Not a good day... :(

For the past couple weeks I have had a lack of outward emotion (I am a very emotional person)... I have barely cried and feel nothing.  I still always have the heavy feeling in my chest and think about him 24/7 but the crying is almost non existent.  I contributed this to the anti depressants but then today all I could do was cry... I miss him so much and I hate that my baby girl doesn't have her daddy anymore.  She is getting baptized tomorrow and I have to do it without him... I asked his sister and her husband to be godparents along with one of my sisters right after he was killed but contact with his family has been very minimal... Especially with his mom who told me that all I care about is the money and she doubts I will use any of it to take care of our daughter.. she also told me she wishes Chris had never met me because then he would still be alive.  That was nearly a month ago and I have no idea if she is going to show up tomorrow.  She refused to include one of our family pictures on his grave plaque saying we were only together a year and the plaque is forever... She can't accept that we had become Chris' life.  I just want him back.  If God is going to rip people apart and put people through this pain then he should give an explanation.

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Permalink Reply by A. Buyten on September 15, 2012 at 10:46pm

Hi, I can relate to your emotional sways. I attribute it to cycles in grieving (not very predictable). tomorrow i am having lunch with my babes son (18 yrs.). He is moving on with little support from the dad. Luckily i am doing better emotionally at this time and feeling ok (but it doesn't bother me if I cry in public).

Permalink Reply by Mel Pierce on September 18, 2012 at 11:39am

hi Kali, 

Maybe things are bit better for you today. I hope so. The things that Chris's mother said are well stunningly cruel, especially at this time so soon after his death. I don't hear in your post that it is God ripping people apart but that people are hurting one another. Mel Pierce

Permalink Reply by Kali Grainger on September 19, 2012 at 9:16pm

Today was better than I expected... the company brought the final incident report over last night and it was really hard to hear what all happened to him and all the things that could have prevented the accident... I keep trying to tell myself that this is what was meant to happen and that nothing could have prevented this but it's so hard. 

Permalink Reply by Mel Pierce on September 20, 2012 at 12:57pm

Gosh Kali, that sounds excruciatingly hard to go thru. I really don't know what else to say. Here is a hug. mfrancis

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