I miss my dad

Hi, I just lost my dad 3 weeks ago unexpectedly...

I was having such a great day at work. I actually remember thinking to myself at work ...wow..I`m in such a great mood.

I went to the upstairs cafeteria with a coworker and as I was coming back down to my desk another coworker said, "Hey, I know your ringtone...its the music from Casper"...I was like, "Oh, my phone rang while I was gone?" and she said "Yeah, a couple times"....I look at my phone and saw that it was my mom calling. She never calls my cell phone during the day...we usually converse over work email all day. I immediately had the pit in my stomach.

I saw 5+ missed calls. I called her right back. She answered crying, "Honey, you need to come home, daddy had a heart attack"....I dropped everything...I was shaking so bad I could barely think. I went into the meeting my boss was having and told her I had to go. She wanted to drive me but I just rushed out of the building. As I got outside the building, tears and all, I thought to myself..."What? whats going on here...where am I going...What hospital am I going to drive to?"

I called my mom back and I asked her, "Mom, where am I going??! What hospital is dad at?" and there was a long pause as I hear my mom force out the words, "No, honey, daddy`s gone. Hes dead"

The walk to my car was the longest walk I have ever taken. The drive to my parents house was the longest drive I have ever taken. I`m sure the people downtown thought I was a crazy person. I was in shock. I didn't believe what she told me. I had just seen my dad the day before last....how could this be? The whole way home I kept repeating.. THIS IS NOT REAL. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. MY DAD IS OK...I CAN FIX THIS.

I finally got to my parents house and as I drove up there were two cop cars out front. My dad was still in the house. What happened was, my dad usually calls my mom at work around 9ish to kind of check in and see how her day is going. (This is a Monday) ...Well, my mom didn't get my dad`s call so she called him. No answer. Thought to herself.."well, maybe hes out for a drive or in the shower"...she tried calling around 10..no answer...so she repeatedly called the house phone and his cell phone...no answer...She raced home...went in the house...looked in the bedroom to see he wasn't in there and thought for a moment., "ok, he just left his phone at home...he must be out"....then she saw the bathroom door slightly open with the light on....He was still in a standing position and rigomortis had set in.

My mom found him at home dead. The coroner said he had a massive heart attack and went quickly.

I cannot believe my dad is gone. I`m only 26 years old and am getting married in 2 MONTHS. The pain is unbelievable. I think about him ALL the time. Every minute of every hour. I get this pit in my stomach...and the anxiousness isn't going away. Its like that feeling you get before a big interview or speech...I have that constantly. I feel so horrible for my mom. I hate seeing her cry and upset.

His death makes me question a lot of things about life. I never really was religious in any way...but I always thought people died to be put in a better place...to end their suffering and pain....but my dad loved his life. He loved us so much...I cant imagine him being in a better place than with us here....

I cant picture my life without my dad. In the last couple years we became pretty close. I always made sure to kiss him on the cheek and give him a hug everytime I would leave their home. I moved closer to my parents because I loved them so much and loved being around them.

I dont know what to do at this point. Reality is starting to hit now and its raining hard.

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Permalink Reply by Sharon Pugh on May 18, 2012 at 6:05pm

omigod I feel exactly the same. In a weirdly similar comparison to you. My dad died a month ago. I was in work that day too and I also felt that really positive feeling of life going well etc. I felt really happy. Then I walked home from work and walked into the house and he had passed away in his arm chair. That was also a heart attack. Its only really hitting me hard now. My mum lives just under 2 hours away, they were divorced but still got on well. So I live here alone now and I am reminded of him every second. I feel so so low and life just seems quite pointless now. I miss him so much :(

 

My dad had his ailments but he never wanted to go, he loved life and only the night before he had been saying how he hoped we had a lot more time together. It was a complete shock to find him dead the next day, I feel so heart broken. I have family and friends but nothing seems to help really and no1 compares to being with dad. I just have no idea how life will go on xx

Permalink Reply by Tina W on May 21, 2012 at 9:52am

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. I know exactly how you feel. I am 25 years old and January 28th my dad also had a massive heart attack, he was only 47. Then a little over 2 months later my sister found my mom dead in her bed, she was only 44 and dont know exactly what she died from we find out results in a couple weeks. It's like this massive pain in your heart that wont go away, the always crying, asking why. I know how you feel and to be young to lose your parents is the hardest thing ever. Like you I also question a lot of things in life as well. Both my parents being taken away from me put all my religous views are out the door. I feel like everyone around me is going to die. Im not the best on giving advice but the only thing I can say is hold on to your mother. You will never get over the death of your dad and it may take a long time for it to get a tad bit easier but the only thing we dont have in common in our situations is that you still have your mom, I dont. I tell everyone I know not to take for granit the time you spend with the ones you love because both of mine got ripped away. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever need someone to talk to im here.

