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Why? - So much pain
Why?
That is the question. As a father I could not ever see or imagine why anyone would want to end their own life. It always seemed we have all too much to live for.
After losing my dad to a self-inflicted bullet to the forehead, things have changed so much.
Apart from the initial tremendous shock I was surprisingly OK with the whole thing throughout the incident, including the funeral and stereotypical grieving process like what you see on TV.
It was more upsetting to see the sadness on my daughters’ faces, as well as the sorrow and confusion from his brothers and sisters (12 of em).
I was, after all, the eldest in the family and expected to be strong I guess. The seemingly comfort-seeking, mixed-with-sympathy-treatment I got from the extended family at the wake only reinforced this.
Dad was separated and living alone.
He had some friends, a few brothers and his children/grandchildren that he loved and loved him so much,. He lived alone mostly though.
My younger brother and I organised all the estate admin and funeral and gave him a good send off.
This was of course all about the family and only the living. Dad was of course beyond caring.
In my military service I had heard of and witnessed PTSD. Heard friends of mine explain how the effects can delay, sometimes by a year or more. I have even thought about some of the stuff I have seen over the years and perhaps that contributes. I don’t know.
I know now that the massive shock I suffered in 2007 has caused me a tremendous amount of damage. Even the really bad stuff I have seen and done during my life was no match.
It took a year after the event but the meltdown couldn’t have come at a worse time. Whilst away on a family holiday to Europe (I really wanted to take dad there for a family reunion) I somehow ended up in the free booze area of the airport lounge and “hooked in”.
What followed was an inexcusable and embarrassing incident that resulted in all of us removed for the flight, my family being placed in a motel, and me spending the night in jail banned from flying.
This may sound like I am playing the blame game but I’m not. Never been one to shirk responsibility for my screwups. Suicide destroys so much. Damn I hope my kids never have to live through this.
Now I still feel bad after all this time for both the actual death and my totally shite behaviour and arrest that was witnessed by the kids. Judge me all you wish. I still feel disgust when I think of some of the things I have done. I still feel despair/desperate at times.
Venting this and telling others helps, however I can’t seem to move forward.
I still see him sometimes. It happpens randomly, triggered by associated memories.
Some are happy visions, some of him during the viewing, with the poorly-disguised bullet hole in his forehead.
They never look the same when they are dead.
Dad – WHY?
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by David A on
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Mark,
After my wife committed suicide I too wanted answers, answers that will never come because she took them to the grave with her. But I have found a great website that explains grieving and understanding suicide. I was surprised and pleased with their explanation of why people commit suicide and I hope it helps you. http://www.hns.org/Bertolon_Center_for_Grief_Healing/The_Grieving_P...
I too was was surprised how my loved one looked in her casket because it didn't look anything like her in real life. But now I just remember her through pictures and try to remember all the good times we had. Healing takes time and there is no time line for grieving either. A few weeks ago I'd tell you the pain would never go away but it does get better. Sadness is my biggest foe now but I deal with it the best I can.
Take care.
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Permalink Reply by Mark McAuliffe on
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It's never something you "get over" as some like to say.
You learn to live with it, or you die with it.
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afternoon Mark,
We too were left with many questions after my father took his own life 5 years ago today. He was active duty Army - a chaplain who was in the process of helping create the suicide prevention guidelines for the Army. Which in a way caused more questions then ever once we were told that.
Was your father even in the military? if so I suggest you check out T*A*P*S TAPS is a non-profit, private foundation that helps those of us who are left behind (not just from suicide cases but all deaths) They have a ton of resources, have regional and "death specific" events. wonderful programs for children. More importantly it's for the entire family of those who have passed on, no matter what the relationship is (child, parent, nieces, cousins etc).
May I ask how old your children were at the time of death and are now? I have a lot of resources that are available to everyone (military or not) due to working as a Peer Mentor with TAPS. A good book for the 16 yrs and under age is "But I didn't get to say good-bye" There is a more simple version for those under the age of 10. Another good resource is "When broken hearts choose to stop beating" - it is geared more towards mature young adults and adults.
I have experienced many deaths of loved ones since 2001 - there is one thing I learned that I want to pass on to you. It took me forever to learn this, because I am so much like my father. I always want to be the strong one, the one that makes sure everyone else is ok. Which is fine to a point... But you must take care of yourself in order to help other people. You must be able to grieve (in your own way) in order to help others do the same. For years I thought that I didn't need to really grieve, everyone else was doing it for me. I needed to make sure everyone else kept going..... I was wrong and pretty soon the rock I had become for my family and friends crumbled in the worst way.
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