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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Exactly, Pam. Even other people who are grieving can't know what another person needs -- it's different for each person, even for people who are grieving the same person. My sister and her husband, who have been friends with my husband for years, are also grieving, and it's terrible for them, but it's not the same as it is for me, since he is my very HEART.
I am just very honest, as I can't be any other way. When people ask me how I'm doing, I generally just say "You don't want to know", because they don't. If they push, I say "Life is hell and I want to die because my husband died, that's how I'm doing". If your friends get fed up with you or give up on you, then they are not true friends. Besides, I agree with you -- the fewer connections to this life, the easier it is to go. That's why it's hard having my loving family, although they are wonderful.
Hugs to you.
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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I will use your reply 'you don't want to know' & if they push, I'll use your other response...Life is hell...
I get totally fed up with people telling me that I will find meaning & purpose....you will see my reply to Brenda Ann....
A) can mere mortals guarantee that? I very much doubt it...maybe they say these things to try to make me feel better - or do they just say it to make themselves feel good?
b)I'd be interested to know can God guarantee that there will be a real & tangible purpose to my existence....faith is fine but life is hell.
Hugs to you
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I get fed up with those people too. I HAD meaning and purpose in my life -- not only my husband, but other things as well. We were working towards eventually getting a house and maybe (hopefully) having kids. I am also a published poet, and was looking forward to having more of my work published and at some point having a book of my poems published. I also had/have an online shop where I sell vintage items, which my husband and I found at flea markets and yard sales (one of our hobbies), and had started making altered art with some of the stuff we found.
But NONE of that matters anymore. I will never have a house or children. I cannot go to flea markets or yard sales anymore, as I can't bear to be there without him. I have no urge to write anymore. My husband dying has sucked all the motivation and passion out of my life.
I don't know why people say stuff like that -- probably to try to help you, and because they don't know what else to say. It only irritates me, though, when they say that sort of thing to me.
As for God -- well, I'm the wrong person to ask about that, and I don't want to damage anyone else's faith. I have been agnostic for years, but hoped that there was a kind and loving god. I am now agnostic verging on atheist, and in any case if there is a god then s/he has clearly demonstrated that s/he doesn't give a damn about me. I could almost understand if somehow dying when he did was better for my husband (like if it meant he could avoid some horrible thing in life -- though really, if there's a god and if god is omnipotent, then god could have just let my husband live and made the horrible thing not transpire), but I do not and never will understand my husband dying and me living. if there is a god with any sort of power or awareness at all, and especially if god created humanity, then god KNOWS that I cannot bear this, and should have let/made me die at the same time as my husband or very shortly thereafter.
So as far as I'm concerned, either (1) there is no god; or (2) there is a god, but s/he cannot do anything to help us or influence events in our lives -- i.e., s/he is powerless; or (3) there is a god, and s/he could intervene to help us, but s/he chooses not to. Whichever it is, I have no use for a god like that.
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I'm with you totally Bluebird....and my heart goes out to you for the loss of your soulmate, your lost future & dreams. it's only 12 weeks for me but I cant even cook for myself as it was always for 'us'....everything was 'us'. I have no hope and will never pick up on any interests I had before my darling died. There is absolutely no meaning or purpose without my husband...never will be. He was my guide, my lover, best friend, soulmate & the ONLY person I have EVER trusted in my 57 years.
I've had faith but its being sorely tested....simply because, if God is loving, kind & merciful why can't he hear me? Why won't he let me be with my darling, wonderful husband? I would gladly give my life to someone who needs theirs.
My family would be financially secure & therefore better off without me....I have a daughter & grandchildren, but they even recognise that without my beloved, I will never be the same again. They will all move on anyway because they have meaning & purpose .... They can't relate to just me - and that I truly understand - they've only ever known 'us'.
I have siblings too...they do care but life is busy for everyone - I understand that too. They will move on - they also have meaning & purpose. I never will have - simple as that.
Loads of hugs -
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All these comments struck a chord with me. The idea of not knowing if God is there and why would He take our loved ones away. The desire to be with that person who's gone, to be gone from this world too. The inability to see the meaning of life now that they are not here. SO many questions.
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It is horrible, Melisa. I mean, if I knew for sure that there is an afterlife in which my sweet husband continues to exist, where he is happy and himself, and where we will be together again, then I would feel at least the tiniest bit better. I would still hate life without him, but at least I would know that when I die we will be reunited.
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Yes Melisa - I have questions...the main ones being - why do we have to go on with the pain & anguish - I know mine will never heal. What is the point of living without our loved ones who were the meaning and purpose of our lives? I've begged God to show mercy & let me go...why can't he hear me?
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Permalink Reply by Jen on
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I lost my amazing husband on 6th sept. Like your relationship he was my soul partner and best friend. We were together 13 years and I never knew love till I met him. I still can't believe he's gone. How can something so real and wonderful just end. It's a heart wrenching pain and nothing soothes it and only people who have experienced it can ever understand.
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I'm sorry, Jen. Yes, my husband is my soulmate and best friend. We were also together for nearly 13 years, though only married for one week -- but we were completely a monogamous couple from the moment we met.
You said "How can something so real and wonderful just end". EXACTLY. If there is any sort of afterlife, if my husband still exists, then it has not ended. Even if there is no afterlife, he exists within me, I carry his soul for him. Regardless, I do just want to die. Ideally I want to be with him in the afterlife, assuming there is one, but if there is no afterlife then I still want to die so that this anguish would end.
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I am so sorry Jen - I lost my darling, my love of 25 years & 3 weeks on 25th August - like you, I never knew love till I met him. He was my meaning & purpose...without him, I'm nothing. I can't believe he's not here....my heart is crushed & the anguish is unbearable. No one can understand until it happens to them - not that I would wish this on anyone. There is no point to being here - I just want to die too.
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I so understand I just hope and pray me and my soulmate and our children will b a family again or I hope we just be together again....I cant imagine this just being it.....thats just not fair or makes any sense....my love for him is just as strong if not stronger since he died....I just hope our love doesn't end in this lifetime....I would b pissed....I feel cheated....and jipped ...I feel as thou he was stolen from me especially wgen I see other families still together. ....but I knw he still watches over me where ever he is at....whether heaven or some other afterlife....I feel him n he has given me signs....hopefully its not me just wishful thinking.....I just miss my baby....my everything. ....smh.... this world can b ao cruel
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I hope you will all be together again too, just as I hope my husband and I will be together again. I agree that it's not fair if this life is it, but I no longer really believe in "fair" -- it's also not fair that my husband died at 40 years old, one week after our wedding. I just don't believe that any loving god would allow that to happen. I hope I'm wrong about that, I hope there is a loving god or at least a happy afterlife -- the happy afterlife is much more important to me, as I really don't care much about god anymore, I only care that my sweetheart is ok and that we will be together again.
I have had signs too, but I have a hard time believing them for long. If they are actually signs from my husband, it's not his fault that I have a hard time believing, it's just that I can't trust my own perceptions, because it could be wishful thinking on my part and I really don't want it to be.
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