Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Bern on January 27, 2013 at 1:23am

Our life and conversation were our children, now we don't talk..we never were going out type of couple just work/home/couch potatoes...son keep us busy..now...we alone and hurt...i just don't want no physical contact either. Dont know where to go..At least it sounds like you are fine with your husband.

Permalink Reply by Robin C. Scott on January 27, 2013 at 10:22am

Berna and Shirlee- I am so sorry that you have been through this same Hell I am living in every day. My son had been through a bad marriage with his first wife, and mother of his two children. He was devastated because she cheated on him, and within less than a year after his divorce, he married a woman who was so controlling she made him give up everything previous to her-including his family. I ended up with his children. The new wife got pregnant pretty quick, and they had a daughter. I've only seen her a few times. She told my son that if I had anything to do with his ex-wife, they could have nothing to do with me. I couldn't just tell his kids they were never to see their mother again-the divorce was enough on them. Their mother drank a lot, so I would not let her take them anywhere. She had to visit them at our home-under my watch. Needless to say- we never had another holiday with our son in the 9 years he lived after their marriage. He called and talked to me when his wife couldnt know-usually when he was at work, and sometimes late at night when she was at work. She took away the last 9 years of my son's life! Worse-I told him in 2005 he was looking bad, and he needed to get his heart checked since his grandfather had died at 43 with the WIDOW MAKER. She laughed like a witch and said she was a nurse-she would know if something was wrong with his heart. I hope she chokes on her words!! He died the same way his grandfather did. I too take one day at a time, Shirlee. I find myself wishing for Spring-NEEDING Spring. I need to see flowers and new life around me. My son's birthday is coming Feb 8- it will hurt I know. My life is backwards now. What used to bring me joy now brings me tears. I used to love baking also-but can't even find a reason to do it now. I'm so afraid of losing somebody else that I'm constantly yelling at everybody to eat right-don't drive in the rain or snow-don't smoke. I get up and check on everybody in the night, so afraid one will die and I won't be able to stop it. I look at pictures and wish so hard to be able to go back and warn my son of what's coming. I guess I've gone crazy.

Permalink Reply by Bern on January 27, 2013 at 12:46pm

Robin you not going crazy. You want what I want. I want my 20 year old son back. I look around me and all my family have their children. I don't. I am the only one that loss a child. I don't want anyone to suffer, but why me. People treat me like a disease. They don't know what to say and stay away to avoid saying the wrong thing. I don't seek them out either because if they are uncomfortable, I rather they stay away. I feel like this is a curse. I hate to cook now. I don't want to be phyical with my husband of 20 plus years. It is hard on a marriage.

Permalink Reply by Shirlee Smith on January 29, 2013 at 12:31am

Robin

You have not gone crazy and although my son did not have a wife or children we did have our differences when it came to his friends of choice. My son was not perfect but he was a great son. He helped us so very much and he actually gave up his job so he could take car of his dad and help us with our kennel. We do not have a lot of money so we rarely had money for him to go out and as many know a girl that is worth anything does not want a guy who does not have a job or his own place. One of the things I was so proud of him for was that he did not have any children like all his friends did and that he waited until he was 18 and thought he had found his forever love to have sex and she broke his heart I being a mom wanted to break her face but he would not let me he said she was not worth it. We live in Kentucky and our son went to Ohio on the Tuesday before he was killed to help his friend move back down here and when he got home that night I was waiting up for him. I wanted to make sure he got home safe. He left Wednesday to go stay at his friends house that he had helped move back down here and so I did not get to see him at all on Wednesday, he came home for a short time on Thursday to care for the dogs and make sure that his dad did not need anything and then went back to his friends house as they had plans with some other friends to go to the movies and out to dinner so I did not get to see him or talk with him then either. Then on Friday he called home early that morning and spoke with his sister and she ask him if he was coming home and he said no then a few hours later I leave to go to work and find out he was killed in an accident less than 3 miles from our home.  I now wish he would have had a child that I could love but he did not. My husband and I both believe that the widow maker is what really killed our son as we do not believe that he was speeding not there and not in the truck he was driving. I know it is really hard when a spouse makes the person that they are suppose to love choose between them and their family and I am so so sorry that your son's wife was that type of person. I know that your son loved you very much or he would not have continued to call you. Also know that his daughter with that aweful women will someday be an adult and she will resent her mother for keeping her from her grandparents and her half siblings. so please take comfort in that. Hugs are being sent from me to you.

 

Permalink Reply by Mark on March 3, 2013 at 11:01am

Robin,

 

My heart goes out to you. So many things you mention - as I just read your story after reading someone else's and seeing your story  - ring so true (e.g. like I've seen the horrid events but change the names etc and it's like your writing about a close friend etc  .... the controlling by someone  - it's me or the highway kind of situation).

