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No one is talking about how she died or how it makes them feel....
On March 15th of this year (2013) my mother died tragically and unexpectedly. It has been the worst thing anyone in my family has ever experienced and it has taken a serious toll on myself, my father and my brothers; not to mention her large extended family. However, what is truly bothering me is that no one ever talks about how she died - not the circumstances of her death and certainly not how it makes them feel. I am finding this really suffocating. The only person I have been able to share my feelings with is my husband.
You see my mother died in a tragic, senseless and easily preventable way - so much so that I think it makes us all mad to think about it. So we aren't talking about it.
So here goes:
On March 14th my mom went for a walk. She was at work and she was having a very stressful day (due to the idiocy of another person causing undue and extra problems). She decided to clear her head - my mom loved to walk you see. She would go for long 2 hour walks all the time so this was not abnormal. However, she never returned from this walk. This was at 11am on the morning of the 14th. At 7pm that night I called home to talk to her and my dad finally told me what was going on - she was missing. He hadn't told me earlier because I am pregnant and he didn't want me to put stress on myself or the baby. He also hadn't told my brothers. I was immediately scared and angry; I called my brothers and both of them started driving home. The police got involved and a search was immediately set out for her as they looked on all her normal walking paths. I did not immediately go down - my family felt that with the constant police presence there and the stress of the situation it was not safe for my baby (I had had a small pregnancy scare 2 weeks earlier you see). So that night I stayed at home with my husband, checking my cell phone every few hours, and honestly not sleeping that much. Still no word. At 7am the next morning I said I was going to my dad's house, and no one was stopping me. When I arrived at my father's they told me the devastating news: my mother's body had been found. She was gone.
To be honest I don't exactly remember everything that happened after that, but I know I screamed and then crumpled to the ground and had it not been for my husband and a family friend I would have hit the ground, hard!
After that the shock set in. I spent days just whispering the word "No" in disbelief and denial.
The official cause of death was listed as natural as what seems to have happened is that while she was walking (it wasn't freezing cold but it wasn't warm either) my mother seemed to have experienced a severe drop in her blood sugar and she went into shock. You see, my mother was diabetic. Apparently she laid down on the ground and closed her eyes and never woke up again. My brother (my poor baby brother) found her body the following morning on a side path in the woods.
I think the thing that honestly hurts the most and that I am struggling with the most is not just that this was tragic and sudden but that she knew better! She was diabetic and she knew she had to be careful about her blood sugar! She was always telling me to be careful and eat properly so I wouldn't end up with diabetes like her. So why!?! Why didn't she recognize the signs and turn around and come home? Why did she keep walking? This shouldn't have happened and I can't come to terms with it at all. And what makes it worse is that my father and brothers don't ever talk about it but they must feel the same way right? I am angry....and then I hate myself for being angry with her.
I will never get any answers either so I just have to try to come to terms with the way she died....I just don`t know how to yet.
I had to get this out. I hope you all don`t think I am horrible for being angry and struggling with this.
Views: 508
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Sandie Eader on
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Maddy-
I am so sorry about your loss. You already know there are questions and no answers. It will do you (and your precious baby) no good to focus on that. Try to keep the memories of your mom alive. She will always be with you in your heart. I agree with everyone that anger and wondering if you could have done something else, something more but it was her time, and no one can change that. My husband has been gone for 18 months and I still question myself. I am still on the roller coaster but not as bad as before. I won't say it gets easier. And, remember that some men have trouble expressing feelings. My son grieves quietly and I ask him if he is doing ok. When he got to our house, the EMT's had my husband on the ground doing CPR frantically. My husband never revived. It was his time and we knew he was ill but that is something one is never prepared for, no matter illness or health. This is a great place to share your struggles as we have all been where you are. Take care of yourself and your baby. . .
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Thank you Sandie. The kind words of other people really help. I am doing my best not to focus on those questions because I am just going to torture myself. I think yesterday I needed to get it all out because it was the 2 month anniversary of her passing.
Thank you again.
