Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 31, 2011 at 8:14am

Hi Stephanie,

judging by your picture you appear to be about as old (roughly) as my daughter. I think you're dealing with some difficult dynamics: Your lifetime relationship with your father, your relationship with your mother, and your father's emotional needs I'm assuming were unfilled by the death of your mother.

 

I have to assure my daughter, continually, that I'm capable of making my own decisions without her help. I love her enormously, but I often need to remind her that I've managed to make many important decisions about my life for many years. Fortunately, my wife is alive and we have a wonderful relationship. If she died and I found someone else, I know my daughter's thinking would be similar to yours.

 

There is no ideal time to mourn the loss of a spouse, nor any of the grief step programs that make sense when you lay them over reality. As someone who has done grief counseling in many areas of loss (e.g. abilities, pets, loved ones, etc.) one of the first questions I ask is "why are you grieving?" Most people looked socked (some even annoyed) and then name the loved one who died or what was lost. But that's not really what we grieve. If it was, then those abominable people who may have made our lives miserable would be mourned as greatly as those who we cherished.

 

It's not the person we miss, but the emotions that person created in us. What needs they filled in us. I would imagine that the needs your mother fulfilled for you were different than the ones she fulfilled for your father. My guess is that the replacement of any person, regardless of how wonderful she would be for your father, would cause some discomfort in you. No matter how terrific she may be for your father, she's not your mother.

 

If your father has found someone to replace what he lost with the death of your mother, rejoice. It happens less often then you might think. And time it takes, whether weeks or years after a spouses death is irrelevant to it "acceptability." I'm with your husband on this one. What I think you may want to do is explore what you lost when your mother died and search to have those needs fulfilled, because whether or not your father has found anyone, those needs are separate.

Hope this helps,

 

Take Care,

Stan

Permalink Reply by Nancy Eve on March 31, 2011 at 8:15am

Stephanie,

 

I don't really know how you feel because my mom's partner died nine years before she did.  However, I do understand in that I often feel guilty myself when I have fun while she's dead.  She was my best friend and in the nine years since Rosie died, Mom could't go anywhere unless we went together.  So we did everything together.  We went out, went on vacations, did everything.  As I said, I feel guilty having fun while she can't.

 

Nancy

 

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by Stephanie E. on April 1, 2011 at 7:55pm

Thank you Stan, I have read your post five times and have taken your words to heart. Thank you so much for your wise and kind words. My mother also worked in Hospice and she often said that it was the most rewarding work in all of her nursing career.

I need your expertise once more if you don't mind. My husband (Josh) resently lost his best friend (Jeremy) in Oct. due to a stupid mistake on Jeremy's part. Josh is dealing with a lot of guilt, he talked to him the night he died, and he feels that if he told him to leave and go home, Jeremy would still be alive.

Josh and Jeremy were as close as brothers, maybe even closer. They did almost everything together. He was an uncle to our kids and a brother to us. I don't even have the words to describe how special he was to our family. Their birthdays were only a week apart from each others and they celebrated together every year. This year would have been the 11th year in a row for this tradition. Their birthdays are this month and I can tell it's starting to affect my husband.

I love this man so much, he is such a special person and is never down for long. I would like your advice on how I can help him through this difficult time. He has already made plans to spend his birthday with some of his other friends with birthdays this month and I have totally supported him in this. I am making his favorite dinner and cake for his birthday and I'm going to try and make it a happy day. We will also be spending the weekend after Jeremy's birthday with Jeremy's parents. Jeremy was their only child and he didn't have any children of his own. Josh is very close to them and I feel like he feels it's his responablitly to help Jeremy's parents through this time of the year. I also feel this way and want to help in any way I can.

Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me. Again thank you for your earlier reply and I am going to try and work through my grief so I can accept my dad's love for his girlfriend. I understand it will take time, and I'm grateful to her that she is willing to give me that time and isn't pushing anything. I am very happy for my dad, I haven't seen him this happy in a long time and he does deserve happiness and love. I have thought of other people in my life who can fill the same needs that my mother filled and I've realized that I'm extreamly fortunate that I have such special people who are more than willing to be there for me and are willing to step up and be there for me. All in all I have a good life, it's just been a hard year, to lose two people in such a short time has really upset my beautiful life. But I know the sun will come out tomorrow, I can see it peeking through the clouds : )

 

Thank you,

Stephanie

Permalink Reply by Nancy Eve on April 2, 2011 at 9:32am

I don't know how old your kids are, but that should definitely should be considered when and what type of affecion is being shown in front of the kids.

 

Whenever someone is in a relationship, I think the most important thing is the children.  You can't make them unfomfortable.  What happens if the relationship changes and the kids have become to love the new person

 

I say wait.  There is no reason two adults can't hold off affection in public until everyone is more comfortable.

