Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on January 29, 2013 at 4:14pm

Dear Sarah,

I was exactly in your shoes June 26, 2010. My mom a smoker, COPD, emphazema, throat cancer.....it was HORRIBLE. She suffered beyond belief and I watched the life drain out of her body. It changes everything my friend. The ONLY thing that saves my mind is my faith in God and knowing she no longer suffers. God doesn't bring the cnacer but he rescues them from suffering. My life is forever changed as your now is. Keep this thought....we are all here to live and learn and then die....be the best daughter you can be serve the world and one day you will be with your Mom again. None of us live forever. It is all about when and how WE will die and leave our bodies and move the heaven. Call the next phaze what you will....but it is a much better place than here. Tragedy, loss and pain teach us the most. What do you most learn from? A great day or a horribly awful painful ordeal? Your mother is STILL your mother....she is just physically no longer available...she is in another place. My mother has visited me several times. One night I felt someone get into bed with me....I said "Mom is that You"? She said nothing and I asked "Mom cuddle me" and she wrapped this adoring arms around me. They were like angel wings. I asked her "Kiss me Mom" and she kissed me on the cheek and then was gone. I swear to you it was REAL. Please know I care and I am praying for you. I miss my mother EVERY minute. I cry when I look at her picture. It is VERY hard. You are not alone. Sue

Permalink Reply by Sarah Davis on January 29, 2013 at 5:14pm

Sue,

Thank you very much for responding to me. I greatly appreciate it. Yes, it has changed everything. I want to be a more understanding, loving, caring and patient person now (not that I wasn't before). My mom always said 'You never get over your mama.' I never really understood the gravity of that statement, until now. I do take peace in the fact that she's no longer in pain, I am grateful for that. She suffered a lot this past year, she really had no quality of life left. I do hope that she visits me, even if just once, to let me know she's okay and happy. I had a dream about her 3 days after she passed away and I was very mean to her in my dream. I don't know why I was being mean to her, I'm not mad at her for anything. Maybe on some unconscious level I am? Or was I lashing out because I'm so hurt? I feel bad for the dream, when I woke up that morning I said to myself 'What the heck was that all about?'. But another part of me was happy to see her, even though she never spoke to me in my dream. I've had a couple other people pass away recently and I always have at least one dream about them and never do they speak to me. I wonder why that is too.

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on January 30, 2013 at 7:08am

Sarah,

I started off writing about how bad my life is right now and decided to erase what I wrote. I am very down this morning but I will work my way out of it. Our dreams can be so amazing or very haunting. I have had some dreams where I wake in tears screaming out for my mother. I have had dreams like yours as well. Grief, they say goes through stages. Anger being one of them. Anger that they left us? But they didn't have a choice did they? My mother is EVERTHING to me. She still is. I don't ever talk about her in past tense. Your mother will come to you when you are able to deal with it. It is heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time when my mother comes to me. When we sleep is when we are the most accessible to them connecting with us. Have you read anything about life beyond leaving this one? I did and it helped. Spend some times researching. This certainly cannot be all there is. There absolutely is a creator - some call this creator God. We certainly did not evolve from apes. LOL. Take this time to fulfill why you were created and what your journey is all about. I am trying. I find that there are so many distractions that knock you off of your path. Your purpose. Right now I am trying to deal with the effects of means people and how they can just mess with you if you let them. Your mom and my mom TRULY are at a better place. It is you and I that have to suffer through missing them physically here. And it is through suffering that we LEARN the most. Sarah my heart hurt for you. You will adjust somehow. I did. I cry. I hurt. I miss her at all times. You will too. We grieve as deeply as we love. Take one minute at a time. We are ALL headed towards our exit from this place, from these bodies. If my day is today I am so ready to see my Mom, my Grandmothers.....and all of those already there. You help me just allowing me to write back to you. You will find this is great "therapy". Last...my mother NEVER speaks to me in my dreams either. When she comes to me no words are ever spoken. But the emotion is GIGANTIC. I also put my life in Gods hands completly. Sue

