Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Raven on December 8, 2012 at 1:26pm

He died of colo-rectal cancer and was 44 years old.  He was diagnosed in 2008 and had 4 chemotherapies and 3 surgeries.  One was to remove part of his colon and rectum and have a colostomy bag.

Permalink Reply by joni on December 8, 2012 at 2:16pm

Dear raven can relate to your situation somewhat-such a difficult thing-if you can get support
Through hospice or church or a counselor may be helpful..much love n huggggggsssssss

Permalink Reply by Raven on February 14, 2013 at 8:28am

Thank you Joni,

I am now seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor and am hoping for better days ahead.

Permalink Reply by Jan Duvenage on February 2, 2013 at 12:06am

Hi Raven, i haven't posted in a while but when i saw your post just now i thought i need to put pen to paper so to speak.

I know what you are going through, the feelings of regret, grief and guilt at not being more for your husband.

Know this though, cancer is a evil disease and it changes a persons personality completely and from being a completely spontaneous open and talkative person they become moody,irritable and angry, at themselves and at the people around them. It takes patience and a lot of love not to give up on someone that is suffering from this disease and from what i have read here you gave it your all as a loving partner and wife. When my wife passed away in the early hours of Monday morning April 19, 2010 i wasn't at her bed side at the hospital as we as a family said our goodbyes the Sunday evening as she was allready in a coma at that stage from all the morphine they we pumping into her. I still feel guilty about not being there when she passed but also know that she wasn't there as her soul had left much earlier and it was only her body that remained. Please take comfort in the fact that no matter how you feel about what happened, at some stage you were both in love with each other and that That love never dies.

Take care.

Jan

Permalink Reply by Raven on February 14, 2013 at 8:26am

Hi Jan,

Thank you so very much for your reply.  Yes, cancer is an evil disease.  My husband's personality completely changed in the 4 years that he suffered.  I have realized in the last few months that the 4 year ordeal has really damaged me.  I no longer trust in the flow of life.  I am hurt beyond being able to get through most days.  It's like I still want to go to chemotherapy with him and help him with his surgeries, and now that he's dead, I have nothing to live for.  My family doesn't understand why I am in such bad shape.  They saw how abusive he was and think it is a God thing that he was taken.  But I miss him all the time and have regret over how our marriage turned so sour in the end.  

Yes, I agree that your wife was not there when she died and that her soul had left much earlier. Thank you for encouraging me that no matter how I feel now, the love that he and I once had will never die.  

Happy Valentines Day!

Raven

Permalink Reply by Raven on February 20, 2013 at 8:56am

Has anyone gone into the hospital for help with grief and did it help?  I am barely able to cope.  I had to get a job when my husband died.  And I miraculously found a job within 3 weeks of him dying.  However, I lost the first two jobs because I couldn't cope.  I am now in my 3rd job and am still breaking down at work.  I did go to an M.D. Psychiatrist 3 weeks ago and am hoping for some relief.  I am barely able to go to work every day, but I do.  When I get home at 5:30, I go to bed and sleep until it's time to get up again at 6:30 pm.  My friends think I need to go into the hospital.  But I am worried that I'll lose my job.  

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on February 21, 2013 at 4:13pm

i cant even set foot in a hosptle raven the thrty of seting foot in 1 makes me feal ill i no iv got hspitle fobia syndrem whis is not good i woz forsed to go in to the wark in medical senter a few weeks ago not by chosie but it least it woz not a hosptle but a medical mplase i only hurt my leg my nea part nothing to wory thng god i just brused the tishue on my nea after i fell and brused the side of my rite stomic luck its nothng to wory abt even if  did i wonded wory abot my self only othr oeope i wud wory abot i never thng abot my self never i stopt thng abot my self a long time ago iv allways tryed to put othrs 1st and put my self lsat i no yesterday i had to go to dentist well its not a hospitle thng god to get root canal treatment dun on a tooth had a few xways dun i dont care abot the tadiasion if it gets me iv had more xways over th yrs then sense i have iv  had a lot of chest xways in my life im stil hear i no a lot of peope on 1 side of the family will be saying worse luck lot pf hed xways had a lot of hed injurys dont smoke tryed it onse it tasted disgusting to me its a dirty habit wear i live ther is no suport groups for grief ths web site is the only help  alot of us hav its like we all suport each othr wen we go on chat its like we trying to help each othr its the only help a lot of us only have sory if iv not help

