Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on January 28, 2010 at 8:34pm

I see you have connected with Laura. Wonderful. Feel safe here. Do you have any pictures of your mom that you would like to post. Sharing pictures, music, stories is very much welcome here. I wish I could offer your more than a virtual (((((hug))))) Diana

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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on January 28, 2010 at 9:17pm

Hi Diana-
I just posted some pics of my sweet mama :-) Thanks for letting me feel safe. As for songs, her faves were "Give Me Jesus", "I Can Only Imagine" and a song for comfort for me is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

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Permalink Reply by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on January 31, 2010 at 1:53pm

"I can only imagine" is my most favorite song in the whole world. I love that song.

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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on January 31, 2010 at 3:11pm

Makes us realize that they are the lucky ones, they are in the most perfect place ever! :)

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Permalink Reply by Rochelle Kramer on January 31, 2010 at 12:44pm

Hi Kirstine,
This point in your life is not going to be easy, despite what "other" people tell you. I use "other" in a reference to the people who have never lost a parent, or experienced any great loss, and how they use their words to try and sound consoling. In my experience, I got to a point where I told some of those people to get lost, only if they were snide about it. Don't be afraid to stand up to your feelings and tell friends how you feel when it comes to their remarks. This is a time where you will realize your true relationships with people, some might stray away, but you may be suprised at how many stay by your side. Not to mention the different types of friendships you may gain on the way. People who havent been there, cant understand, no matter how much you tell and they listen, and thats why your here, thats why were all here.
I lost my mom at 17, which was three years ago. I can't say that it will get easier, in the sense that you will never hurt over this loss again. I think that in time, every day living gets easier. Getting up, having an agenda, making plans, and just plain living. Naturally, this will all come in time though, and believe me, I know your probably tired of hearing it, if someone said that to me 3 years ago, I would have wanted to sock them in the face...haha. Your at the early stage, so sulking is good, at least your feeling something. On top of that, your reaching out, which is amazing. Talking about it with people who can REALLY relate helps a lot.
Your probably feeling lost right now, trying to figure it out. All I have to say is, hold on to your faith! It will help in so many ways. When this cloud your in clears, you will be able to see your life again more vividly.
I hope this can help you in some way. I am here to talk to, or just listen.

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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on January 31, 2010 at 1:05pm

Thanks so much for replying to me. Your words are so kind and just what I needed to hear. It does help to hear from someone that has been through this, although I wish no one ever had to go through this. I find myself sleeping 12+ hours a day and having no motivation to do anything. I wake up and the first thing I think of is my mom, so I go back to sleep wanting to escape reality, I guess. I have 2 small kids and my husband has been great, but I've gotta get out of this funk. Seeing their little smiling faces is about the only thing that keeps me going and puts a smile on my face. My daughter, who is five, is named after my mom and looks just like her. I see her little smile and it reminds me that my mom is still here in a smaller version. I just miss being able to call my mom or ask her advice on things. I knew this was coming, she really hasn't been talking clearly since Thanksgiving and I wanted to see her out of the terrible pain she was in, but now that she is gone, the finality has kicked in and selfishly I just wish I could hold her one more time. I went to the cemetary yesterday and they have already removed the flowers and its basically just a mudpile. That made me sad. The grief comes in waves, I find myself smiling and feel guilty although I know my mom would want me to. How did you lose your mom?

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Permalink Reply by Rochelle Kramer on January 31, 2010 at 3:34pm

If you have ANY questions, I will be more than happy to help in any way that I can. I dont have all the answers, if any, but I did pick up a few things over the years that have helped. I wish I had someone to talk to when my mom first died, someone who has been in a similar situation, so I try to be there for others. I had a good friend whos dad died about 2 months ago, she is 28 and has been through a lot already. She turned to me, called all the time and we would hangout and I would listen. It hurt at first, because I didnt have a friend like that when I was going through it. Thats when I realized, if what I went through can help other people who are currently going through it, then maybe it wont hurt so bad.
What your going through, the sleeping habits, no motivation, the escape, is what a therapist would tell you depression. This early, your brain is just trying to grasp what is going on. Wrapping your mind around the idea that, "one day she was here, and the next she wasnt, hoooow the hell is that even POSSIBLE?". In result of your mind boggle, it makes you even more tired. As far as motivation, use your children as an excuse to get out of bed. When you feel ready, start making early morning plans with the family, or just to make a special breakfast. The small steps are going to start to matter, and can help make the smaller things in life feel more important. It's crazy how when life takes a new perspective,good and bad. I am glad your husband is understanding, I am sure it helps when it comes to the kids. Hold on to that, know that despite what happened, there is still SO much life needing to be lived, but it can wait until your ready.