Permalink Reply by Sarah Davis on January 30, 2013 at 5:08pm

Sue,

I was having a depressed day yesterday. Didn't really do anything except look at pictures of my mom and cry. I know I have to go through the motions of trying to deal with this new reality of mine. This new reality still seems so unreal to me. Must be the denial part. A part of me has accepted that she is no longer physically with me, but sometimes I just can't believe it. I always knew this day would come, I had thought about it pretty much ever since I learned what death was when I was a small child. I guess one can never really prepare for something like this. I do feel blessed to have met you and be able to talk to you. You remind me of my mom. My mom was very into discovering life after death, what happens, and where we go. She was very spiritual. She liked to learn about all kinds of spiritualism and religion. She was open to just about everything I think. I've found some of her old notebooks and in one she wrote "I am...The giver and the gift, The creator and the creation, The teacher and the student." That one inscription has stuck with me. And I am too dealing with mean people and trying not to let them mess with me. My sons father said some very hurtful things to me about my mom just days after her passing. I was angry for a while, but realized they were untrue and I wouldn't feed into his negative ways. My heart doesn't have the capacity for anger or hatred right now. Thank you so much for talking to me, it's been a big help.

Permalink Reply by Mary on January 29, 2013 at 5:20pm

So very sorry to hear of your loss.  In ways your mom sounds like my mom-an angel on earth and someone who touched the lives of anyone she met. Your pain is real and it takes time for it to lessen.  Don't beat yourself up over the things of the past, you can't change them and the most important thing is that you know your mom knew you loved her. Use this forum to vent, express yourself, seek support.  We are all in the same boat and truly know how you feel.

Permalink Reply by Sarah Davis on January 29, 2013 at 5:55pm

Thanks Mary. I'm trying not to beat myself up with should of, would of, could of's. But sometimes, just can't help but to feel bad for certain things, you know? And yes, she was very much loved by not only me but the rest of my family and friends. And I am glad I found this place. I didn't think I'd need support, but I guess I was wrong.

Permalink Reply by Eliza on January 29, 2013 at 9:55pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think, even when the death is expected, the loss you feel is so incredibly overwhelming when it happens. Nothing prepares you for the intensely profound sense of loss you feel afterward. My mom was sick with pancreatic cancer for just over a year when she passed. Even though I had prepared myself for the fact, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's been two months--and I miss her every minute of every day. So know that you are not alone in your feelings; after my mom died, a friend told me, "nothing is harder than being the daughter who loses her mother." So true. As another poster mentioned, you might look for signs that although your mom is not physicslly with you, she is still with you in some form. I have had several comforting signs from her and sense her presence around me a lot of the time. Sending you hugs.

Permalink Reply by joni miller on March 1, 2013 at 6:08pm

Hi

I lost my mom  in August of last year, and at times it seems like yesterday at other times  like forever. I understand all the range of emotions you are feeling as I too  have had them and still do at times.  I  just would like to tell you that  do not  question your grief,  just surround yourself with people who love you and who understand and can  share in the grief process with you. 

 

I would like to say it gets better fast, but that would be dishonest, and I wouldnt do that.  I will say that it is a process with no time frame, and   all of the  racing thoughts you are having is your mind and spirit processing all that has happened and trying to  overcome  this  tragedy.

 

Know that there are many people who care..  sometimes they are not out here when you most need to talk I have found so, posting  messages as you have  is a good way for people to read your post and  respond when they can.

 

Take care of yourself,  

 

TMA.

Permalink Reply by kathy bishop on March 1, 2013 at 7:51pm

I feel so badly for anyone who has lost their mom.  My mom died at 12:58, valentines night.  My sister was holding one of her hands and I had the other hand.  My daughter, is a nurse was their timing her breaths. Mom, died peacefully but had suffered for 6 years from altimzers, which hurt us kids the most, to watch her decline and the person, she was slowly slipping her away. Nothing we did could bring her memory back, frustrated at times, but the love we had for her helped ease the pain, my mom lead a full live and traveled the world, she traveled right from our hands into Gods loving arms, where my husband had  helped pave her way. So, I lost two love of my lives in 19 months.  I find myself curled into a ball crying my eyes out. Someday, I will understand the meaning of this but for right now the anger and grief is so great. My hospice social worker was here today, slowing working through the grief. One step at a time. Thanks for listening.