Permalink Reply by Lisa Marie RN on March 2, 2013 at 12:26pm

Hi again Raven. Wow, 3 weeks. That is a very short period of time. A psychiatrist can be a wonderful tool in times like these. I am actually a RN at a psychiatric hospital in Florida. I see patients with depression all the time. I believe I'm in a unique situation because I am a grieving daughter and a nurse, so I hope maybe being in this situation can help someone. I am just like you. I come home and do not want to do anything. I feel I can't watch anything on TV b/c the smallest thing will trigger something and it's just too sad. All I want to do is sleep. I don't have energy to do anything. Just making a sandwich feels like a chore. They say time heals wounds, but I feel like it's getting worse each day. I hide it from those at work, I treat and help people who feel just like me, and sometimes it gets to me, but I feel I can help them in a special way, because I don't feel sympathy for them, but empathy, because I know how they are feeling.

   As far as your friends thinking you need to go into a hospital. I don't necessarily feel everyone who is depressed, who has lost someone, everyone who feels like I do, or probably like you do, needs to be hospitalized. A day in a psych hospital consists of meeting with the doctors, social workers, therapists, case workers, and taking your meds. In my opinion, those are all things that can be done outside of the hospital. It's when you stop going to work, you stop getting out of bed at all. It's when you feel truly hopeless, like you have nothing to live for and are truly contemplating hurting yourself. That's when hospitalization is needed. That's when the meetings can help you cope and teach you how to deal with your loss. Other than that, there are groups, doctors, and medicine you can take to help you. Maybe some counseling with the guilt, I think that will probably be the hardest for you, feeling guilty that you were not there. Good luck to you.

Permalink Reply by Melisa C on February 21, 2013 at 5:33am

My situation was different to yours. However I also have feelings of regret. I like to think that I did what I could given the situation and my resources. Sometimes I can make myself believe this and sometimes not. I hope you can forgive yourself, because you too did the best you could, and you've been through a lot.

Please continue seeing your psychiatrist, I guess when we can't cope, we need to reach out to others.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Marie RN on March 2, 2013 at 12:13pm

Hi Raven, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my father on 12/13/12, so I do not know the loss of a husband, but I do feel grief and regret with my father. My father was diagnosed in July 2012 with Lung cancer but after the surgery they said they removed it all and he didn't need chemo. I was actually in nursing school at the time, and instead of putting everything in to my father, going with him to his follow ups, making sure everything was truly ok, I just let them handle it, not realizing all the medical terminology would go over their heads and not truly be understood. I was in the process of moving out of their house when he got sick. I was going to stay so I could help my mom look after him but they still wanted me to move out, plus he wanted my room cause it was closer to the bathroom. So when I would call each day they said things were the same, or slowly getting better, etc. I was never aware of how things were really not getting better, but getting worse. Nov 4, my mom called and asked me to meet my dad at the hospital, he was going to the ER b/c they thought he was having a stroke and my dad wouldn't let my mom take off another day of work. So I met him there, to find out, yes, there was a brain tumor and it caused a stroke. The next day we were told the cancer was back and after he gets better from the brain surgery, we would start chemo. So he was sent home to recover. Again, not knowing how bad it was, I listened to my parents say things were ok. They didn't tell me he had quit eating, he was having trouble breathing, could barely swallow, all things that were suppose to be getting better. Nov 30 during their check up, the doc knew something was wrong and called for an ambulance. Back to the ER. Again, my parents made it seem like nothing, I was just going to the ER to drop some things off, 10 minutes later the doctor walked in and said the cancer had spread, everywhere, it was terminal, and he was being admitted. I pulled the doctor aside and asked him how long, he said a few months. God only kept him with us another 2 weeks. At 4am we got a call from my mom that he was going to pass sometime soon. We all had a chance to go and say our goodbyes. I was last, and within 5 minutes my sister in law, who is a CNA and has seen it many times, called for us all, that he was about to go. It's like my dad waited for me to say goodbye. With all his loved ones in the room, my mother, sister, brother and I all at his bedside holding his hands, we watched him take his last breath, and finally end his pain and suffering.

