart and never move forward.  But I've been able to reframe it in a way that I know being loyal to my husband means living the best possible life I can, because he didn't get the chance to be here and I do and I can't waste it.  I know it isn't going to be easy.  But two years later, I am dating an incredibly patient, loving, person.  No, he is not my husband.  And sometimes I look at him and I don't recognize his face--it's unfamiliar, it's not my husband's.  But then again, we can't wish someone else to be the spouse we lost.  That's unfair to everyone.  I told the guy I'm seeing that unfortunately, I will be an emotional cripple for the rest of my life.  He has to essentially love an amputee, because half of me is gone forever.  He understands this.  I feel like my husband would be happy for me to have found some support and understanding. (And yes, dating is entirely confusing, enraging, and all-around devastatingly emotional--but it seems to be worth it)

I wish I knew better answers for you.  All I've learned for sure in two years is that grief isn't just a period of time, a process to heal.  I'm convinced it's a LIFE-LONG disease that will always have flare-ups and will never be cured.

I'm trying to be positive, but like you all, I truly fear for my sanity and ability to continue to be strong and "make it."  I fully expect to collapse at some point from heartbreak and exhaustion.  I can't imagine losing a husband without having a baby that needs your attention 24/7.  I was so distracted and busy through it all, caring for a newborn and a brilliant husband turning into a child himself, that it wasn't until about 9 months after he died, when my son was 20 months old and less needy, that I really began to unravel and I realized my complete disorientation.  

Best of luck and I'm sorry that there is no magical grief eraser.  Things get so much worse every day before they get any better and even now, two years later, I'm drowning. (I guess that's not very comforting or uplifting, but true).

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 2, 2014 at 9:42am

I'm sorry your husband died too.  No two situations are alike, though -- this kind of horror affects each person differently, and we each react/respond to it differently.  I'm glad for you if you feel that you want to live your life, remarry, etc. -- if that's the right path for you, that's good.  That would absolutely not be the right path for me.  I know that my husband wants me to live a happy life, but he also knows me so well that he knows that is not possible for me.  He also knows that I would never date or remarry or have any kind of romantic and/or sexual relationship with anyone else.  I'm not saying it's wrong for you or for other people to do that -- only you can know what's right for you.  But it would definitely not be right for me.

I haven't killed myself because (1) I don't know if god, if there is one, would let me be with my husband if I did kill myself (even though I do not believe that is any valid reason to keep us apart -- there is no valid reason, as far as I'm concerned); (2) it would hurt my family very much.  But I truly don't know if I will ever do it or not. I want to die, every second of every day and night. I hope I just do so naturally, and soon.

I think it's a bit different for you because you have a child who needs you to love him, raise him and take care of him.  I have our cat, and I will probably stay alive for as long as he does because he needs me to do the same for him (he's a bit of a "problem child" -- he has some issues, though he is a sweetheart and we love him). I don't think your child necessarily needs a father (he already has one, even though his dad unfortunately died, and he also has you), and I don't think you should be involved with someone solely for that purpose, but if it's right for your child and for you, then that's different.

My husband died about 1.5 years ago, and if anything things are worse for me now in some (many) ways. Every day I have to live is one day further from the time when he was here with me, and one more day that I am forced to exist without my love here with me. There is nothing for me in this life anymore, except for the love of my family for me and mine for them -- admittedly a wonderful thing, but there is nothing else. I have no desire for life, no passion for anything, no aspirations, nothing.

It's good that therapy is helping you.  I know what my future is, though.  I will never "relinquish" my husband, in any way. I will never move on, and I will never move forward. I died when my soulmate died, full stop. I do not ever want to love again, and I never will do so (aside from my family).  I understand that for you another relationship may be the right thing, but for me it is not.  So no, I will not "open myself up to the idea a little".  I'm not angry at you for making the suggestion, but please realize that it is just not the right way for some people; it's not the right way for me.  For me, there is no "reframing" -- again, I'm not saying you're wrong to do so, but it would be wrong for me to do so.  My husband is my only love, there's only ever been him, and there will only ever be him.

You said that "....grief isn't just a period of time, a process to heal.  I'm convinced it's a LIFE-LONG disease that will always have flare-ups and will never be cured."  I agree, except that for me it's not just flare-ups, it is a constant state of being. This life is hell now, and I do not want it.

I don't even try to be positive -- why should I? What would be the point? I have no desire anymore to live a "happy" life.  I have no desire to be strong or "make it".  I just want to die.  I hope for you that you are able to live a happy life, and that your child is also. All I want is to not have any more pain or hardship for as long as I'm forced to keep living, and to die as soon as possible.  I truly don't understand why I didn't die the second my husband did, or shortly thereafter, of "broken heart syndrome". I wanted to, I tried to, I wish I had.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Ingrid Stedham on May 2, 2014 at 11:20am

Yeah, its a cruel joke that soul-mates don't die together.  One should never have to live without the other.  The best thing to look forward to is the day (I HOPE) that I can be with him again if that's possible.

Are you in therapy at all?  Also, do you have a photo of your husband?

