Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Nancy Nixon on March 20, 2010 at 7:41pm

I know exactly what you are saying. Most people think you should be able to move on so quickly. Everyone has to take it at their own pace and the worse thing someone can do is not recognize your grief. I am new to this site.
My husband passed away in January of 2007. The first few months were just awful for me. The first year was not much better. Here it is more than three years later and I am still looking for help. It is good to know that you are finding support from this site. I hope it helps me too. I will be happy to share what I have done to get through the days and nights. I have learned a lot about grief and coping.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on March 20, 2010 at 8:16pm

Dear Nancy,
I really would love to hear about what you learned about coping. It would be much appreciated. I know that here on these grief sites as I go online to others as well and I do get support from those who understand. I am fortunate that I have others who know how I feel and they really have helped me such as legacy.com and dailystrength.com and books on grieving have been very good also. I look forward to hearing from you about this if you still would like to share your experience. I am just getting along from one day to the next and I hope you receive the help and support you need.
God Bless.

Permalink Reply by Nancy Nixon on March 21, 2010 at 12:22am

Suzanne,
One day at a time is the best advice someone gave me and I pass it along to you. The othe piece of adive is to do everything on your time table; what works for you is what you should do. Such things as taking off your wedding rings or removing his clothing from the closets were hot bottoms for me.
I bought several books. One of my favorites is called "Widow to Widow". I can't seem to keep a copy as I loan it out and don't get it back. I also started to journal which is something that did not last that long for me but I know that many people find it helpful. I also joined a grief support group at a local hospital a few weeks after my huband passed away. The group was for anyone that was suffering a loss. It lasted about 8 weeks. I then found another group just for those who lost a spouse which I really liked. The problem was the time. It was hard for me to get there after work.
I was holding time a full time job and was my husband 's caregiver. After he passed away, I fell apart. I took a 6 week leave from work to try and get myself back together. I also started to see a therapist and found speaking to someone about my loss and talk about the unknowns was helpful.
We are considered young widows. I am the first person of all my friends and work associate to have experienced this kind of a loss. My mom's friends are experiencing this but not mine. I also found that people at my office and my friends just didn't know what to say when I returned to work or when they saw me for the first time after his death.
I did cry a lot the first year. It seemed that the tears came so easily. I can tell you it does get better. I don't remember exactly when I turned the corner, but one day it happened. I rarely cry any more but once in a while I do get teary eyed. March is a difficult month for me as it is my and my husband'b birthday month and the anniversary of my cancer diagjnosis and treatment. I find that when I do cry it is often when I am in the car which is what happened today. Next Friday is his birthday and next Saturday is my 15 year anniversay as a survivor. I wish he was here to celebrate with me!
Suzanne, even 3 years out, I am still experiencing bumps that knock the wind out of sails but it is getting better.
I hope some of my rambling helps. I will look up the names of the other books I found helpful.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on March 21, 2010 at 12:45pm

Hi Nancy,
One day at a time is very good advice and I have heard to do everything on my own timetable as everyone is unique, the pain is the same for all of us, but we are all individuals so I know you are right, but there are a few things I'm trying to work out for myself. The book "Widow to Widow" really helped me see that I am going through what I'm supposed to be and I'm not crazy. That is an excellent book and after all the renewals are up I'll be taking it back to the library. Another book I found very helpful was "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can" which is geared to younger widows under 50 although I'm 56 I could really relate. Books by Alan Wolfelt are excellent as well. They are all I know about thus far. I was able to attend a grief support group twice so far, I don't know that it will help but it gets me out anyway. I have also heard that it gets better, it doesn't seem like it will, but I'll take your word as I've heard this on other online grief support groups as well. I know it's an emotional roller coaster and I'm just holding on to God and to everyone's advice such as yours for support and I thank you for your help. It really does mean a lot. I'm so glad you have been a long time survivor. I know it must be bittersweet but at least you are alive and well. I hope you get through next Friday with God at your side. May you have peace and God's blessings. Thank you again for your advice.
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on April 23, 2010 at 4:25pm

Dear MaryJane,
I'm sorry but I don't remember you or replying to you. I'm sorry for your loss. I do have 2 adult sons and they are grieving for their father, who was my husband Dan who I am grieving for since he passed away three months ago. I'm sorry that I don't remember you or saying that "I understand" or in any way implying that we are 'sisters in single parenting.' But I myself don't want to go anywhere either and nothing matters to me anymore except my family and loved ones because I am in a deep depression over the loss of my husband. I don't know what else to say.
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on April 23, 2010 at 6:36pm

Hi MaryJane,
I'm sorry too that I misunderstood because I really do feel the pain your in, because I am in that pain myself, but I can see where it would be awful for someone to presume that you could just change so soon or change at all after losing the love of your life. I really do get it as I have all kinds of days myself. I guess I'm getting too sensitive as someone on another grief site seems so self-righteous and preachy to me. At the grief support meetings that I attended in person all who were there said that we each must grieve in our own way and our own timeframe and what works for one may not work for another and they are in different levels of losing their loved one and they seem so understanding. Yet, this other person on another grief site gave me this long speech and numbered her list of things I should be doing. Just because I was posting how I was truly feeling, that I am just waiting for God to call me and that I know deep down in my heart I will never be really happy again and I have difficulty in looking at my husband's pictures so I mentioned that. She went on to say I'm avoiding my grief work and I should be doing all this stuff to heal myself and it seemed like she was saying I was creating my own hell. I know I just need to let it go and avoid her and do what I need to do in doses as my husband dieing was the worst possible thing imaginable and I'm crying as I type because maybe she can over her loss but Danny just passed away three months ago. I thought she had a nerve. Well, anyway, I'm so glad you cleared that up with me. Getting through life from day to day without our spouse is bad enough for others to be crouching in on our sorrow is simply cruel. I think I am in that depression that you speak of. This overpasses anything I ever experienced as a child. I really don't want to get over my husband or through a depression, I just want the one thing that is impossible. But, at least we have this site to commiserate and it does help, if just a little. I hope you're days coming up are all not too bad ones for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a really great husband and father. God bless.
Suzanne