Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jessica Berninzon on May 21, 2012 at 3:38pm

I am so very sorry for your losses , i cant imagine losing two children i just cannot , and i will probably contemplate suicide only because it just feels like i don't want to live anymore but it will never ever be a option for me , i would never do that to my older girls my younger one or my grandchildren like you said my life is not priority but my children's are and i have the responsibility like it or not and i adore Sarah the 14 year old she is a wonderful daughter sister auntie to her niece nephews and no way i would leave her to fend for herself she needs me now more then ever  she is in a lot of pain we are there for each other and i put on the brave face and smile in order to keep her in place where its not as bad as it can be some days ..im reading a lot , meditation , eating healthy best i can..thanks for your response take care of yourself so sorry for your losses....

Permalink Reply by Grace on July 31, 2012 at 10:38am

Dear Pat... this has been a good place for me to vent... I know how you feel about wearing out friends and family... I think all of us have felt that way.   It has been more than 3 years since I lost my 14 year old son... who "Would Be 17" Now.  he had autism and a seizure disorder.. he died from a drug allergy at the hospital when he had gone for a seizure.  For the past couple weeks I have felt so sad or sick  I am not sure what it is.... today I feel like crying..... just thinking about him and my deceased dad...  and my first husband I lost in 1983 on August 1.   It is hard to lose them.... but each day we breathe in and out and count the days.... months... years... somedays it does get better... and somedays.... you have days like I am having today.... So Sorry for your loss....

I know the How? and Whys? are really torturous.... but it really doesn't matter in the long run... they are still gone and we will forever miss them.  And Kids are the hardest to lose... at least from what I have experienced.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 7, 2012 at 10:23pm

Greetings Pat, so sorry that you have involuntarily joined this sad club. My heart hurts with yours. I understand your pain all too well. My grief has not lessoned one bit and my 21 yr old was robbed of his life almost 3 yrs ago, October will be 3 yrs, I still can't believe that I am saying those words..."passed away". There is no pain greater than losing your child, no matter what their age or circumstance that led to them passing away or crossing over. I can't use the dreaded "d" word.....died, just sounds so harsh and final to me. If you read my profile and blogs, you will learn of my painful loss. The group 'Missing my or daughter' is very supportive on this site. So sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 11, 2012 at 12:23pm

Oh dear Robin, I am soooooo sorry to learn of yet another parent's nightmare. I relate to your pain. My tears are about to flow as I respond to your posting. I am still suffering from the loss of my 21yr old son. Two yrs and 10 months ago he was killed....still have a hard time saying that 'K' word, while riding his friend's motorcycle on a residential street. He sustained a massive brain injury and yes he was wearing a helmet but we don't know if it was fastened. To read my full story, you can look under my name but in the end, he was in ICU for 1 week, he had multiple strokes and brain hemorrhage. I had refused to beleive that he would not recover, inspite of me being a nurse and what his physicians told me. He was my baby for goodness sake, he had to survive. They starting telling me the same things they told you and I did not even want to listen. Around day 5, he started to deteriorate rapidly and in my irrational thoughts, I convinced myself that he needed a break from all the equipment that was attached or inserted in him, so I reluctantly, along with my daughter's encouragement, agreed to terminate his life support. In my heart I thought that he would still breathe on his own because in previous days he only needed assistance from the vent, he had been taking many breaths on his own. I rationalized that since I knew that he would survive and prove the medical team wrong, I would donate only 1 kidney because people survive with just 1 kidney. Now when I think back, it's like I was in a fog. I regret that I ended his life support and worse, donated a kidney! I am tormented from my guilt, I feel like I betrayed him, I feel like I helped end his life, I feel like he's so mad at me, like I didn't give him enough time to recover. The only reason I have not taken my own life yet, is because of my other children, I don't want to cause them any more pain. I will forever be broken, my grief has only intensified, time only reminds me that my son is not here. I encourage you to join the sub group on this site 'Missing my son or Daughter' if you haven't already and scroll through all of the postings and blogs.

Many big hugs to you....thanks for listening and I will view your son's video.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 12, 2012 at 12:43pm

Hey Robin, your words are my words. Sorry that some of your family/friends don't get it but I do. Most of my family/friends don't get it either. The ones that don't get it, have all of their children. I am sorry but your sister sounds nuts! Two & half months and you should be over it?!!!!!! She has no clue, maybe that's good for her, I envy everyone that does not know this pain. I hope she never has to bury her child. This is not something that you get 'over' with. My pain has only intensified. I will send you a poem that I gave copies to people that don't get "it" and I suggest you print it and give it to her.  I have posted it a few times on the 'missing my son or daughter' group. Did you check that one out yet? I am sorry that my thing was private, I don't even remember setting it that way, I'll have to change that. I did not receive your friend request, maybe I can send you one. 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 12, 2012 at 12:47pm

Hey Robin, you can also read my blog, " My son is so much more than a memory".