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 2, 2014 at 11:32am

I agree -- it should never happen that one soulmate dies while the other lives, unless the one who lives actually still wants to continue living.

I so hope that there is an afterlife where my husband is happy and well, where he is still himself, and where he & I will be together again soon.  I don't know if there is, though.  I don't know if there's a god, either (though I do think it's possible for there to be an afterlife even if there is no god); I've been agnostic for years, and am verging much more towards atheist now, since my husband died.

I am not in therapy, no.  I see no point to it, since no therapist can change the fact that my husband is not here with me as he should be. Which is not to say that there's never any point to therapy; I have done therapy in the past for anxiety issues, and found it helpful. But not for this, at least not for me.  Some other people do find it helpful to see a therapist about their grief, so it might be something you might want to consider, if you're not already doing it.

That is a lovely, beautiful photo of you and your husband. It's clear how much you love each other. And you are so young....  I do have photos of my husband and I (though not that many, aside from our wedding photos, because who would have thought that in our 40s we would need photos as remembrances? we thought we would have so many more years together...), but I don't post or share them online.

May I ask what caused your husband's death? I'm asking because he was so young, and because you mentioned that "there was a whole other year he was alive and a stranger". If you don't want to share that, I understand, and I apologize for asking.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Ingrid Stedham on May 2, 2014 at 1:01pm

He had brain cancer :(.  It was so horrible.  And there is so little they can do for it.  He had six brain surgeries total and two rounds of chemo and radiation.  I'm in therapy because the last year we had together, he was having seizures, and needing full-time care and I was adjusting to having a newborn.  Anyway, all that apparently was a good recipe for PTSD, which is still embarrassing for me to admit I have.  I see a therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD. Getting help with those things has made me able to function in a daily life and care for my son.  

Watching Owen, (my husband) fight so long and hard (since 2006) made me want to fight for my life.  Because I think those of us who are struggling with loss, really are FIGHTING for our lives.  Every day is so hard.  Even now I have days where I can hardly dress myself.  I try to overwhelm and distract myself.  I'm a single mom, trying to get my Masters degree at night, and working-full time....that was obviously too much for me with my grief weighing me down.  So I'm taking a medical leave next semester from the Master's program.  I just switched to part time at work so I can spend more time with my son and do some more "thinking."  Sometimes I leave myself no time to think--thank goodness I have therapy where someone forces me to think about and work through the things I want to erase.

Do you also try to keep super busy to distract yourself?  I also don't know about religion.  I've read several books since Owen passed.  Proof of Heaven by a neurosurgeon who was an atheist, but almost died and has an "experience" which changed his whole ideology and professional understanding of the brain, which he always thought controlled and provided our existence.  He didn't have any religious agenda.  He just wrote the book because he felt he had to after having this "epiphany."  I also read a research book by Sam Parnia called Erasing Death.  Parnia is a doctor who specializes in resuscitation science and technology.  He was able to bring so many people who went into cardiac arrest back to life.  Though they were showing no brain activity and no heartbeat, the experiences his patients had once brought back were so prevalent, that it had to become a counterpart to his resuscitation research.  Very interesting and more "factually" presented and researched.  I hope it's all true.  I haven't really had any experiences like some people where I "see" my husband since he died or anything.  I used to fanatically look for signs in the months following his passing.  I became so depressed that there were none, that I had to stop.  Have you had any supernatural type experiences or connection to your late husband?

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 2, 2014 at 3:37pm

I'm so sorry, that really is horrible that your husband died of brain cancer. :(  It's horrible when any loved one dies, of course, and especially that of a spouse/partner or child (in my opinion, anyway).  But some actual deaths, as in what they die of, are worse than others. In that respect, I suppose my husband and I were lucky, in that he died almost instantly of a heart attack, after a day spent playing music (which he loved, as he was a musician, and had two gigs the day he died).  I'm sorry your husband had such a difficult death, and by extension, so did you.

I'm not at all surprised to hear that you have PTSD, and I don't think you should be embarrassed at all -- what is more traumatic than having your soulmate die, after all? It would be odd if it didn't affect you this way, as far as I'm concerned, plus you were dealing with a newborn as well, which, while wonderful, is also stressful even at the best of time.  And you're not alone in the way you feel -- I would venture to guess that many people who have had their spouse/partner die also have PTSD. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist who is able to help you.

Perhaps if I had been in a situation similar to yours, watching my husband fight for his life, having time to talk about these things with him, I might feel differently.  But in my case, as far as we know his general health was good, we had been together for nearly 13 years and had been married for one week when he suddenly died, and I wasn't even there with him (he was at one of the gigs I mentioned; my sister and her husband were there with him though, since they were in a band together).  I am still in shock. I will always be in shock.

I agree that many people who have had close loved ones die are fighting for their lives.  I'm not one of them, though...I don't want my life anymore. Every day is hard, definitely.  If I don't have to go to work, I don't shower or dress usually. Why should I? Mostly I don't try to overwhelm or distract myself, mostly I just think about my husband and how much I want to be with him and how much I wish I would die. I hope that hoping for it makes it happen.  Sometimes I do try to distract myself though, even though it really doesn't work very well. I will watch "The Big Bang Theory" on tv, or play a video game, things like that. I also have no choice but to work, because my financial situation is very bad, so I'm at work four days a week. I wish i didn't have to work, though.  I've read that distracting yourself and trying to keep busy is a good idea, so if it helps you, then do it.

