Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Charlene on December 12, 2013 at 7:30am

Hi Lee,
I am so sorry for your loss and for what your mom is going through. I cannot help you with information as I am in Canada but wanted to reach out. My bestfriend was murdered a year ago. If it was not for my husband and children I don't think I would be here. I don't know why such things happen to good people. Please know your are stronger then you may feel and think right now. I know for me when I first found out my bestfriend was murdered-I could only live minute to minute and a year later I just live one day at a time. I had to start writing everything down because I cannot remember anything. This is because you are in shock. Grief is like running a marathon you have never prepared for. It is exhausting but you are strong and your bestfriend is with you holding your hand cheering you on. My heart I with you.

Permalink Reply by Lee Evans on December 19, 2013 at 2:50am

Hi Charlene.

Thank you for reaching out. Your words of encouragement were helpful and so was the advice. I like the line, grief is like running a marathon you are not prepared for. So simple yet so true.

Thanks Charlene. Bless you.

Permalink Reply by Dolly on December 12, 2013 at 7:32am

The only thing I know that sometimes seems to work in impossible situations like this one is to ask God to bless the people who are doing this to your mom.  I know you don't FEEL like blessing them, and I don't think its important for you to FEEL like it, but just to DO it... for some reason when we tell God we don't WANT to bless these heartless frauds but know that the Bible tells us to bless our enemies, so we are going to do it out of obedience to Him even when we don't WANT to..when in fact we feel like  the OPPOSITE.. in our minds... somehow that releases some sort of force to act upon those people's hearts... I have seen it happen where people who have been making all kinds of trouble for no reason and after a time where the one being hurt has asked God to bless those people... or in my case my SON was being hurt and I was the one praying for the blessing... the bad people seemed to have a complete change of heart... it took several months and I had forgotten about the fact that I had asked God to bless the bad person... but it did work... in any case its easy to do, and you have nothing to lose by saying in your mind to God that although you FEEL like asking Him to CLOBBER them, out of obedience to His word you are going to ask Him to Bless them [it says to bless those that despitefully use you... that sounds like what they are doing doesn't it?] ... and then maybe He will take care of it for you like he did for me and my son.... in my son's case it wasn't so serious as for your poor mom... but the situation is pretty similar in that the person had NO reason to hurt my son, but seemed determined to do it, and later changed completely, apologized, and began treating him fairly ...

Also ask God to reveal the truth... He knows why they are doing this... He can reveal the truth too.... I have seen that happen also... it seems like sometimes the harder WE fight injustice, the worse it gets, but when we give Him the job it gets done...

I will be praying that the truth will be revealed and the persons will have a change of heart and conscience and your mom will be justified and cleared of all wrong doing, and that this will turn into a BLESSING for HER and you... amen

PS I am NOT all that faithful or religious a person.... just have been through stuff like this and have a friend who gives me this kind of good advice from time to time... at first I thought she was nuts to even think it would work, but thought what the heck, it can't HURT.... and low and behold it WORKED... so who knows?

Permalink Reply by Lee Evans on December 19, 2013 at 2:51am

Hi Dolly.

That is so much for my head to take in right now, just know that I have listened to you and I thank you for your time and effort. God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Jenna on December 16, 2013 at 7:59pm

Hi Lee,

I'm sorry I can't help much because I live in America, but I am so sorry for your loss and for all of the issues you are going through. It doensn't seem fair for one person to be going through so much at one time. I'm not sure what Australia has to offer, but over here we have something called "Greif Share" which is an organization that runs groups, kind of like this, but in person. I know when my dad passed I was just finishing up my degree and I had a lot of stress going on and I didn't know how to cope. I found that talking about things helped a little, as well as writing things down in list format. When I had 100 things going on in my head I felt overwhelmed and defeated so I didn't do anything. When I made a list, I was able to cross things off as I got them done and it made me feel more successful. I even wrote little things down to keep me motivated. It's just an idea that might help. Good luck!

Permalink Reply by Lee Evans on December 19, 2013 at 2:55am

Hi Jenna.

People help by just responding. Life is not always fair. I am glad those services are available to you there in the States, I do not have this in my state where I live but I have this place online and it is good. Writing things down we need to do because our memories are terrible lol! It is a long journey and I hope you are doing well Jenna. Thanks for sharing. God bless you.