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I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. I don't really have any advice to help you through this. I can tell you that you have a long road ahead, as do we all. Losing someone that means so much to you in an unexpected and tragic way is really hard to deal with. My sister died in December and I still have some really shitty days. All I can tell you is to take it day by day. For the first two months I was stuck in a horrible 'fog', nothing else in my life seemed to matter- it all just fell away. I woke up every morning sobbing and it was all I could do to get out of bed then went to sobbing. After a while, I didn't cry as often but I still occasionally find myself in that fog. You just need to figure out what your new normal is and don't keep things bottled up. I personally don't feel like I can talk to my family about how I feel because I'm usually the hard as nails rational glue that has held us all together and I don't want them to feel my pain. I do have a few friends that I turn to and blogging here has also helped a lot. I hope that you're able to find peace soon. Make sure you take care of yourself. Hugs to you. xo
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Thank you Christine, it's always comforting to find other people who understand and sympathize with what you are going through.
I am sorry for the loss of your sister - it feels like I have lost a limb sometimes.
May we both find peace somehow.
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Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on
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Hello,
I am very sad for your loss. Your pain is so raw. Don't be angry with your mother. It was her time. My Mother was a heavy smoker forever. My entire childhood and as long as I can remember, I use to blow out my birthday cake candles praying and wishing for her to stop smoking. She quit 20 years ago but the damange to her lungs, heart already to late. She had COPD and emphazema then 2 years ago she got throat cancer. My most horrible fear became my reality. I watched her suffer BEYOND the immagination from radiation and chemo. She would scream and begg for the pain to go away. I was so conflicted about everything. Angry that she did not listen to me when I begged her to STOP those damn cigarettes. Her last words to me "I am sorry I put you through so much". Those words broke my heart. I had to forgive her. And I have. I miss her every minute of my life. I spent years hating her for slowly killing herself. In the end she knew the smoking was what took her. She was all I had. My husband of 20 years left me 4 years ago for a "younger skinner" version. His words...not mine. The losses I have suffered through I would not wish on my worst emeny - if I had one. My heart is broken on just about every level EXCEPT spiritually. I decided to research life after death and it changed how I see "life". I spend every day being the best human I can be. Kindness and love to others is my mission. I am sending love to you right now. Forgive your Mother. It was her time to journey to the next world. She is still your Mother...she is just living in another place. You will catch up to her when it is your time. Until then...don't allow negative throughts about how everyone else is dealing or not dealing with the situation. That is THEIR journey. Not yours. Separate your journey from theirs and tru to learn from the pain and suffering you are experiencing. Forgiveness is hard but it will free you from your guilt. Boy did I have a lot of guilt. I still do. None of this is easy. Find your purpose. My Mother has come to visit me several times. The final time she climbed in to bed with me. It was her but she was in the form of an angle. She was beautiful and younger and free of "dis-ease". I said "Mom is that you" and she said not a word. She pulled up the cover got in bed with me and I said "Cuddle me Mom". She wrapped this beautiful wing-like arms around me and I felt her breath on me. She kissed me on the cheek and then got out of bed and was gone. I was fully awake and started to weep. For several weeks my body was drained. I realized God allowed her to come back to me so that I would TRULY BELIEVE she was indeed in a better place. I was able to let go and allow her to be where she is. She is the happiest she has ever been. Forgive your Mom and yourself.
Free your Mom...
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Permalink Reply by Dolly on
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Maybe she passed out and never woke up. Maybe it wasn't anything she could have seen coming. I know that doesn't help but just maybe she never knew what happened but just woke up with God. I think there is a verse that says "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" . I pray that is so because my son just went to sleep and didn't wake up one day. No signs of distress or struggle, just looked like he was sleeping, but his heart had stopped. The total shock and horror of something like that just paralyzes us all here...we are still reeling, actually it gets worse I think...and when someone says something like 'he's in a better place' I want to strangle them...but I know they think they're helping so I just say nothing...
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Permalink Reply by Sheila B. on
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I know what you mean Marilyn about getting tired of hearing they are in a better place. I feel selfish not wanting to hear that. If they can see what we are going through how is that a better place? I have always had alot of faith but it's mind boggling now.
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Maddy, I totally understand!! My mom died May 27th 2013 and I am not close to many other family members. In fact I am really only close to my Grandmother and my Husband and neither of them know what to say to me and they act as if they are suffering at all. It's as if everyone has moved on and I feel like I am in so much pain and going through it alone. I wake up every day with anxiety as my first thought is "oh my God my mom died"....its like I remember it and experience it for the first time every single day. It still feels like yesterday that I got the call to tell me she died. Nothing feels the same anymore.
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