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Loss of a Gay or Lesbian Spouse
Hello Everyone! I am wondering if there are gay and lesbian members who are grieving the loss of their spouse? While grieving is grieving, there are differences in how we grieve, based on the particular relationship and the circumstances of our loved one's death. During this past year I lost my spouse from a sudden heart attack, my mother from cancer and my beloved pitbull from old age. My grief reactions have been different for each of them. I would really like to hear from gay and lesbian members who have lost their spouse.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by anne on
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I would just like to say the love between two people whether they be straight or gay makes no difference in the greiving process. When my brother-in-laws partner died It made no difference. They loved eachother as much if not more than straight couples. I watched this relationship for many years and I saw no difference between them and me and my husband when it comes to greif . Love is Love and that kinda love knows no sex or gender. I am sorry for your loss.
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Permalink Reply by Tammy on
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Thank you Anne for responding to my post. I certainly believe that love is love and the loss of "the love of your life...your soul mate...your spouse" is devastating regardless of gender. I just want to clarify what I meant about grieving people differently. My mother bravely fought tongue and throat cancer for three years and while I miss her beyond belief, she was in such pain at the end of her fight that I prayed for God to be merciful and end her pain. That meant that she would leave this earth, at an early age of 67, but she would no longer have to suffer any pain. She now has eternal life, one without pain or other limitations. While we are never prepared for anyone's death, I knew my mother was going to die. My husband, Jackie, died suddenly of a massive heart attack one morning during our usual morning routine. She was only 52 years old. Her death was so unexpected and I am traumatized by her death. It may sound strange to say it is a trauma, but I actually had and continue to have symptoms of PTSD, including flashbacks of me yelling for her to "breathe, Baby please breathe," to my screams that were heard by neighbors through closed doors, the kind 911operator who did her best to comfort me and try to decipher what I was saying in my hysteria, and finally that moment when Jackie just fell back in the chair and I knew she was gone. It also doesn't help that some of Jackie's family members have given me hell...over money....since her untimely death. That's another story.
Thank you again Anne for responding to my post and for your understanding. By the way, how are you doing these days?
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Permalink Reply by Christine Sutton on
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Hello I have just joined this site. Truly relate to the added trauma in an unexpected death. Almost thirty days ago my husband of 5 years died in his sleep. He would have been only 50 Years old three days later. Besides intense pain, beyond what I could have ever fathomed, there is intense trauma and also a diagnosis of PTSD for me. My daughter and sister are both lesbians so the topic of same sex always catches my attention. I do think the trauma and grief you are experiencing with the loss of your partner..: wife... Is much like the one I am experiencing with the sudden loss of Steve. I stlill expect him to walk in the door and tell me it was a big joke. Or for me to wake up and realize this was a Terrible dream. Despite all my supports, he is gone. Waiting for the 14 week autopsy is hell. But nothing can touch the unreality of the reality in losing a soul mate one has finally found. I wish you peace and love... Christine
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I apologize for submitting twice... I'm a mess... Christine
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Hi Christine,
I came home from work to find my partner deceased, so I can understand the truama and PTSD. The image and those moments just repeat themselves over and over and over again. My partner passed three years ago tomorrow, so I can tell you that although the imagery seems like it will never stop, it does eventually. Go easy on yourself and let grief take you on its journey. You will come out on the other side. When you're feeling up to it, you might consider reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Her husband passed from a sudden heart attack. Joan goes through all of the crazy (but completly normal) thoughts we have when our loved one passes.
Peace to you,
Stacey
lesbianwidow.org
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Hello I have just joined this site. Truly relate to the added trauma in an unexpected death. Almost thirty days ago my husband of 5 years died in his sleep. He would have been only 50 Years old three days later. Besides intense pain, beyond what I could have ever fathomed, there is intense trauma and also a diagnosis of PTSD for me. My daughter and sister are both lesbians so the topic of same sex always catches my attention. I do think the trauma and grief you are experiencing with the loss of your partner..: wife... Is much like the one I am experiencing with the sudden loss of Steve. I stlill expect him to walk in the door and tell me it was a big joke. Or for me to wake up and realize this was a Terrible dream. Despite all my supports, he is gone. Waiting for the 14 week autopsy is hell. But nothing can touch the unreality of the reality in losing a soul mate one has finally found. I wish you peace and love... Christine
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I lost my partner June 26th of this year.We had been together for 10 years.I am completely lost without her.Grieving is greiving but the legal issue we face are different. I would like to find a grief support group for gays.
