Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Julie Dolsey-Weiss on September 7, 2009 at 4:27pm

How did I make it thus far? “It’s amazing what you can endure when given no option”. This is sad but true. I lost my mom this August 17, 2009 very suddenly. Her doctor did not really tell me the whole truth, maybe she asked him not to or he held this information from her also. I feel angry and cheated that he left this information from me.

What would I have done different? It would have made things harder because every night I would wonder if she would be dead in the morning. I lost my dad to colon cancer after suffering for 5 years. For Me losing my mom so suddenly is so much harder. I was just getting into a good place and my depression was greatly improved and I feel better than I ever have and now she is not here to see me. She helped me with school and she gave me encouragement and she was my best friend, confidant, mother and I took care of her but I really thought I she would get better. My Psychiatrist said I was in denial. I am in the healthcare field I should have seen it but I was too close I guess.

If I had been better I could have seen the signs. If I had gotten up sooner maybe I could have saved her. The doctor and corner both said she was beyond saving and her doctor was going to put her in hospice if this other community support group would not take her. He never told me she was going to die.

My faith in God and My Bryan have gotten me through along with a two long lost friends who have came back into my life. I did lose someone who claimed to be my best friend she just walked out the door of my life. Returned the house key and she has done this before. Each time I say never again but this time for sure.
The biggest support besides God, is this online support group. I have met so many wonderful and loving people during my time on line.

Permalink Reply by Michelle Julian on September 7, 2009 at 7:56pm

The knowledge that I had to. After my mother died someone had to take over the roll that she played and that was me. I know that I had to and that they needed me to take charge and take care of them. At times I feel that it was wrong for them to put that much responsbility on me. But I would have to say that the thing that has made me the strongest is the fact that my mother had so many goals and such high hopes for me. Even after she died I felt that I would let her down if I didn't at least try to make her proud of me. So even though it has taken way longer then what I think she would of liked I am working on completing those goals. And after my bestfriend past away I knew that he be so pissed at me if I gave up now. I can't let them down, they pushed me to be my best and to acheive my goals. That is what helps me get through every minute of every day.

Permalink Reply by Julie Dolsey-Weiss on September 7, 2009 at 8:08pm

I am sorry for your loss of your mom and best friend. I lost both recently but my so called best friend was a false friend...anyways I know your mom would be so proud of you and your friend would kick your butt if you gave up. Is your goals school? I do not know why these things happen, I was an only child of divorced parents and my mom was depressed her entire life. I believe in God and I know she is at peace and with my dad again!!!

I carry on in memory of them....Like you said you have no choice. I like the saying:

It is amazing what you can get used to when given no choice.

Permalink Reply by Lou LaGrand, Ph.D. on September 8, 2009 at 7:33am

Julian:
I am convinced you have already made your mother very, very proud of you for what you are doing. Take your time and gradually complete those goals and you will be a wiser person for your efforts. And keep sharing your thoughts with those you are close to and trust.

Permalink Reply by Katie Grace on September 22, 2009 at 11:56am

There are so many things that have helped me get where I am today: God, my friends, my family, counseling, reading about grief/loss to understand it more, this online support group, and much more. I wouldn't be where I am today without all the support I got from others.

Permalink Reply by Kate on September 23, 2009 at 11:40pm

Taking one day at a time, reducing the stress in my life and trying to do things that make me feel good. I watch heaps of tv and eat pizza and chocolate and icecream and I don't feel guilty ha ha!
I don't stress if there's washing up to do, if i don't feel like it, I don't do it and thats ok.
I've started growing flowers and herbs and i DON'T CARE if I don't become a famous horticulturalist- it makes me happy and i do it for me.
I read self help books, am about to start counselling.
I try meditaion, relaxation and visualisation.
phew!!

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on December 18, 2009 at 10:08pm

I lost my pasrtner suddenly and unexpectedly on 25th September this year. He was the most beautiful man I have known and was my best friend, and someone who touched my heart and soul. In the previous 15 years and I have (in order) lost my Nana (Xmas Eve, suddenly), divorced, Grandpa (suddenly), friend (drunk driver) and father (cancer) all in the space of 18 months. My other grandfather a few years later, my dog (17years old) and then my last Nana a few years ago.
Knowing that I have survived grief before and will do so again helps a little. But each loss is different and each process has been different. Remembering that there are other out there experiencing pain and grief and lonliness helps me to stop thinking about myself sometimes and try to be there for others, when I can. Pushing myself to be there for other people is easier than pushing myself to do things for myself.
Walking the dogs helps. I have a quiet place with not many, if any, around. There is bush, birds, and a wonderfull stream so I can walk and cry and still be surrounded by life and beauty. And wagging tails and frolicking dogs (who are also grieving) are hard not smile at. I watch and listen to my little nieces and nephews who have been openly speaking about my partners death. They ask some very good questions and can still say the 'dead' word without shame or embarrasment, unlike the majority of big people around me who keep looking at me funny and talk in softer and slower voices!!! My niece reckons he is having a great time in Heaven (she is five). The animals are great role models for keeping on with life and my garden, the soil and plants, comfort me with the simplicity of life and death and the beauty and dramas in between.

Permalink Reply by Janet Lantz on April 21, 2010 at 10:57am

In May and June of 2008, I lost my 3 year old grandson and my 30 year old daughter. I am raising my 2 other grandsons 9 and 14 now and that is how I have made it. I have focused on them and they have rewarded me with alot of insight on greiving. We go to a support group for kids and I sit in one with the parents. It has been a long road though. At 1st we could barely function but over time we have been able to rebuild or lives to some extent. Now that the boys are pretty stable with school and socially, I have discovered my inner artist and I think that channeling my grief into art is providing some relief. Thay make kids draw pictures all the time right?

Permalink Reply by Lou LaGrand, Ph.D. on April 21, 2010 at 12:13pm

So glad you have discovered your inner artist. That is a great tool for reinvesting in life. Keep up the great work you are doing with the children who will always need your love. Wishing you continued success.

Permalink Reply by Lilly pizer on April 21, 2010 at 9:45pm

What has given me the strength to continue on is my daughter, she was 8 months old when my husband died. She is everything to me and to be quite honest my life revolves around her and her needs. She is 11 years old now, officially a tweenie, and growing up before my very eyes. I would also say my faith in God. I am a christian, and eventhough my faith has been challenged I accept His will for my life eventhough I don't understand it.

Permalink Reply by Lou LaGrand, Ph.D. on April 22, 2010 at 7:05am

It is heartwarming to hear that your faith has sustained you. I have heard this from many mourners. And your great love for your daughter is one of the best ways to deal with massive change. Loving is probably one of the best coping techniques of all. Thank you for sharing this and I hope it helps others.

Permalink Reply by Andy Nelson on April 22, 2010 at 12:26pm

Faith is something bigger than myself really helps. My brother died 18 months ago. He was 13 months older than me. My Dad died six months later. My Mom is now facing dementia and declining health. It's all so much at one time and has left me very anxious and afraid of what is going to happen next. At my worst, I fixate on what could harm me or my wife and son. At my best, I try to relinquish that anxiety, let go and accept that what happened is over. Faith in God or a force greater than me helps me to give up this control and desperate need for predictability. It's a process. I definitely go between the two. Yet, as others have so wisely pointed out, the only way to grieve is to feel it. I hope that this faith in something bigger than all of us continues to help me and others.

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