Permalink Reply by Ariel Van Kirk on August 1, 2012 at 12:11am

Tina, I know exactly how you feel in regards to thinking everyone around you is going to die.  I am more sorry than I can express that you lost both your parents so young and so close together.  I am so afraid of that happening since my mom died.  

Permalink Reply by Liz on May 21, 2012 at 1:38pm

Sharon- I`m so sorry. Words cannot express how sorry I am. I know exactly how you feel. Its so weird how we were both in an abnormally good mood the day our dads passed. Must be some kind of sign ...or something...who knows now a days. ...sending positive vibes your way.

Tina- I couldn't imagine losing both parents in a short time period. I am sincerely sorry. You have to stay strong. Its not fair...no matter how much people tell you "it will get easier with time" or... "hang in there"....no one truly understand UNLESS they have experienced this....and the people around you who take their parents for granted, and then this happens... and its like.. why me? I`m here for ya if you ever need to talk..vent..whatever. Sending positive vibes your way.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Pugh on May 21, 2012 at 4:31pm

yeah it was very strange.

 

Losing both parents, thats just horrible and I can't imagine how you must feel tina. Life can be so so cruel :(

 

It doesn't get easier with time at all does it, thats a load of nonsense from what i've seen so far. I guess life just takes over and the only thing that changes is that life just goes on and you don't have as much time to think about it anymore. I miss my dad so much it hurts so bad. I lived with dad, mum lives away so now I live alone and I cant describe how much I miss him. I feel quite lost. I just still can't believe he has gone forever. I dont get how I'll ever come to terms with it :( He was my best friend, how can it be true that i will never see him again??!! It scares me :( xx

 

I have lots of support around me from mum, bf and friends etc but nothing compares to dad. he was the one I always told everything to, I spent every evening chatting with him. He was such an amazing dad, the best xx

Permalink Reply by Molly D on May 28, 2012 at 9:36pm

I know what you mean about reality hitting.  You think, God, that sucked that he died.  But when is he going to be back?  I'm ready to be done grieving and I want my dad back.  Enough with the heartbreak.

But he doesn't come back.  What are we supposed to do with that?  Sorry I don't have any answers for you.

Permalink Reply by Sharon Pugh on May 29, 2012 at 2:27am

I know Molly. I know its pointless but I long for him to come back. It still doesn't seem real that he is never coming back. I miss him so much :(

 

I just have a hopeless feeling of not knowing what to do and nothing that actually there's nothing I can do :(

Permalink Reply by Ariel Van Kirk on August 1, 2012 at 12:07am

Reading this broke my heart.  The day my mo died I was out with friends talking about how happy I finally was with my life, and all these hopes and dreams I was having.  It was a really really great day.  I came home and was up late watching tv, and then my dad called and I had blown him off earlier in the day, so I was like you know its kind of late dad, and he just said "Ariel, mommy just passed"  I'll never forget hearing those words.  I hear them over and over again every day.  It happened very sudden;y, my mom hadnt been well, but we never imagined she would die, We still don't have a cause of death.  

Losing my mother was the worst thing that ever happened to me, but to be honest, I think losing my father would have been worse.  Especially 2 months before getting married.  I hope your wedding turned out well despite his absence, and I hope that you are doing well too. 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on August 1, 2012 at 4:13pm

i no how u feal the hurt u feal wen we got called out we had to the id the body  i felt so hurt numb i still feal the same now and thats bean march this yer the last words i said to my dad on that horbel ward woz sea u tomroeo dad and the lazy nurses gosping doing nothing and leting all the forin nurses doing all the dirty work he had beter care in the funnrall home beter respect and so did we

Permalink Reply by Sharon Pugh on August 2, 2012 at 9:09am

Aw jb thats horrible. But the only consolation there is that that horrible farewell to your dad wasn't really your last words to him because he wasn't there. The last thing I said to my dad was 'goodnight' the night before and gave him a hug before he went to bed. When I found him, I said goodbye and held him but I knew he wasn't there, just like your dad wasn't there in that awful ward in the hospital. I know that must have been really horrible and I'm so sorry but try not to remember your dad in that way. I keep thinking of dad smiling and singing his daft songs when he was cooking in the kitchen. Even happy memories still hurt like hell right now and I don't know if that will ever change but I'm just glad I had such a fab dad. I miss him like crazy :( I still cant get my head around it that he isn't coming back. How can he not ever come back :( Its just a horrible messy time. Nothing fels the same anymore does it :(

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on August 2, 2012 at 3:21pm

i try to do the same rember his funny jokes i even wite him letters on ballons let them out of my hand in the semetery and evry 1 has popet so far

Permalink Reply by Sharon Pugh on August 3, 2012 at 9:37am

things like that are all we can do I guess :( Having a really tough week this week. Am so weepy and missing him so much. I feel so low right now. Life just isn't the same without my buddy :(

 

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