Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Julie on June 20, 2010 at 4:04pm

Hi Suzanne,
This cancer is really out of control. I don't know what is going on with this disease. I was in the laundry room the other day and this woman started talking to me and she asked if I was single or married. I told her that my husband passed away 3 months ago from multiple myeloma and she starts telling me that she was diagnosed with the disease 10 years ago. It's unreal to me. I can't understand why one person gets the disease and another person doesn't. Or why two people get the disease and one is okay and one isn't. It is so mind boggling to me. I get so angry. The last few days have been terrible for me. I couldn't stop crying for anything. I think I wore myself out that I needed to take a break today and not cry. First, I lost my father and now my precious husband. My life is definitely not going as I planned it would be, that's for sure. I have been cleaning the entire day and it's been helping me a bit. Most of the time I don't know what to do with myself.
I am sorry to hear about your brother. May I ask you how he found out that he had the disease. It's terrible.
A cure needs to be found for all types of cancer before it literally wipes us all out. It stinks!
Thanks for listening.
Julie

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on June 20, 2010 at 6:43pm

Dear Julie,
Thank you for your reply. It helps to write out my thoughts and vent if need be. But you are so right, cancer is so rampant, it's everywhere. Its like an epidemic. When my husband passed away from the reoccurance I was numb and I believe I am still in shock and heartbroken. It leaves me speechless, I never thought that the C word would apply to us and now he's gone and so many of us are left behind with sorrow and sadness and deep depression. It boggles the mind and makes me furious. How could this be happening. Its an unimaginable pain to have all of this going on and they're not able to find a cure, one that I've been hearing about for the last 20 years, people kept saying, oh, we're close to a cure, and I believed it. But it hasn't happened yet and it's pretty scary. With my brother he had already been seeing a doctor and a few years ago they detected cancer in a kidney so they took out the cancer and everything was fine, but only recently after a stent they put in him was leaking and after an MRI the liver was found out to be cancerous and it was determined they couldn't do anything about this because you can't transplant a liver yet, so they told him he had approximately less than a year to live. I know how his wife is feeling because of my own experience, you just don't realize that you are in shock until it wears off after your spouse dies and only later will all the emotions come forth. It is truly a traumatic heart-wrenching and very sad time in your life and we feel helpless. It just seems so wrong. But with me at this time it's been 5 months since my husband passed and I only get through each day with God and the support of these grief groups. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But, I know all we have our questions, so just doing what we can for ourselves is all we can expect to do for now. Thank you for listening to me also. It's really appreciated. .........Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Julie on June 20, 2010 at 7:50pm

Hi Suzanne,
Since you mentioned God, I would like to talk about him. I used to believe but now I don't think I believe in anything anymore. I really don't believe that things happen for a reason after this. There was no reason for my husband to get sick and pass away. That wasn't supposed to happen. We had a special love that was in fairytales. My life went from being perfect to being beyond awful. I can't grasp this because nothing makes sense to me. The more I question, I more infuriated I get. How am I supposed to go on with my life when I feel so empty inside? I honestly feel that I have nothing to live for. My husband was my everything and he was taken from me way too soon. I don't understand how I am supposed to smile and act like everything is okay, when everything in my life is a complete mess. Everyone says time. I am so tired of hearing this already, I am sorry but it's not going to change my situation or bring back my husband. I feel that there is no point to anythig in this life. I wish we both would have passed away together on a plane or something, at least we would have been together. I feel so lonely. It's terrible. Nothing helps soothe my soul except for my husband. That is the bottom line. HELP!@#$
Julie