Five days after my 17th birthday, my mom went into the hospital. She had the flu for two weeks prior, then her skin started yellowing, we thought it was just an infection. Two weeks after she was admitted, they diagnosed her with liver cancer. She never smoked, the first time she got drunk ever wasnt until her late 40's and she would have a glass of wine here or there. Thats it. When they opened her up, the cancer had spread to her pancreas and her whole esophogaus. It was too late, they gave her 4-6 months, she passed in 2 months. December 6, 2006. I was 17, senior in high school, planned on going to prom, graduating, going to college. Then my whole world turned upside down, nothing made sense anymore. I had to move in with a friend to stay at my high school. My older siblings wouldnt let me respond to any colleges, and I was on the verge of not graduating because I failed a class. The first F i have ever had in my life. For 2 weeks in the month of January I stayed in my room and would watch greys anatomy reruns and listen to the newer snow patrol album that a friend gave me. I had an option to finish school during summer and get a diploma through the mail. I knew that the least I could do for my mom was to walk and graduate with my friends. So, blindly I forced myself out of bed and went to school. Made it to prom and graduation. It hurt sooooo much not to have her there for those moments. It still hurts, knowing she wont be there when I get married or have kids. Anyways, I've hopped around 7 different locations, between family and friends, only to find out that my welcome would soon be worn out. I tried going to a community college for a year and a half, but I was so depressed, both because of the death and the fact that I didnt get to go to the college I got accepted in to. So, I just maintained a job, and tried staying out of my families problems.
Last summer I decided to move to NYC. Despite how many times I tried reconnecting with my older sibling and my dad, they were unsupportive and degraded the way I lived my life. On top of that, they were drowning me. I was tired of them trying to take me down with them, because they didnt want to deal with their emotions. I was done trying. So, I am here in the city now, trying to start over...again. haha. It hasnt been easy, but I have definitely been through worse. I want to be able to make her proud, even if she isnt here physically to recognize it.
I still miss her though, as if it was yesterday.

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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on January 31, 2010 at 6:15pm

I am sorry you have been through so much. You lost your mom to cancer as well, so you and I really are in the same boat, but its later in life for me. I am 32 and she did get to see both of my kids born. I am so sorry this happened to you. You know if I could say the right thing to make it hurt less, I would, but we both know there are no words. I will be praying for you and I know you are making your mom proud. Look at all you've been through and you continue to troop on. Any mother would be proud of all that you have been through and the fact that you are where you are now. I am sorry your family is not more supportive. I am here anytime you need to talk. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed about a month ago when my mom was in her last weeks. They put me on Cymbalta, which has helped, but nothing really touches this pain. My kids do make me smile and I see my mom in them, which is a MAJOR blessing. You will get this blessing yourself when you have children one day, knowing they are part of your mom. I am so sorry for your pain and all that you have been through. I will keep you in my daily prayers and you keep your chin up and be proud of all you are doing to make your mom proud! Hugs and snugs (((())) K

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Permalink Reply by Michelle Hornbrook on January 31, 2010 at 9:47pm

The biggest key is to realize that she will always be with you. Maybe not physically but she will be there watching over you. I suffered my first major lost when I was 10 years old and I lost my big sister. She was the one person that I could always depend on and trust with anything. My childhood was not the greatest and she was the only thing that made me strong and helped me to become the person I am today in her own way. She was 19 when she fell off the back of a pickup. She left us with a 13 month old boy. He and I grew up as brother and sister. The past couple of years I sat and watched him suffer treatment for leukemia and then the transplant not taking. At the same time we have treated and watched my in laws past away which was very hard for me because they were just like my own parents. I found that after we lost our mother in law I was a bigger mess then my hubby. As you said it is very very hard to handle the lost of a loved one. I had always looked at her as my mother. Her and I talked every day for hours. When she was going through her treatments we spent particularly every hour of the day together. My hubby, boys and I moved into the house with her because she wasn't able to take care of herself. I remember all to well going through the final stages and that was two years ago. It will talk time to function and handle everyday tasks and to live with what has happened. Some say that that is when you "accept" it but you never truly accept the loss rather you learn to live around it and make something of yourself for them. After losing my sister I made her a promise that I would not allow myself to get into the situation that she was in and therefore I went into college right after high school and made through with my Master's degree while also having two boys. I guess the biggest thing that I can tell you is that as your body adjusts to functioning "normal" you will be able to pick up things that remind you of her every where you go. I lost my baby boy (16 years old) in May and I have had a really hard time to handle it. I have always believed that a parent should go before their child and now I remember why. I had shut myself away from everyone and everything until one day I was in our back yard taking down an old building and taking out my frustration when all of a sudden I went and took off a board there was a beautiful big silver dragonfly. My son always loved them all I did was sit there and cry because I knew that he was watching over me. So just talk and let yourself grief and all the hurt to go through because if you try and cover it up it won't work. If someone comes up to you and starts to ask you questions about everything and you don't feel like talk then don't hesitate to tell them that but trust me you still want to try and stay out around people otherwise it is even harder.

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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on February 1, 2010 at 4:31pm

Oh my gosh, I am sorry you have been through much. This is the first loss I have suffered and it feels like my heart has been ripped out. I can't beleive all the people you have had to lose. I know there are no words that I can write or say to make you feel better, but you should be proud of all you have accomplishend and the attitude you have considering all you have been through! Please know that you are in my prayers! Hugs (((())))) K

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Permalink Reply by Michelle Hornbrook on June 29, 2010 at 10:33am

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and I am sorry that I am so long in responding. I havent been on the computer much. I have been having some medical problems with my seizures and the stress related to everything. I think I was able to handle all of my other losses because I had some way to say good bye to them and that may sound strange. But I feel as though my son without even being able to tell him how much I loved him. I find that the pain is really starting to hit now and alot of the prolonged feelings have to do with my surgery and my immediate reaction to things. Once it has transfered to the right side of my brain I start to get the emotions that many deal with during the actual loss. Thank you again for the support and I hope that you are doing ok I know that you will never forget your loss but am hoping that you are able to function better and realize that your loved one will always be with you. hugs Shelly Maire

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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on February 1, 2010 at 4:32pm

Thanks so much elva. I am trying to take things one day at a time, the grief seems to come in waves. I'll be ok and then all of a sudden, I am a total mess and am breaking down. I appreciate the virtual hugs :)

K

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