   I took and passed my RN boards on Nov 18th, in the middle of dealing with all this, all I wanted to do was make him proud. I received my license in the mail 3 days before he passed. I was so proud to be able to show him. I am so saddened he'll never see me in my scrubs, never see my 1st paycheck as an RN. Never see me finally fulfill my dreams, never walk me down the isle and give me away, I was never able to give him a grandchild. It hurts so much to know I could have helped him fulfill his dreams of being a grandfather and the greatest joy of giving your daughter way. I regret that I didn't push harder and fight for my father, I wasn't more involved in his care. I wonder if I wouldn't have moved out, would I have caught the signs, I am after all, a nurse. I did train and learn all this. Why didn't my parents tell me how sick he was? Why didn't they trust me to tell me so I could help?

Permalink Reply by s savoie on March 22, 2013 at 7:02am

Dear Raven,  Thank you for being honest.  I am sure that you are I are not the only ones to feel grief mixed with regret.  I have lots of anger and guilt mixed in.  My husband of 35 years became a very angry, hateful person.  We had been no more than roommates for years, but I was not strong enough to leave him.  After more and more angry outbursts, I was ready  to leave.  My oldest son convinced him to finally see a doctor,  and we received the diagnosis of colon cancer that had already metastisized to his lungs.  I was so angry with him for ignoring his doctors for years, not eating right, not exercising, and smoking almost 2 packs a day.  His oncologist told him that he could live for years, but that he had to quit smoking or the chemo would not work.  His whole family did everything possible to help; 3 kids gave up jobs and school to move home to work on the farm.  He continued to smoke; sneaking around and lying.  But his doctors knew.  We all suffered through 12 chemo treatments.  I could not believe he chose cigarettes over me and his kids.  I know it is an addiction, but people do walk away from addictions.  I started  going to therapy to deal with my feelings.  Although I didn't physically leave, I checked out emotionally.  I scheduled a couples' therapy  session, but we didn't make it.  Six months after diagnosis, he died.  Even when he went to the E.R. he was in denial.  He would not discuss finances or a living will.  He told me to just get the divorce papers ready.  I am still angry with him.  I have not forgiven him or myself.  Could I, should I have been more sympathetic, more supportive??  I have such guilt mixed my regrets about how it all ended.  I have also read lots of books, and searched for a support group.  The nearest grief support group is 80 miles away from where I live.  I have tried different on-line groups, but it just breaks my heart to read others' stories about how they lost the love of their life.  I lost mine before he died. So, thank you again.  Even though our stories are different, they are similar, and it helps to know we are not alone.  One other person replied to you that there was love at one point, and I try to remind myself of that. It doesn't help that  his sister is not speaking to me due to the family farm trust mess I have been left to clean up.  I want no part of the farm, but my kids deserve better.  His mom tells me regularly that he was such a good man, and that the smoking is not what killed him.  I just have to be quiet.  I hope you find peace.  And I hope to find another therapist or a group out there, but this helps to vent to you.

Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on December 30, 2013 at 10:40am

Today was the first time I saw your post. I am sorry I didn't see it before. Did you find a support group? The most important thing is to find someone you can talk to. Well, I will listen anytime you need to talk.

Brenda

mawmaw1591@gmail.com

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