Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on December 30, 2009 at 4:42pm

Angela,
I can imagine the pain that you are going through. It is unbearable. My partner died suddenly on 25th September, 2009. I have lost my grandparents and my father but this is different. The person that you spend all of your time with, the person you fall asleep with and wake up to, the one who holds your hand and loves and understands you just suddenly gone! And it is so hard and the one person that you would normally turn to is no longer there. My heart goes out to you and I wish that none of us had to experience this. The human heart and soul is stronger than we realise. You will be feeling very alone and afraid. Even when we think that we will die from the pain we don't. Which is hard in itself.
Keep talking about how you are feeling and keep talking about your wonderful man. It really does help, even if only for a minute, to talk to people who know what you are going through.
I am so sorry for you both that your future and love was taken away. It is not fair.
Sending warm thoughts to you both.
Toni

Permalink Reply by Angela S. on December 30, 2009 at 4:47pm

Thank you. It's really hard since out of frustration his parents told me that it's my fault. They have apologized but I still feel the tension. He was there only child. Now they are all alone and I don't know what to say to them anymore. I listen to them argue. I feel so horrible and sick. I don't eat or drink since it happened. all I do is cry and cry and scream. I'm sorry for your lost to. Losing your partner is so hard. I never felt like this before and the pain is so fresh and hard to deal with.

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on December 30, 2009 at 5:08pm

Angela,
What a terrible thing for his parents to say! I don't think that there would be any one else who thought it was your fault. The people in the car who killed your partner, it is their choice that they made...not yours. And people say and do things in their shock and grief that they would not normally do otherwise. My partners Mum and children and I all did and said things that we had to forgive each other for. We needed to be gentle and forgiving and gentle with ourselves and each other. Now, we are all closer than before and the thing that helped the most is that we talk about him because we all miss him.
I wailed, screamed, cried and pleaded just to have him back. It is like a nightmare but there are small things that make me smile sometimes. I remember him and his jokes, and gentleness and love and it comforts me. The unbearable pain has lessened a little but the lonliness and loss remains.

I know also that you do not feel hungry, but try to eat. Little and often seemed more manageable. And sleep is really, really important. Plus, it gives your brocken heart some respite from the pain. Listen to your body and tears, it is trying to help you.
We will get through this Angela, I am not sure how but it is going to happen and we will help each other to smile and live again.

Permalink Reply by Angela S. on December 30, 2009 at 5:10pm

Thank you.

Permalink Reply by Tina P on January 13, 2010 at 8:02am

Hi,
I just wanted to express mysympathies to you. I too lost my boyfriend and kid's father in a car accident that happened a little over a year ago. I don't think there has ever been anything that I can compare this loss to. Even now when I think about it, I still have silent screams that I can't make come out.
I have found that I needed something to focus on that made me smile everyday. I did this for Brendan(my boyfriend) because I know that he would not have wanted to ever see me this way. The first few weeks were a total blur, and I felt like I was a complete zombie during them and everything about the situstion just felt so surreal. I hated when people would come give me sympathy because there is no comfort when you have lost someone who meant this much to you. I hate to tell you, but the sadness in my heart is still there. Peopel tell you that with time it gets better, and yes it does to some extent. I can function and take part in normal "life" but there are these moments when I reach for my phone to call him to tell him something that only he and I would find funny, and I realize what I am doing and weep. It is hard.
However, you have to realize that you have to smile again at some point. This can not ruin you, because he would not have wanted you to be this way. Take your time in this, there is time to mourn and to be sad, and you have to let yourself do it. Whatever you are feeling, let yourself feel it.
As for the understanding of why, this can not ever be understood. Perhaps, there is a small portion of good in this. Maybe he would have had some horrible illness down the road that would have taken him, and this saved him from all the pain and suffering. It's too hard to understand why though, and just accept that life is a gift, and the time that you spent with him was a gift and although it ended all too soon, what is in your heart and your memories are all yours to keep forever. No one can ever take away that.
Be brave and strong, but do not be too much so that you don't cry. Yell and scream and weep and talk. Let people take care of you, they may not understand the extent of the pain you feel, but they care about you.
But remember, find something to make you smile everyday. Don't let your soul become consumned with the bitter. It is a longer road to recovery then.
Tina

Permalink Reply by Angela S. on January 13, 2010 at 4:14pm

Tina.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have o idea what is is to loss not only your bf but the father for your child. I recently check to see if I was pregnant and was told no. I felt like someone punch me in the stomach. In some way I was hoping to have a piece of him also with me that was not a material object. I have some o.k days, some so-so days and some horrible days where I feel the world around me is falling apart. Thank you for your words through. I hope that maybe one day in the future I was manage to handle a cry without falling apart and feeling like I want to be sick.