Lots of love and support.

Permalink Reply by Ann Edmondson on August 20, 2012 at 9:12pm

I am sorry to hear that you lost your son. Here on this forum there are no judgements about the way you feel. Each of us grieve in different manners. 2-1/2 months is nothing in time. My son was killed on 16 December 2006. You say now you will never have a grandchild. What about your daughter? Will she marry and possibly have children?

When you feel like screaming log in and we are hear to help. There are no right are wrong answers.

Please do not worry about feeling angry with God. He understands your anger. But you do have a husband and child that still need you very much. Maybe that is why you are still here, to help them. How is your daughter doing with the death of her brother?  When my son died, he had a sister he was very close to and she fell apart. She felt that in some way it was her fault he had died. It wasn't. I felt that it was my fault. I understand now that it wasn't.

I know the doctor's probably explained to you what was going on with your son and why he needed to be taken off life support. If you can, try to get a copy of the doctor's written report. It might help you understand. I am not saying you will be able to read it right now, but it will be there when you are ready. It took me three years to be able to read the report on my son. Once I did it made it a little better. Not much, but some.

What about your husband? How is he holding up in all of this mess? Yes, I say mess because that is the way we feel. We are in a mess when we lose a child. It may go on for years. Others may be OK in the beginning and then one day years later, something will happen and they will fall apart then.

You will never forget the pain. Some days now I still just break down and cry! There are days when I am angry that he is gone. Days when I beat my self up with the "what if's", then there are the days when I can smile at his memory. No one will ever "get it" until they walk in our shoes. This is one journey I pray that no one has to endure. But even God endured the same pain as us when He sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins. You stated that you asked God to let you die. You might find that Romans 8:28-39 is helpful. My pastor and friend gave me that scripture when my son was killed. It has helped sustain me all these years. Maybe it will help you too.

Letting your son go is the hardest thing you had to do! But if he was as bad as you say the doctors were reporting, then you did your son a favor. Why have him endure hours of pain on this side of glory, when he could be wrapped in the arms of our Lord.

Your sister does not understand what to say and is as misguided as her words are, she probably thought she was helping by saying some she felt would "snap you out of it" (I had one of family member tell me the same thing!) But she has no clue what is going on inside of you. And never will until she loses a child.

There will be peace someday, just not the same type of peace. As time goes on you learn to put more of the good memories in the hole in your heart and push out the bad ones. I hope this helps some. May God send you peace.

Permalink Reply by Theresa on October 7, 2012 at 6:57am

I am so sorry for your loss.  My daughter, Kristen, passed away this past Sept. 20 much the same way your son did. :(  She had lymphoma and a stem cell transplant in July.  About 4 weeks after the transplant she got a fever.  It rapidly progressed to pneumonia and ARDS and she was on the ventilator for 4 weeks...never getting better and w/ more and more complications arising.  They still haven't figured out what bacteria/fungus/virus caused all of this....a big mystery.  I have two younger children, a son 16 and a daughter who will be 9 on Monday.  Just taking it day by day.  Cancer is a horrible thing for any family to endure.  Hugs and Love!

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 14, 2012 at 4:57pm

Vicki.... there are no words.... sooo sad you have had to lose 2 sons.   4 years.... still not enough time to ever "Get Over It"....   these are our kids and they should never go before us. 

Permalink Reply by Shirley yax on September 19, 2012 at 1:14pm

losing my son Jordan is a nightmare i never seem to wake up from. his brother Dalton found him .. now i cant seem to let go of Dalton. my boyfriend said he has a job and needs to find a place but im afraid as long as he is here i can protect him. i know its irrational. he needs to move on

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 19, 2012 at 1:44pm

I hear you Shirley.... I feel like I can protect them if they are all home.....   When my son moved out I thought My husband and I were gonna divorce... and I blamed him.   We still are not in a good place in our marriage.... and I still worry about the son even though he has come back home...  I don't want to cling to them... I know they need to get a life of thier own.... But boy This really goes beyond EMPTY NEST.   It is fear that something will happen to them.... and I can not CONTROL anything.... Like I could not control the death of my son... he was in the ER and just Lost and I could not SAVE him.... we all have the "IF ONLY" OR "I WISH I WOULD HAVE"  COULD HAVE SHOULD HAVE....  as if we could change it if ONLY....

Permalink Reply by Michele Hayes on November 1, 2012 at 7:27am

My daughter, Ivy, passed away just over a year ago. She would have been 5 tomorrow. She died very suddenly. One night she started complaining of a pain in her side. I thought maybe one of her sisters kicked her, so I just kept an eye on her. That night she developed a high fever. So my husband took her to the ER the next morning. He brought her back saying it was just a UTI. When I went to give her her second dose of antibiotics, I thought she was just sleeping and I turned her over and she was blue and not breathing. I called 911 and gave her CPR. She had gone into septic shock and her organs were shutting down. The next morning we took her off life support.

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