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Permalink Reply by Rochelle Kramer on February 6, 2010 at 5:37pm

I understand your struggle. Dealing with death isnt an easy part of life. I am sorry for ALL your losses.

I lost my mom 3 years ago to liver cancer. My dad hadnt been in my life since I was 7 and all my siblings were much older than me. I was the baby in the family, youngest of 6, 17 at the time, still in high school, and still living with my mom. I had to finish out my senior year with no support from my family. My friends were the only thing keeping me going.

A friend told me that maybe the reason I have so many siblings, is that this heartache will bring us together and they will help me. Well, for a good year, I believed in this. My oldest sister is 20 years older than me, 2 others in their 30's, one in her late 20's and my closest sister 21 at the time. They all had their own lives with husbands, kids, fiancees, boyfriends, college, too much to make sure that I was ok. I was completely alone and no matter how much I told them how I felt, they swept it under the carpet and pretended it wasnt like that, just like they did with my moms death. Over time, I realized that they werent going to understand, and as I have fallen out of the family, ive noticed that the family is slowly slipping apart. I couldnt be the glue anymore, I was tired of them drowning me and taking me down with them. They didnt want to accept their sadness and never talked about mom, unless they were trashing her, which I made clear wasnt acceptable around me. If anything they helped me realize the type of person I dont want to be. I am 20 now, over 3,000 miles away from the rest of my family, I just moved to NYC, and the only family member that I have somewhat of a relationship with is my 24 year old sister. Even there, she can be cold hearted and hides her feelings, but shes the only one I havent given up on. I still communicate with the rest, but its on a surface level. They dont want to have anything to do with me, I understood that, so I moved on with my life.

It took me almost 3 years to what people might say move on from my family mess. I still havent moved on from my moms death, I am happier than I have been in a long time, but I still have a lot to work out.

There are a lot of people out there that dont know what they are talking about when it comes to death. When it comes to family, you can do your best to make it whole again. I dont know what your relationship is with them, but to a certain point you cant help them from drowning themselves, in a metaphorically way. You have to decide what the best for you is, and go from there, its hard to work through your own baggage when you have to carry others as well. It hurts a lot, knowing that I cant rely on my family, I wish we were close, but my reality is that they are too closed off to let it happen, and believe me, i tried. Go with what you feel is right, try and see what works with them, how to communicate with each of them, it will take time, but once you have figured out which ones you can be close with and the ones you have to be surface level with, it will be much easier to manage your own life.

I chose to create my own family, out of my friends, they are my strongest support group and I wouldnt have made it through as strong with out them.

I hope this has helped in some way. Feel free to talk and share whenever you feel like it.

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Permalink Reply by Tania Taylor on February 11, 2010 at 1:03am

When we got the diagnosis for my mother, two of my sisters decided to move in with me (supposedlly to save money) before heading to Hawaii where my mother was living with my older sister. I immediately left for Hawaii to help out. During that time they were supposed to be looking for jobs so they could save up that money. I was gone for a month and had to get back because I had my own medical treatments to do. I asked if one of them could then go to help out, but nooooo they were too busy... with what I have no idea. When I came back all they did was go party every night and sleep all day. So after a minor surgery and before I could recover fully I decided to go back. I asked them to buy our mother some items to keep her occupied in the long days at the Chemo center. I couldn't even get $5 to buy my mother some markers. Both decided they just couldn't do it. So off I went for 6 weeks, leaving my husband and teen daughter behind so I could help taking care of our mother. My older sister and I spent thousands to care for our mother. Those two chose not to even call her. My father (they divorced 25 yrs ago) even sent $2000 to help with expenses. My sisters didn't even buy food at my house, where they were staying. I finally told them to get out of my house. I didn't care where they were going to go. I just needed to focus on our mother. My mother passed away 3 weeks later. I have not talked to the younger one at all and my twin only calls if she needs something from me. My older sister and I distributed things the best we could, but of course there are things they want. I told them they could have shown some sort of support for our dying mother. If they wanted something so bad they could have got off there butts and came and got it. I have a box for each, and refuse to spend $50-$100 to mail it to them. Someday they might regret the actions they did or didn't do. For now I am focusing on my husband and daughter for all the time we missed with each other. You can't let others tell you what to do. You have to feel in your heart what you need for your grieving process. Sometimes it is just letting the other person go their own way until you can be together again. My mom had a bell inscribed with “If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.”. This is how I think of my 2 sisters right now. Hopefully one day they will come back.

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