Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on December 18, 2009 at 2:47pm

Sandra - welcome to this group - as always I am so sorry to have to welcome another member of this club that no-one wants to belong to.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Kevin. Losing a child is the hardest thing any human being ever has cope with.
This is a great group of people who know and understand completely what you are going through. My daughter Meshael died in 2001, so I'm an old hand here and hopefully we'll be able to give your emotions some kind of reality. Unless you have been there yourself its really difficult for other people to understand how we feel after such a tremendous loss.
You are just at the beginning of this journey and I hope that we'll be able to help you get through the dark moments. Please feel free to rant and rave as much as you like - we understand.
I'm glad to see that you are getting some help but neither you nor your therapist should be looking for quick fixes as there are none. We have to go through all the stages of grief in our own time and in our own way.
I can understand that you are feeling the guilt of Kevin's addiction but you should realise that it wasn't your fault or your father's - addiction is not so much a hereditary problem. It's far more about who we are sharing our lives with at any given moment. I think that most of us have blamed ourselves at some point, I know I did. You will come to realise that Kevin knew what he was doing and that was nothing to do with you. I'm so sorry my love, this is so tough.
Just know that we are here for you, so feel free to post when you feel like it and hopefully you may find some comfort in the knowledge that we understand.
Take care Gail x

Permalink Reply by Sandra K Wernecke on December 19, 2009 at 4:56pm

Gail,
Thanks for your kind words, and for understanding what I'm going through. No one but someone like us that has suffered this loss really understands the pain. I honestly talked about killing myself after finding out that my son was dead. Then someone said can you do that to your husband and your daughter; if you are gone they will go what you are going through now, on top of the death of your son. I started seeing a therapist.
Another concern by friends/loved ones is that I will go back to drinking alcohol again. No, I can't do that as I don't think I have another recovery in me; the alcohol will kill me, any recovering alcoholics/addicts out there can probably identify. And I can't do that to my son as I know wherever he is that he wants me to stay sober.
Take Care, hope to keep in touch with everyone,
Love, Sandy

Permalink Reply by Connie Pharr on January 25, 2010 at 6:40pm

Hi Sandra,
Let me begin by saying how very sorry I am that you have been forced to become a member of a group no one wants to ever be a part of. I too lost my son to drugs. I too thought about suicide and I too could not do something that would cause my daughter more grief than she was already experiencing. One thing that I discovered is that I did not have a wish to die...just a wish not to live. Some people may see no difference between the two but let me assure you...there is a difference.
My son has been gone for 5 years and I still struggle with my emotions and maybe always will. I think what I want is to get to the acceptance. I know the loss will never go away and I'm not sure that I want it to. It seems to me that if you get "over" your loss you forget the one you lost. Does that make sense? Your grief is so new and I know how you are feeling. I hesitate to even say this to you but time does make it better. Hard to believe I know. I know that right now you feel that if the world just stopped right now it would be perfectly okay with you. I don't have any answers and am still struggling with Ryans death. We have much in common, more than we would like. Just know that you are in someones mind, someone who understands and is thinking of you and praying for you.
I am new to this website but wish I had found it back then. My love and prayers go out to you and your family...Connie

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on December 18, 2009 at 2:50pm

Stepping Stones
Come...take my hand the road is long
We must travel by stepping stones...
No...you're not alone...I'll go with you
I know the road well...I've been there
Don't fear the darkness...I'll be with you
We must take one step at a time
But remember...we may have to stop awhile
It is a long way to the other side
And there are many obstacles you must face

We have many stones to cross...some are bigger than others
Shock...denial...pain and anger to start
Then comes guilt...despair and loneliness
It's a hard road to travel but it must be done
It's the only way to reach the other side
Come...slip your hand in mine

What? Oh yes...it's very strong
I've held so many hands like yours
Once...you see...I had to take someone's hand
In order to take the first step
Oops! You've stumbled...go ahead and cry
Don't be ashamed...it's ok...I understand
Let's wait here awhile and get ! your breath
When you're strger we'll go on...one step at a time
There's no need to hurry...we have time on our side

Hey...it's so nice to hear you laugh again
Yes..I agree...
The memories you shared with me are good
They will live in you for all of eternity
Look...we're halfway there now
I can see the other side...it's so warm and filled with laugher and sunshine
Oh...have you noticed we're nearing the last stone
And you're standing alone...
And look...your hand...you've let go of mine
We've finally reached the other side...

But wait...look back...someone is standing there

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on December 18, 2009 at 4:16pm

This was originally written as a Mothers Day piece but having re-read it today I thought that there are a few of us who are experiencing guilt over the deaths of our children - this is for you.


Shared Thoughts on
"Mother's Guilt"

The month of May has always been an ego booster for most of us mothers, as
we receive cards of praise and flattery from our children. But now, our child
has died, and we are walking around with a hole in our soul. Those same greeting
cards can cause us guilt by making us not feel worthy of the words.

We must always redefine our priorities, and make new standards for ourselves
after the death. One of those priorities is don't put off time spent together
and expressing our love, and with our hindsight of knowing the child's life was
cut short, we critique our motherhood as though we could have been superhuman.
We measure our mothering performance as though we could have given 100% of our
time to our precious child. We punish ourselves with guilt by remembering the
specifics of harsh words or deeds. Most often these are very normal things most
parents do and say. We know we can not change, or take back, any infliction we
place upon our child.