Permalink Reply by stewart p on May 29, 2014 at 12:56pm

I have found the following things to help;

1) I go to a bereavement group 2x a month at the local hospice, it doesn’t cost anything and though at many times its easy to find an excuse not to go I make myself go.  You just have to trust me on this one.  It might not seem like it is helping much the first few months but keep going, it will make a huge difference after several months have gone by.  It will help give you the strength and support to lean into your grief rather than away from it.  And realize everyone else there, has had a devastating loss as well.  Ever hear the saying “Misery loves company”?  Well in this case it is a good thing.

2) Before I was married I use to take off spontaneously go somewhere and explore new places, go for a drive somewhere and get home when I got home.   It was relaxing and made me feel like a kid again.  After getting married and becoming more responsible I really didn’t do things like this much anymore.  Well now its time to start again.  For you maybe it is going off for a pre-dawn hike in mountains, or playing golf into the night.  The point is go out a play like a kid.  You don’t have a curphew or someone expecting you to be home at a certain time, take advantage of this new freedom and embrace it.  At first Ill admit, I would drive somewhere and have a hard time not feeling compelled to return home by a certain time.  It does take a little getting use to but start doing it. 

If you dont have any idea, get a bike and a bike rake and drive to another town 200 miles away and spend the day riding around the bike around this strange different town youve never been to before.  Or take a 2 day trip to the Redwoods and go hiking along the coast.  Keep a toothbrush and a change of clothes in your car so you wont have an excuse that you have to return back home before the day is over. 

3) During the last few years while my wife was less able to do as much I found plenty of excuses not to do many things.  So if your a believer, now is the time to rekindle that relationship with the Lord, make him number 1 in your life today.  If you’re not a believer, though you may not yet have embraced the hope he promises to those who follow him you can still apply many similar ideas in your life beginning with this one;

Get out of the house and get involved in the lives others.  Do so by volunteering somewhere that strikes your fancy, perhaps that is serving at church, homeless shelter, food bank, tutoring at risk youth, find your calling and serve.  This is above all else the most significant thing you can probably do to help yourself, is by helping others.

 
4)  I use to just thoroughly enjoy lying next to my wife for a little while in the mornings before getting out of bed, snuggled up in the blanket, nice and cozy.  I really miss that.  These days I continue to allow myself that 5 or 10 minutes every morning to lie there as if she was next to me and just think about her, smile about her, say something to her, or cry.  And after that 5 or 10 minutes it is time to move on with the day, just as I use to when she was here.  And I don’t need to dwell on her all day long because I assure myself with the knowledge that tomorrow morning or at night, or both I will spend those few precious moments with her again, but I limit it so it does not consume the rest of me.

 

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5) I do keep some picture of my wife around the house, more now than before probably, isn’t that weird how that works?  However if I notice a photo I’ve placed somewhere in the house that I may inadvertently or unintentionally throughout the day see and it triggers my grief, for example on my desk, then I will move that photo to another place in the house.   Anyone who has ever tried to quit smoking knows better than to leave any trace like lighters or ashtrays lying around the house.  If I want to look at a photo I walk into the other room over the mantle or something, not staring at me every time I walk down the hallway to the bathroom.
REMOVE THE TRIGGERS

6) Keep a journal, those 10 minutes or so I spoke of earlier, in the beginning are probably more like a couple of hours if not most of the day.  I journaled a lot in the early days wrote letters to her, thoughts wishes, whatever.  No one will see it but you, and sometimes I simply looked back through my writing to and just read them back to myself, and if added to it as I felt.   I don’t journal about her as much as I did in the beginning, now it’s more about me and what I am going to do with this next phase, this new normal in my life.  Go buy a spiral notebook at the store for a buck and write something how you feel, think, see.

7) When those moments occur where I begin to cry a little, we all know those moments, whether in the store, at work, driving, out of the blue our eyes tear up or even begin to well up.  I find it is better to allow myself that little bit of time taken out of the day and go with it.  Feel it out and get it out.  Don’t try to keep it in, that makes things worst.   

8)  I use to talk with my wife regularly throughout the day. Lots of those little tidbits about the weather, love you, miss you, did you see what the dog did, etc.  I still speak those sometimes, not as much as before obviously, but I still acknowledge her and share a thought from time to time via something I would of said to her before when she was still with me. 

