Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on April 10, 2010 at 9:54am

I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom (who was 55) to cancer in January. She and I are best friends and like you, there are days when I just don't believe she is not here anymore. I am newly pregnant and went to the doctor's office yesterday and my thoughts were ahead of my brain and when I left I just knew I needed to call someone and then it dawned on me, it was her! For a brief second before my brain caught up, she was here and everything was back to normal. It is very difficult to face and the hurt is UNBEARABLE. No one understands me or makes me feel comforted the way my mom does. Notice I refuse to put her in past tense! I've been doing a lot of praying and seeking God (who my mom always told me would comfort me) and I do seem to be doing a little better. If you have time and haven't read it yet, I recommend you read the book called "The Shack" by William Young. It really helped me put a new perspective on things. I feel differently that you, I believe they can hear us, they just can't reply. If it hurts too much to talk to him now, maybe in the future your heart will allow you to do that. I am the only person in our family that goes to the cemetary, but for me its a place where I can just sit with her and be close to her in some way and I do talk to her. I don't have to be at the cemetary though, it can be anywhere. Sometimes I a breeze will blow past me and it smells like her and I wonder if she is nearby somehow watching over me...it is comforting to think that. The one great belief I do hang onto is knowing that I will be with her again one day in Heaven. She made me promise never to doubt God and to seek him no matter what happened. Again, I am so sorry for your loss! I hope my post has helped you realize that you are not alone :( It is very very very hard loosing someone so close and I am not believing the whole spiel about time will heal it, I believe time just gets us closer to being with them again! Hugs ((((()))))))K

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on April 10, 2010 at 9:58am

ps-I just realized by looking at your page, your husband passed away the same day as my mom :( Jan 22. She passed away at 10am :( She had stage 4 lung cancer, but never smoked a cigarette a day in her life and was very healthy until she got a back ache which turned out to be the lung cancer spreading to her bones :( It was the weirdest diagnosis for her and she was in a lot of pain. I miss her so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on April 13, 2010 at 4:36pm

Dear Kirstine,
I am so sorry for your loss also. What I keep hearing is that we will always feel the grief but in time we will be better at dealing with it, and some days I have crying spells and other days not, I'm inclined to believe it although, it is hard to believe right now. Some of my family tells me certain things like 'be good to myself' and 'Danny would want me to be happy,' and 'I should want to keep his memory alive.' But I also heard by reading books on mourning and on these grief sites and attending a bereavement meeting that we are all unique so we are all grieving in our own way and only we know what is right for each of us. All we can do is the best we can and go through the feelings, as hard as it is. It is so good that you have faith, as do I because this is what will help us, well, it helped me anyway. I didn't want to, but one day I was so heartbroken and burdened with the weight of missing my husband that I just turned the pain over to Him. It will take a while, I'm sorry to say but what else can we do. You are so right that we are not alone, at least we have understanding friends here. God bless,
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by julie conway on April 13, 2010 at 2:26pm

I lost my husband of 34 years on April 3. He really died as a result of a side effect of chemo. Cancer was not the main cause. He had pulmonary fibrosis and was also septic. He was on a ventilator for 2weeks. I honestly thought he would again win his endless medical battles.
My heart hurts so very much. I took care of him for so long. He fought to stay with us, but just could not keep on fighting. I find myself just sobbing and hurting with warning. I feel the same deep hurt and cry with all my heart.
I have never experienced the pain I am now feeling. I keep trying to pretend he is in the hospital-that I can still go and visit. God he is gone-He will never be with me again. My heart is truely broken. People say it will take time-I just want to know how long. Will I keep crying in a grocery store or doing laundry or stacking a dishwasher? I want to keep hearing him. I just want to be with him.

Permalink Reply by Suzanne Ballard on April 13, 2010 at 3:10pm

Hi, Julie
I too am new to this, both this website and to the loss of my sweet husband. We were together for 16 years and spent most every minute of every day together. We worked together, played together, loved together. My sweet Dave died on March 24th, from renal cell carcinoma. He was diagnosed originally in 2005, had surgery to remove the kidney and was cancer free until 2008. Like you, I am having trouble dealing with the whens and wheres of the emotional upheavals I keep feeling. Today I stopped in to grab a bite to eat on my way to an appt. and cried over chicken tenders and a biscuit because the last time we stopped in this restaurant, that is what we ate. I feel like I am being sucked down into a black abyss sometimes and other times all I can do is smile because I am thinking about my baby Dave. I had to take his pictures down because looking at them just make me cry. Please email me directly if you want to talk more. I think it helps to get these feelings out in the open, although just working through all this pain will take time, I am sure. It has only been three weeks for me and it already feels like a lifetime without him.

Permalink Reply by julie conway on April 13, 2010 at 6:10pm

Hi Suzanne,
I appreciate the response to my post. I must say, I am relieved I am not losing my mind.
I have questioned that lately. I hate the deep cry I experience without warning. My daughter lives out of town and I really hate to cry to her. She is doing her own suffering.
Can you believe my best support comes from my parents. I am blessed with both my parents.
The irony is my Dad would drive my husband to appointments-talk about role change.
I do find myself talking to my dear George-like he was still here.
The day he died I called the equipment company to remove all the medical items from my home.
I also had his recliner removed-God, he spent most of his days in that chair. I looked at it like a casket. He would be there day and into the night. He would fall asleep in the chair.
I stiil will not wash the cloths or the throw he used before he went into the hospital. I smell his cloths he work last to the doctors appointment.
My year old grand-daughter was here for the memorial mass. All I could do is think how he is missing out seeing this baby he loved so much. She makes me so full of joy, but I still cry thinking about George not seeing all she can do.
Over the years I have come to appreciate my faith in God. I am depending so much on help from a higher power-I am so hurt and I want my pain to ease.

Hugs to You Julie

Permalink Reply by Suzanne on April 13, 2010 at 4:49pm

Dear Julie,
I really do know how you feel. I think the same as you as I don't want to be here if my husband isn't here with me. My heart is in a million pieces and it pains me to just think that he is gone, I have left everything where it is, his clothes are in the same place, my wedding rings are still on my finger and that's where they'll stay. I don't have any idea when or where his belongings and possessions will go but they won't go anywhere until I say, the way I look at it is that his things are my things now. Since it's been 81 days that Dan passed away, life at times seems a little easier and at times I feel worse, but I still get crying spells and for a few days I feel unemotional and I just do what I have to do, but I heard that it is 'normal' for grievers to experience various feelings from day to day. Sometimes I feel like I'm living moment to moment. Sometimes I think no one knows how I feel, but that's not true because all I have to do is come on these grief sites and all of you understand how it is. I am so sorry for your loss. Take care and God bless.
Suzanne

Permalink Reply by Suzanne Ballard on April 13, 2010 at 6:21pm

By the way, this might be confusing some people who read this. There are two Suzanne's on this board posting. We are both signing off as Suzanne but check the name at the top for which one of us is posting.

And Julie, my Dave did exactly the same with the recliner. The drugs he took kept him up all night and he couldn't lie flat to sleep because the cancer was in his spine. Then it moved to both of his hip sockets and he couldn't sit, either. If we hadn't had this recliner, I don't know what we would have done before we got the hospital bed from Hospice. And I actually picked up a pair of dirty socks from the hamper that had not gotten washed and held them up to my face and just cried and cried. So do whatever comforts you and don't worry about what anybody else thinks.