Being a single mom AND working AND getting your Masters is definitely too much for you to do right now. I think taking a medical leave is probably a good idea, as is switching to part time work (as long as you can afford it).  Do you have family to help you with things?

I've read Eban Alexander's "Proof of Heaven", and liked it, but I have no idea if he's telling the truth about his experience (though I tend to think he is), or even if he is I don't really know if it means what he thinks it means. I hope it means there's an afterlife, as long as I can be with my husband again.  I don't think I've read "Erasing Death", though I might at some point.

I have had what might possibly be "signs" from my husband, but it's very hard to be sure. Although agnostic, I used to believe that if there was a god then s/he was a loving god...but then my husband died, and god, if there is one, did not prevent that from happening. I simply cannot believe in the possibility of a loving god anymore. As a result, I also do not trust my own perceptions, as clearly I was wrong in my view of god.  So when these possible signs occur, sometimes I am able to believe that they are from my husband, for a few moments or a few hours or maybe a day, which helps a wee bit -- but then doubt inexorably creeps in, and the anguish rushes in again full force.  I haven't actually "seen" my husband, though that is what I really want, to be able to see him, speak to him, have him speak to me, to let me know for sure that there is an afterlife, that he is safe and happy in it, that he is still himself (as opposed to some amorphous spiritual blob that is not really my husband, that does not have his sense of humor and his kindness and his intelligence and everything else that makes him him), and that we will be together again.  That would still not make me want to live, but it might make me less likely to kill myself, and it would definitely bring me some peace to know that at least my love is ok.

If you want, I will PM (private message, via the system on this website) you about some of the experiences I've had that might be signs from my husband -- I don't want to do that if it will make you more depressed, though. Also, some people say that severe grief and depression make it hard for our dead loved ones to "get through" to us -- I don't know if that's true, and if it is then I think it's a shitty way for things to be, but if it is true then that might explain why you feel you haven't received any signs/communications from your husband.

  

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Ingrid Stedham on May 2, 2014 at 4:09pm

I think about if it would be worse to have someone die suddenly, with no warning--or if it's worse to know, but see them suffer.  They are both horrible.  I'm so sorry your husband died of a heart attack, but I'm glad he was doing what he loved that day.  And how awful that he passed so shortly after the high of your wedding. :(  My husband and I were together 8 years, married only 3.  We were at the top of our world.  I'll never forget how happy we were when Collin was born.  Owen, was looking at him with such wonder.  My mom is a photographer (as a hobby) and she always has been able to capture these pure unposed moments.  In the last picture I put, it was THanksgiving and Owen and I snuck away from the family and were just having a little hug in the kitchen.  That is my favorite picture my mom took.   One month later, Owen had his first seizure and my life turned upside down as Owen disappeared and died.  Thank god Collin will never have any memories of his dad during that time or know that he was half raised in a hospital, we were there so much.  I'm glad you read Proof of Heaven.  I also tend to think he's telling the truth.  TOday on my hike with COllin, a butterfly kept circling us and landed on me.  I hope it was a sign.

This is my second favorite picture:

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 2, 2014 at 10:28pm

That's another beautiful photograph.  :)

I have also spent some time thinking about which type of death is worse, and I'm not sure either. Each is horrific in its' own way. It is horrible that my husband died one week after our wedding. We never got to have a one year anniversary; we never even got to have a one week anniversary. I never got to check "married" on any forms -- I went straight from checking "single" to checking "widowed", and that is seriously messed up.

It's good that you had the blessing of three years of marriage, as well as the blessing of having a child together. That's another big part of the sorrow of my life -- I have always loved and wanted children, and would have been a great mother, but now I will never have children (I don't want any children that aren't mine and my husbands, plus I could never afford kids now anyway).

Your mom is a good photographer; the photos you've shared really are nice, and the love between you and Owen (as well as the love you both have for your child) is very clear.

I don't know what's a sign and what isn't -- I can barely tell for myself. But I have read a lot of books about that sort of thing, and evidently (based on what I've read) butterflies often are a sign from our dead loved ones.

 

   

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by John Doe on May 5, 2014 at 9:45am

My mother died a few days ago from cancer. She was everything for me and my soulmate.

She was suffering so much at least she is free now.

But I'm in hell now I have so much pain I want to go too.

I don't think I will ever be able to feel joy or happiness again.

My father and aunt told me my mother wanted me to be happy, I believe that but how can I be happy?!

Without her I have nothing.

I don't even have a job and now I don't have the strength nor the motivation to get one. I already miss her so much and I hope the pain will end soon.

The saddest thing is that I will NEVER see her again for eternity because I don't think there is a afterlife.

Do you people still work? And can you eat food? I almost threw up when I eat something.

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 7
• 8
• 9
• 10
• 11
• …
• 80
• Next ›
• Page