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on June 21, 2010 at 2:08pm

Dear Julie,
I have the exact same thoughts and feelings as to why we have to suffer. It would have been my will that Danny lived and we would have 20 or more years together to be happy and watch our children be happy and our grandchildren to grow up. I never thought it would happen that I actually was furiously angry with God but I did sometimes doubt everything myself. But for my whole life I've been hearing that we should live each day to the fullest while the ones we love are still here, we should be thankful for what we have been given, be it the wonders of the world, our mom and dad, our children, our family, our beloved spouse and we never think or couldn't possibly imagine in our wildest dreams that the most awful thing of losing our precious loved one could happen to us, but it does, and when it does, we are spittin' mad, we are enraged, we are on this emotional roller coaster that we weren't invited on, but still we all should know in the deepest thoughts in our mind, and I am not saying this to be cruel, but we all have to go sometime. It was not my will that my Danny leave this world only after he saw our 7 day old only granddaughter the night before he passed away which I will never see his face while playing with our little 5 month old little Abigail, but I have to face the fact that every single person in this entire world from the moment the earth came into existance that we must all go sometime. We all have our own beliefs, whether we think there is an afterlife, or reincarnation, (I don't) or whatever, but I am still here, and you are still here. I can only speak for myself that I don't want to be here without Danny, but for some reason I am still living, I honestly and truly believe that only God can help me now. with these groups I can say what I want, some I can't because I keep getting, "it takes time, dear" and condescending remarks like, "I was like that too, you should be nice to yourself" and blah, blah, blah...... But I am only speaking for myself that as much as my heart is breaking for Danny and I don't want him to be a memory, I have a feeling God is using me for something. Whether it is just to be there for others who are going through the same thing or maybe he put all of us on earth to see us helping each other. We can believe certain things, but we don't really know them, but I'm still living and I believe He is the only One getting me through each day as hard as it is, I still cry, feel self-pity, wait for Him to call me, but for my own sanity I have to remember that we all have to leave sometime, we are all going in the same direction, and that there is a purpose, and I may never know what it is but I say to myself, if for some reason I come to the conclusion that I don't believe in God, I have to know that God believes in me. I hope you know that I am not saying any of these to change your mind or to win you over or anything like that. All I am saying is what is in my heart. I feel your lonliness and your emptiness and your sorrow. Believe me please, I do and my heart aches for you and everyone that is going through this worse time in our life. I am just telling you what is in my heart.
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Julie on June 21, 2010 at 3:37pm

Thank you Suzanne for responding. I know that you understand because you are going through this as well. It's so hard! We'll take it one day at a time. I forced myself to go out of the house today to get some fresh air. That was an accomplishment. Small steps, I guess. I don't have the answers, wish that I did.
Julie

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on June 21, 2010 at 4:35pm

Dear Julie,
I'm so glad anything I said didn't upset you. I was somewhat worried about that but I'm more worried about you and I really hope you are ok. Feel free to send a post to me anytime. You are doing the best you can under the worst circumstances. How on earth can we all get through this. There are literally millions of us going through the same things. But our world consists of only ourselves, wherever we happen to be. Baby steps I think is the only recommendation to keep our sanity. I'm sorry to mention God again but I really think He is the only One getting me from one day to the next. I know you are hurting because I am too. It's funny that the one thing a person needs is to be nice to ourselves and that's the last thing we want to do. There are so many people that come across our path and I have been in a sense blaming them for my husband passing away by not saying 'have a nice day' or ' bye for now' or 'see ya later' but then I thought to myself, it's not their fault my husband died, so I've been just automically, not even wanting to, being polite and trying not to be angry with others and I think when I started doing that my stress level went down a bit, but I still have the same thoughts and feelings about not wanting to live any more and waiting for God to call me, but I'm not doing anything about these thoughts like taking my own life. So I'm taking baby steps too. I'm really happy that you went out for some fresh air. That is doing a lot. I realize about myself that I have a tendency to go on. I may have to find an al-anon-anon-anon meeting. lol Just a little humor, there is another grief site I go on and there was a guy who made jokes instead of being depressed, he got better and then he got worse but he's coming around again. You wouldn't believe how many grief sites there are out there with so many different personalities, going through this tremendous pain, but some are taking a different path. Sometimes I have to ignore messages they send me that don't help me but most of them who are suffering let me vent and agree with me, so I have to take the good with the bad like everything else I guess. I don't usually make little jokes and laugh because I miss Danny so much but they come out once in a while. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care.
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Julie on June 21, 2010 at 5:51pm

Hi Suzanne,
I do appreciate your comments and thoughts, thank you again. Sometimes humor is a good thing, you are right. I went to visit my husband's grave today because that seems to help me a bit. You are in my thoughts as well. We'll stay in touch.
Julie