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I am so sorry that you lost your partner. However, I am glad that you responded to my discussion. While we grieve our lost loves in similar ways, you are right...the legal issues faced by gay and lesbian couples definitely exacerbates our grief. June 26th is so recent. I'm am really so sorry for your loss. We don't even have the security of marriage to be able to just grieve. You have all this "other stuff" to deal with. I don't know what legal issues you face, but I hired a lawyer just three weeks after my Jackie died on November 12, 2009. The one year anniversary of Jackie's death is almost here and I am still trying to secure my home and settle Jackie's estate. The people who are making my life miserable...my ex-laws (former in-laws). They began making my life a living hell on the day that Jackie died. Jackie and I own a home, have vehicles that are paid off and my Jack loved motorcycles, which are also paid for. The "love of money is the root of all evil." I was accused of "foul play" when Jackie died suddenly of a heart attack and my sister-in-law led Jackie's siblings (there are 8 of them) to the police station to try to get me arrested. Most days I feel like I am caught up in a nightmare and I can't wake myself up. They just want money and they erased those memories of my relationship with them and the memories of most holidays at our home. Jackie died without a will, although we have legal domestic partnership, and we had a wedding ceremony (which is not legal in NY) . I continue to fight and I'm not giving up. However, the stress of grieving the loss of my Baby and the added stress of this legal process has taken a huge emotional and physical toll on me.
I tried griefnet.org which is an online support group, but has a group for gay ad lesbian widows. I stopped participating because my Mother was losing her battle to cancer and she died just five months after Jackie. You might want to try that online support group. I live in New York and was able to attend a bereavement group at the NYC GLBT Center. It was empowering and good to just be in a group with people, who knew exactly what you were going through without you have to say a word.
Again, I'm so glad you responded to my post. Please write me back if you want to talk again.
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Permalink Reply by Jeannie Porter on
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I lost my partner 10/15/01 after 17 beautiful years...Did you find a grief support group for we gays...I will visit with you but I am lost my self and I do not know how to get around all the computer stuff..pretty unknoledgeable and I do not spell well..I am not sure what I do or don't do...Please if you found us a group let me knoe...jeannie
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My partner just died on June 26, 2013 in Las Vegas this year.....so "June 26" hits me right there..... I am Canadian in Vancouver and couldn't come back to see him right away, so he died in hospital and I only can come back recently in August.....
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Eric,
I'm really sorry that you weren't able to see your partner one last time before he died. I can't imagine how hard that is for you. I was fortunate that I could see my Jackie and request last rites for her once she died at the hospital. I hope you found a symbolic way to say goodbye to your partner's mortal/physical self. I believe that our loved ones are always with us in spirit and we will be with them again one day when we pass from this life. In the meantime, I pray that you find the support and love you need to cope. I know it isn't much, but I can say that time does "ease" the pain. I no longer feel pain just from breathing and I no longer feel like I am going to die from a broken heart, despite missing and wanting to be with Jackie everyday. Time doesn't "heal," but you learn to live with the pain.
Tammy
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Thank you, Tammy. My entry to visit my partner was denied by Las Vegas Customs in February, and he died in June. It was five months waiting for my lawyers to deal with American border officers, and finally in the end of August I am in our house now totally alone by myself after spending $10,000 US legal fees and five months torture. I am allowed to stay in US for 30 days for packing my belongings and go back to Canada. The only person supporting me so far is his first girl friend of childhood. His family is so afraid that I will have a legal fight with them for his estate, so NOW nobody in his family is talking to me. The first time in my life I was so hated by my partner's family. I am sorry to tell you that.....
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