9) If you are hearing the usual clichés from others then begin surrounding yourself with other people perhaps, ex bereavement group mentioned above.  We’ve all heard at least some of the clichés by now.  “You need to move on, they are in a better place, you'll survive, you'll move on, you need to (you fill in the blank), someday you will ...: the list goes on and on.  Anyone who has been where you are usually will not say these things because they know how stupid to say things are.  Most people mean well, they just don’t know what to say around death.  When their turn comes however, you will be there, a pillar of strength they will desperately need.

10) Take care of yourself, eat right, get some exercise and try to establish a firm sleep pattern, which might be a lot different than before.  I usually sleep 4-6 hours most nights, then take in a nap at mid afternoon and maybe early evening for a full 8 most days. It is hard to sleep at night, and instead of fighting with it, or taking pills, here is an example of adopting and going with the flow.  The new normal.  When you go to the store, buy only health food, then you won’t have to struggle as much with bad eating habits at home.  I buy more fruits, and veggies and less pizza and noodles, then when I’m at home, without having to think too much I end up eating salad instead of pizza and I’m sure that is a good thing.  And lastly, and I have to constantly remind myself but get some exercise, maybe it begins just taking a walk around the block, or going for a bike ride but get out and move around and work up a little of sweat, don’t give up as hard as it feels to drag yourself out to do it, you got to do it for them.  You can’t roll over and just give up no matter how broke your heart feels at the moment.  Remember those are feelings, and feelings come and go, you just have to ride it out at the present when they are coming instead of going, but they will go too.

11) And finally one of my favorites, begin to try to seek the brighter side of things.  The brighter side you say?  You heretic, how dare I say something so stupid at a time like this.  In time maybe not yet, and it will seem a little scary or frightening at first, but for the first time in a very long time you are now in the position to consider your life moving forward from here without any other factors.  After all you are single now and you will need to face the future on your own.  What will that life look like 5, 10 perhaps 20 years from now?  A new career, a new calling, a different city or home, or maybe just living alone and become more acquainted with ourselves, having endured one of the greatest trials in life, love and loss, and having survived.

Which one of us when we were children enjoyed everything at the time our parents did to help ensure we grew into fruitful adults?
Likewise, all of life's experiences provide us with growth and cause to serve a greater purpose though at the time we simply don't understand it.  In that confidence and faith we have hope, hope that the day will come when the memory of our loved one will bring a smile to our face before it brings a tear.   
God Bless a you and may you find the love and peace of Jesus Christ .

PS Just a side note, I saw a comment posted and started writing all this based upon my own experience and what seems to have helped me from going from a zombie like existence, to becoming able to actually climb out of bed and now to a little bit of hope that there still is something for me to do in life.  Looking at this and writing this has helped me immensely even just now to realize how far I’ve really come.  Don’t misunderstand, it has been and still is extremely painful and bitter, I would not wish this on anyone, but I’m here.

 

Permalink Reply by stewart p on June 11, 2015 at 9:46pm

Yup, its terrible for any of us to go through, I feel your pain and I can truly say just know you are not alone.  Those days you speak of I have too, often not as much or intense but they too still come around.  Ive learned to go with it an allow myself the space to feel it and patient with myself, but at the same time just like good company coming over to visit, there is a time for them leave and go home.  So I let my grief visit when it does but I dont let it take over my days anymore, well at least most of the time.  Sometimes it still does and Ive just learned to let that be ok.  I don't think it helps if we set unrealistic or high expectations for ourselves only to become depressed when we are unable to live up to those expectations.  Who can possibly determine what those expectations should be anyway?  We have to learn what they should be as we go along.  If nothing else this whole experience to me is a process of discovery.  And part of that discovery is uncovering who am I really and what do I want to be.  Lets be honest, we all have moments we can reflect on from the past of things we should of or could of said or done for our wives which now we really wish we would of.  At least I do and it makes me sad and miss all that much more.  A smile, a look, another kind word, all those things when you spend so many years with someone you become accustomed to and a part of.  There I go, see how quickly I can begin to wallow in things I can not change, now days Im am more aware of this and when I recognize it I can choose to continue or stop it and redirect my thoughts.  Change your thoughts and the feelings will follow.  Then there are times the day is over and I have time and I choose to think more about her, even get some pictures out if I want and reflect on some memories.  But as time goes on I have more control of when I do this. 