When we were entrusted with the gift of our children, we were not given
hindsight nor the ability to be perfect. We were expected to handle all the
other responsibilities placed upon us by other family members, and many mothers
dealt with jobs to provide financial support for the family. This means there
was not time, nor energy, to be the perfect parent. We were even expected to
make mistakes, but now guilt holds us responsible for all our parental
shortcomings. I have learned if we did what we thought was right at the time, or
the best we could, that was all we could do. It is unfair to measure our
performance as a parent with hindsight or superhuman powers that we did not
possess. I'm sure our children did not judge us nearly so harshly as we judge
ourselves. You may find it very helpful to tell your deceased child how you
feel, what you wish you could have done, and how much you love them. I,
personally, feel they are in an all-knowing state, and can better understand our
expression of love. I'm sure a lot of our guilt would subside, if our children
could express their image of us as parents.

Love is the greatest gift we have ever given or received. Just the fact that
we hurt so badly, and our pain is so intense, tells us we have great love for
our children. The pain of losing our children can never stop totally, but we
can help to ease it to the point we can live with it. We would be very angry if
someone would judge us, as unfairly as we judge ourselves. We must first learn
to love ourselves again, so we can love others. We love our children, even with
their flaws. We must respect our children enough to know they love us, even when
we are not the perfect parent. Don't minimize their love by thinking they were
not capable of forgiving or understanding that we did our best, and that was
good enough.

Permalink Reply by Sandra K Wernecke on December 19, 2009 at 5:04pm

Hi Gail,
A friend of mine that just lost her Dad sent me a journal; a nice book of blank pages to write, and she said to put Kevin's names and dates on the first page, and a statement. Then on the second page put my thoughts on presenting this journal to Kevin. Then start writing in the journal daily.
I am doing that. I told my son that I don't know if there is a heaven or not, but I do think that somehow someway that he and I (our souls?) will be able to talk. I am 55 years old, so maybe 30 more years on earth, which is nothing in eternity, then I can talk to him, and I want to tell him that he lived in me all of my life, and I continued on and stayed sober. And I will tell him again how much I loved him and how much I missed him everyday of my life.

Sandy

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on December 20, 2009 at 6:59am

Sandy - what a wonderful friend you have indeed! That is a great idea and it somehow does help being able to write down your thoughts. A lot of people also have websites where they can share phtotos and memories - I have a couple for Meshael and they are such a great source of comfort. It's weird the simple things we take so much comfort in these days!!
My belief is that our Angels are ever present - so I talk out loud to my daughter on a daily basis and sometimes I'm surprised to actually get some confirmation that she is around and can hear me. I know everyone has their own coping mechanism but this somehow works for me. So my daughter is always only a whisper away - it makes it easier somehow. So you go ahead and tell Kevin all those things and more, tell him what's going on in your life, talk to him through your book. He will hear. Sending you massive hugs - this is such a hard time of year for all of us xxx

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on December 18, 2009 at 4:23pm

When we're grieving a loss, we often feel like giving up on everything. We're wiped out. Exhausted. We feel like we're empty and nothing at all can begin to fill us back up. It's all we can do to stare at the clock and make it through another hour.



During those first months following a loss, it's so important to take time to adjust to the new place where we've been forced to live. We're on new turf and nothing looks, feels, or smells familiar. And, it takes time to adjust. Time to get a feel for what life is like minus the one that we loved so much.



It's important to know that you're going to feel this way for a while. It's important to give yourself time to work through all of the different emotions of grieving.



It's even more important to recognize when it's time to let go a bit. At first that might sound harsh. But, in reality it's not. Letting go is a form of hope. Letting go says that I now understand what has happened, and it's time for me to find a new normal (the old normal is gone for good!). I'll never, ever forget the one I love so much, but I must begin to live again or I will stay stuck in a very dangerous place called denial. (I think it's worse to feel despair!)



It's so hard to break loose of those feelings of aloneness, guilt, fear, emptiness, and fatigue. It's hard to look for hope in a place where everything seems so dark and devoid of hope.



But we can, and we must. We don't have to look down the Long road of years without our loved one. All we have to focus on is today. Right now is what we have. And, with a bit of hope, you can take that one tiny step forward in this journey called grief.



Reach out. Touch a life with your smile. Fill your lungs with the fresh air and be thankful. Watch the glory

Of a new sunrise, and know that this day was made just for you!

Hope will carry you through! --Clara Hinton

Permalink Reply by paula ingalls on December 18, 2009 at 6:09pm

i lost my 29 yr old son sept 24. this has just destroyed me, i do nothing but hurt. how do you deal with this. the loss of a son, my friend, this is the worst noghtmare come true. paula

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on December 19, 2009 at 4:09am

Paula - I'm so sorry for your loss. The grief we have over our children is like no other kind of pain. In the grand scheme of things, losing our children is not an option - so when the unthinkable happens it just feels the whole world should end!
Grief is a long and very dark journey and has many corners and obstacles along the way.
We deal with it - together. No-one can understand the pain and emotions unless they have felt them. That is why we have groups like this, people who are all in the unenviable position of Bereaved parent. Please feel free to rant and rave here and open your heart to people who will not turn away or pretend not to hear.
Take care Gail

Permalink Reply by paula ingalls on December 19, 2009 at 6:02am

thank you gail for answering, i feel i may have found friends to talk to. even my husband is begining to seem distant to my sadness. paula

Permalink Reply by Gail Richardson on December 20, 2009 at 7:01am

Paul - men and women grieve very differrently - they tend to get on with it because they are supposed to be the strong ones. They are also feeling very weak because they can't make things better for you. They don't understand that our grief has to be played out in our own way and our own time. Carry on letting it out here, we understand and hopefully will help to make this journey less lonely. Massive hugs to you hun xxxx

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