 

Nancy

Permalink Reply by Stephanie E. on April 12, 2011 at 1:37pm

Well...he's asked her to marry him, so there ya go.

 

Permalink Reply by Rhonda on July 11, 2011 at 10:54am

Hey Stephanie,

You're not alone...I'm going through the same situation as you are but I'm a bit older then you but I guess at any age it sure is hard to see your Dad with someone else.  My parents were married for 56 years and my Mom passed away July 14, 2010...almost a year now.  It still hurts and I still miss her so much, she was my best friend and I talked to her daily by phone.  I too want my Dad to be happy and I really try to see his point of view but as he moves on it's a bit harder for me.  I told my Dad as long as we keep communicating and telling the truth we should be ok.  At first when he started dating he lied about a few things because he knew it would be hard on us kids (I have 3 brothers).  My two brothers seem to handle it fine but my other brother feels the same as me...just don't rush into anything but as my Dad would say...I'm 80 and may not be here tomorrow so he's living as much as he can.  My biggest concern is all the travel that their doing...my Dad looks so wore out when they get home from one of their out of state travels.  I don't have all the answers but I'm here if you need to talk.

Rhonda

Permalink Reply by irene gomez on April 17, 2013 at 10:52pm

im sorry about ur mom..im dealing with somthing similar....my mom passed away april 16 2010..and not even a year later her husband(not my father) was moving in with a woman so who knows how long this relationship was goung onmy mom was married to him almost 10 years...to be honest im not sure how to feel either...how can he just up and move on???.....i still havent accepted it..i have dreamsball the time of her and im angry because shes with him...but in my dreams she tells me its ok...i dnt know wht to do..

Permalink Reply by Amanda on May 20, 2013 at 2:35pm

Hi Stephanie. I'm a little late to be starting this discussion, but maybe you still need another person's input. First, I am so sorry for your loss. I also talked to my Mom all the time, and I find myself reaching for the phone more than once a day.

My mom died recently, on April 6. My father has been seeing someone for about three weeks. Their relationship started about a month after my mom died. My parents honestly had a happy marriage. I think my father just doesn't know how to be alone, and he's making poor decisions in his grief. Luckily, he does not consider this relationship to be serious, and he has not fallen in love.

We've had a few discussions about this. I also want him to be happy, and I certainly don't want the guilt of having prevented him from being happy. So I'm trying to be very mature.

But after just a month, it's hard to be mature. I am very much NOT okay with this situation, but I'm trying to keep that to myself as much as possible.

I told my father that while it may not be too soon for him to start a new relationship, it is much too soon for me to be comfortable with it. I told him that I am not ready to be around them together. Also, I told him that I will be bringing my son (who is 2) around any lady friend that he isn't serious about. I don't want him to become attached and then be confused when that person isn't around anymore.

Once my father IS serious with someone (and by serious I mean moving in together, or engaged), then I would expect my father to limit the PDA until everyone, especially the kids, understands and accepts the situation.

Yes, this is your father's life. But his choices affect a lot of other people. Hopefully he understands that by treading carefully, he is building a stronger foundation for a happy family. When my grandmother died at age 57, my grandfather remarried. A very large and loving family was created, so I know it can be done.

I hope some of this helps you.

Amanda

Permalink Reply by Brette Stinson on June 2, 2013 at 8:56pm

Stephanie,

I hate to say this but its not about how long a person grieves, it's how they grieve.  There may be time that your father is grieving and you won't know about. Your father loved your mother, there is no doubt in that but he is still living and breathing. Let him have his life with whomever! Grief does not have a time span as long as he is not treating you any differently or loving you any differently. Love your dad and let him live his life.

Permalink Reply by Douglas on August 20, 2013 at 3:48am

I agree completely!

Permalink Reply by Douglas on August 20, 2013 at 3:54am

Hi Stephanie,

I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom. I lost my Dad first and then my Mom. For about 3 years after my Dad died, my Mom was not involved with anyone. Then she started seeing an older man who the family has known for years. His wife died years ago. At first and for a long time, I was totally against it. I had the wrong attitude about it and was disrespectful to my Mom and to her friend about it. They went places, had dinner together, travelled together and talked on the phone almost daily. It took me awile to accept it, but gradually I did.

Then they kind of stopped seeing each other, even though by this time I accepted it and even encouraged it.

Well, I REALLY feel like a jerk about it! I should have known that my Dad would have been FINE with her having this man as my Mom's friend and glad she was LIVING LIFE! I feel so selfish and idiotic!

Let your Dad enjoy his life and find new love, even if it has happened rather quickly. Please understand that his interest in this "other woman" in NO WAY diminishes his love for your Mom or YOU!

Support your Dad and be happy that he is happy! PLEASE!