I think about her everyday, she crosses my mind, its just that I don't spend the whole day thinking about her. Not that I dont want to, but because it doesn't o me any good. 

And that is the new thing about this road to discovery of myself.  What is I always wanted to do or use to do and would like to do, or maybe what is it that would make me happy.  Just me?  Because that's all I need to focus on now.  Well I started working on a list about 9 months after, partly because it gave me a lot of down time to think about her, but also because I no longer knew what I wanted or had any desire for really anything in life, but Id always been kind of a goal sort of guy.  Of course with her gone, most of those goals went with her because after 20 years later, lets face it our worlds each had basically become each others or one. 

I'm still working on that list, revising it a lot, adding pictures, taking some away.  Things Ive wanted to do or thought I might enjoy but simply hadn't really gotten around to doing them for so many reasons, most of which in all honesty probably were nothing more than excuses, but in any case certainly aren't valid any more.  After all I am now a one man show.  For me it hasn't included a new place to live, not yet, maybe never will. I did enroll to go back to college this fall, have an interest in new pursuits and I can handle a slim budget living on my own.  A midnight drive to the coast, to wake up in my car in the morning on the beach, or a trip to the other side of the state to view some artifacts Ive long read about and have captivated my curiosity.  Point is find things of interest to pursue that perhaps were set aside at some point or might not have even yet been considered and pursue.  My wife always hated me being out in the middle of the night so I never was gone long, but give me a nice summer moonlit night and I love driving across the state at 3 am 500 miles to nowhere just to have had it.  Ha-vent done that in 20 years, guess now that I thought about it I'm going to add that to my list as well of things I want to do soon.   Does this substitute having her by my side at night going to sleep or let miss her less?  Hell no.  But it keeps me from sulking in prolonged sadness with no hope of relief.

Worst than becoming divorced, my other half was torn away from me in an instant without warning with no chance to alter the outcome.  What the heck are you suppose to do with that?  I wish I knew, but quite frankly I'm finding out as I go along.  But I will tell you this, I'm more optimistic than I was a year ago, and nothing has changed except me.  I miss her a lot still and talking about it like now makes me miss her more so Im going to let it be at that for now otherwise Ill just spend the whole evening thinking about her.  And not that that is a bad thing because its not, but there is a time and a place and I dont know why or what or how God works all things out, but I know that while we are living today we have a chance to share something that was part of us  for so many years with others and to lie around being sad all day and all night everyday does nothing for her memory or for us.  I wont say it gets better John, I will simply say it changes, and not all in a bad way.  Some of its actually alright.  And on the bright side I promise you one thing for certain, this will all look way different to you in the months to come that it does right now, but you have to be patient and tolerant mostly of yourself.  You have to learn to show a little love to yourself.  Not exactly a guy thing to say or something you would have heard me speak about years ago, but like I said before this sort of things changes anyone.  The only question is how will it change you, and that is really entirely up to you believe or not and has nothing to do with her or anyone else.

 Ill just add this one more thing, if anyone had told me then what I was going to go through next, theres no way I can imagine how or what I would have done, and Im sure I speak for most everyone in the same situation.  What Im trying to say is look at what you have already survived and been through, give yourself credit for the strength you most certainly have gained from this so far.  It might not be very clear now, Im sure its not, it certainly isnt for me either.  But when I think back or look at the feelings and emotions Ive had to walk through, like a living hell and Im still here it tells me something, not sure what but there had to be a reason to be able to survive this far as I am sure there is for you too, and time will surely reveal to you what the reason  is.

Permalink Reply by stewart p on June 13, 2015 at 6:52pm

You too.  Just remember to be patient and kind with yourself, one step at a time.  And at the risk of repeating myself, I cant say enough about going ot a bereavement group once in a while, it really helped keep my grief in perspective some days when I was in a room with others who had experienced just as much a loss to them and I had to me.

Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on July 2, 2015 at 1:07pm

As I am in the USA I cannot really suggest any local resources that would be helpful to you.   For me I found it helpful attending grief counseling.  Even the loss of a friend can be very devastating, and compounded with family turmoil, the stress can be overwhelming. 

I am very sorry that you lost your friend, and also for what your mother is going through.  I wish I could be of more assistance to you as I know relaying that my thoughts are with you do not really help in any measurable way.   If I can think of something I will let you know.

Take care

-Steve Suehiro