Permalink Reply by Tina P on January 15, 2010 at 11:51am

It is hard to loss not only the man that I loved, but my child's father. It really sucked in the beginning to have to be strong enough to pull myself up and take care of my boy, when I just felt like staying in my bed for weeks on end. Although now I look back and was glad that I had something that made me realize that I HAD to keep going because someone depended on me. I actually did the same thing after Bren died, thought for some reason I was pregnant again, and really really wanted to be. I would have loved if maybe I had a little girl by him. I cried when I saw that I was not, but, as the time goes on, I realize how hard it is to raise a child without a father. Especially one who adored his son so much and whose only goal was to be there for his son because his father never was.
As much as you want a part of him, all of my son's life will be bittersweet. I couldn't fully enjoy his first day of school because that was something that we had started looking into about 2 month before he died. I cried at his first school assembly where they sang cute little songs because I knew how proud his Daddy would have been of him.
I know that people always say that the first year is the hardest, that you have to make it through all the "firsts" the first christmas without him, the first new year's, but I know my life will be full of firsts. His first date, his first school dance, his graduation.
While you may regret not having that part of him forever, it would not ahve brought you the same happiness as if you were both still there.
The days will even out for you, and I know that it seems like they never will. But I can promise you that they will. The memories will make you smile and give you warmth and comfort someday rather than make you cry. I can't promise you when that will happen, but just know that they will, but it is okay to not have good days still. I still do. There are days when I am weepy. Especially now that I am opening up to talking about my feelings. But someday you will feel your strength coming back, and want to be alive again. I always had my heart set on spring, that that would be the time when I felt better because the whole world is alive again. I think having a goal with reasoning helped me out. I really did feel my soul becoming alive again in the spring.
You will become strong again, stronger than you thought you could be.

Permalink Reply by Kisha Bean on February 1, 2010 at 5:30am

I am sorry for your loss. I too, loss the man I love to a car wreck. His wreck happend only a half a mile from our house. We have three children and I can't stop thinking about what happened. There are so many unanswered questions. I miss him more everyday. I still can't beleive he is gone. He died on Jan. 1st, 2010. I want him back, but that will never happen. I don't even know what to pray for anymore, or how to pray. The one thing I truly want is impossible. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My name is Kisha and my email address is tylibmom@yahoo.com if you need to talk. I am also on Facebook. I hope you are feeling a little better.

Permalink Reply by Angela S. on February 2, 2010 at 11:31pm

Thank you for your support. and I'm so sorry for your loss too. It's so hard to lost the men we loss in a accident so quick it happen in a blink of an eye.I know how you feel. I would love to get a time machine and bring him back. but I know that won't happen through I probability try if one did exist. His birthday was Feb 2 and I spent it in the cemetery crying with the mother after the priest came over and sat down with all of us and talk about our feelings and emotions. I hope you don't mind if I do e-mail you because I know I really need to talk to someone
Thanks again.

Permalink Reply by Kisha Bean on February 2, 2010 at 11:51pm

I don't mind at all if you email me...no one really understands what you are going through unless they have been there. I go to the cemetery all the time, but my kids don't really like going so it's hard to go sometimes. He is on my mind 24/7, and I am constantly replaying that night in my head. I know there is nothing I could have done different to keep him from going though. Please email anytime.

Permalink Reply by Angela S. on February 2, 2010 at 11:57pm

oh my gosh. that's exactly what I'm doing. I go to the cemetery all the time but my family and his parents don't understand it. Even the docotr tells me to cut down but they know right now I can't. I do the excat thing of playing the night over and over I also have a nightmare of that night and what the dad told me of the car and the mom telling me how she saw the body and I keep seeing him smiling at me at my front door and in the background is the voice of his father telling me that 'it's your fault. it's your fault my son is dead'. I know they are grieving and they don't think that anymore but I can't get that nightmare out of my head.

Permalink Reply by Angela S. on February 2, 2010 at 11:58pm

I added you onto my e-mail also

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