 

I came on this site this am, as I saw one post - my email alerts me of posts - and I see so many stories like yours that I wanted to say how I can so feel for you.  That part you write about worrying about others, eat right etc.... I have been there too...worrying about my parents. In the end, I tried my best, but feels like it still wasnt enough.

 

Anyways, my thoughts are with you.

 

Mark

Permalink Reply by Paula Baker on January 28, 2013 at 7:06am

My 20 year old daughter Rachel passed away on 6th January 2013 from Juvenile HUntington's Disease.This is a degenerative terminal illness which she had for at least half of her life. :(

Permalink Reply by Shirlee Smith on February 15, 2013 at 12:00am

For some reason today has been extremely hard on me. I have a friend who has been told that her cancer has spread and that the treatements are not working and she needs to go on hospice. So today all I have thought about is her and how much I miss my son. I am so angry I just do not understand why he had to die. He was only 27 and had his whole life ahead of him. When he was a baby and a young child he was a sickly child and spent a lot time in the ER. Then when he hit his teen years all of that seemed to change and he was just like all the other teens. I always knew in my heart that I would never be alone as he would always be there for me. See my husband is 8 years older than me and his health is going down hill fast and now God has taken my son so I will be alone. I have always heard God only gives up what he knows we can handle and I am not sure how much longer I can handle this.

Permalink Reply by Mark on March 3, 2013 at 10:55am

Shirlee,

 

I can only speak from my perspective. I have lost both parents, and as a single party without kids, I am having lots of reflection; wondering if I had had kids, or got married, would the pain be less. Both my losses of parents were close together - two months apart - in the past 10 months approximately.

 

I know the pain I feel is for the loss. It's because we shared so many laughs together, had good times together. I was very close with them - I hear this from the perspective of people that knew how close I was too (someone will say to me "you were so good to them.... "  etc)..

 

I wish I knew what to say to you. I know there are so many sayings about.. ".....what..... we can handle...".  If they help you, great. As I have said elsewhere- from what I have tried to use to help me - I have gone through grief groups and tried to surround myself with good people. 

 

I send my thoughts to you. I know I didn't really address it here, but my thoughts are there for your friend.  Death of someone close - or hearing that term "terminal" is not a happy place.

 

Mark

Permalink Reply by Bern on March 2, 2013 at 5:36pm

Deborah today is 5 months for us. It has caused a strang on the entire family. Day to day missing, waiting on a call, looking for answers, faking a smile, just sitting in a room with other people with their sons is a hard task, trying not to cry in front of others will be a life long job

Permalink Reply by Michele Blevins on March 3, 2013 at 10:19am

I lost my 20yr old son on Feb 17, 2013. He was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes when he was 10. When he was about 16 he struggle with it. He was in and out of the hospital. Then when he was 19 he starting using herion. I am still waiting from the medical examiner. My heart is in a million pieces. I just want this to be a nightmare. I miss him so much he was my baby. On the 17th about 1pm i went to his room to check on him. He wouldn't wake up. People keep telling me i need to get back to work. I don't want to leave the house. I am exhausted and I sleep all the time. Mornings are the hardest for me. I don't know why. But I keep thinking i should of checked on him sooner. I am so lost without him. 

Permalink Reply by Mark on March 3, 2013 at 10:47am

Michelle,

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I can appreciate your feelings - your heart in a million pieces.  I unfortunately have seen how people are - re "..need to get back to work"...; I don't know if those people are your employer or just friends etc..   If someone hasn't gone through it, they don't understand usually. I have not lost a child, but I do feel I can empathize more than many.  I have gone through the same regrets about wishing I had checked on my mom- but been told by people who are experts etc,  to not feel that way.  My experience has been to seek out guidance from those who are experts (a hospice  grief group for example) to guide people through this.  If that pic is of your son, he looks like a very nice young man.  Btw, I am familiar with the "sleeping all the time".

 

Take care and my thoughts again are with you.

 

Mark

Permalink Reply by Bern on March 3, 2013 at 12:40pm

Our sons are a gift from God.  My son is 20 also. He passed away 10-2012. Our children trying to use different things to feel free and just to live life. My son told me he was having a good time. I often think of him everyday..every room. I slept in his room to make me feel better. My son was at home on the sofa...around 4pm. Around 10pm I got a phone call that he was shot. He left and went over to a girl house and something went wrong. I still don't know what happen. It has been 5months now. The girl told us and the detectives that they were playing russian rouldette. We know that was not true. The sad part he left me, his daugther (2yrs old), his girlfriend, his father, sisters.

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