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Permalink Reply by Amanda Ab on March 12, 2012 at 12:29pm

Liz Ann,

I completely understand how you feel about loosing someone so special. Loosing that special person, who somehow just made things better and made you feel secured protected. no matter how hard of a heck of a day, you had, he was there to give you a hug, a shoulder to lean on for support, a kiss, and I love you.. That was just more than enough to pull you through the greates obstacles in life. When i lost my dad, my husband was there to do just that, and he somehow made things feel ok.  He gave me support I needed to get up and continue living. Now that he is gone, i no longer have that.

You are really new to this pain. it only just happened. At the beginning there is just a shock in you that you cant understand what the heck is going on.. I cannot tell you it gets better with time, but you just move around grief stages, but for myself, the pain is still here. It will be 1 year next month, of my husband's passing, and I cannot say I am ok. I have moved around from shock to denial to anger to shock again etc.. and then towards reality, which just kicks in like a huge punch in the stomach..

Sorry, if am not much of help. But i can tell you that I surely understand you and I am here for you to listen...

Prayers to you,

Amanda

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Permalink Reply by Liz Ann on March 12, 2012 at 7:59pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband! It's such a new different type of grief. My guilt is magnified 100 fold, all the times I took him for granted sit at the front of my mind. But then I try to remember the times he smiled at me, and the times he took care of me, in my neurotic glory.
I just want to throw my arms around him one more time and thank him for everything. My heart physically hurts from this need.

It helps to know I'm not alone. It's hard to tell people who haven't gone through it. They think you're suicidal or something.
I don't know if I am, yet. I know he'd be so sad if I did. I'm just at a loss.

Do you ever speak out loud to your husband? just say a few words to him?

I guess, I will just have to wait to see him again.

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Permalink Reply by Ashley Nicole on March 12, 2012 at 4:57pm

I've had alot of people tell me that it gets "easier", but in reality it really doesn't. You just adapt and learn to cope. Some days are harder than others. I cling to God in my time of need because I know my sister is there with him. It may seem impossible, but she sends signs that she's ok and that does help.

I am so sorry for you loss. If you need anyone to talk with, I'm only a message away!

xoxo- Ashley

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Permalink Reply by Liz Ann on March 12, 2012 at 8:07pm

I think it seems it just gets easier to hide from people.
I find relief in the thought that he is now free from the body which caused him so much pain. I can imagine his happiness at being able to run fast and breathe easy.

My dreams seem to be only trivial and superficial. Like my brain goes into idiot mode to protect itself. I want so bad just to see him, know he's ok. And actually tell him I love him and appreciate every single little thing he ever did.

I wish I got to say goodbye.

I'm so sorry about your sister! It must be so beautiful receiving signs from her :)

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Permalink Reply by Ashley Nicole on March 13, 2012 at 6:35am

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. My grief seems to be magnified by a million in comparison to other people I've lost. So, I can imagine how you must feel losing someone you love so much. My heart is broken for you, but keep a look out. He will send you signs, you just have to pay attention.

I was stark raving mad the first few months. I didn't eat for probably a week. I barely moved, just laid in her bedroom on the floor crying. I was so lost in depression that I was curious if I'd ever be able to pull myself out. I get constant reminders of how she died, now. Between waiting for her trial to start and all the little things that happens in between, I'm truely heart broken.
I've been in "idoit mode" for a while. I'm guessing it comes with the territory of losing someone so close to you. I journal alot now. It's the only way to clear some thoughts and feel better. Otherwise, I can't sleep and I start slipping back into tears and my thoughts come out as mush when I'm talking to someone. Maybe give it a go. Plus, it's just me there. I don't have to worry about explaining why even after 8 months, I don't feel much better about this whole situation. Maybe it's because I never got to say goodbye either? Honestly, I don't think so. I know me, had I been given the oppritunity, I'd have tried to stop the act from ever happening.

Try to remember that what doesn't kill you, will make you stronger. It just takes some time.

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Permalink Reply by Liz Ann on March 13, 2012 at 6:53am

I have had one sign, I believe. The day he died, I was in the kitchen and a kookaburra landed outside, His scruffy orange colour reminded me of James immediately. There was no "oh it looks the same as James" it was an immediate "James" thought.
It was only later I remembered, he wanted to fly after his operation. Because of his condition, he couldn't fly and one of the things he wanted to do was take me flying to Italy. It only struck me then, a bird! He is flying, like he always wanted! It brought a smile to my face, when it finally clicked. I''ve been so foggy it didn't hit me til today.
I will try to journal. I never know what to do/write. But I can't talk to people, I end up repeating myself and I feel selfiish and over dramatic. I can't talk to his family, I don't want to make it like I was most important. i know how much he loved his ma, his brother and sister. He was just a loving loving person.

I pray for more signs. I miss his hugs, he gave the best best hugs.

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Permalink Reply by Ashley Nicole on March 13, 2012 at 5:02pm

Amber's sign is a rainbow. The first one was the day before she was found by Equusearch. Her mom was at Walmart crying for a sign that she was ok and a rainbow randomly came down from the sky. It wasn't curved like a normal one, but straight up and down. At the time, I didn't think anything of it, but when I was on the plane to Texas, I was kind of zoned out staring out the window. I heard the pilot say that we would be landing soon and then I noticed a rainbow myself. Two actually. The first was almost transparent and the second was normal colored, but they were both tiny and fully above the clouds. I turned my head, told the girl next to me and then we took turns taking pictures. When I got home, I went through all the pictures I had taken; no rainbow.  Her favorite song was "If I die young" oddly enough. I road with my Dad and Stepmom during her last ride. Dad was a little upset and I think the silence was getting to him. So, he turned on the radio and the first note hit at the exact time he turned it up. We all just smiled and Dad goes "Alright, Amber, I got you." Maybe those are concidences to others, but I feel like she's around. I've seen her in two dreams too. Vivid dreams.

 

When I first stared, I was so full of emotion that I didn't know where to begin. Some entries I've directed to Amber. Some to God. Some to that random person you pretend to journal to. The point is to get it out so that it's not such a heavy burden on you. I know exactly how you feel about talking to people. I don't usually. I feel like I'm bothering them or that they don't understand or what have you. This way, I know I don't have to worry about that. I hope it helps, hon.

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Permalink Reply by Liz Ann on March 14, 2012 at 9:25am

Wow, those are amazing signs! They must have brought a smile to your face :) I saw a rainbow cloud today, and it made me think of your story.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it! I will try to journal tomorrow. I have a lot of stuff inside, it seems to just refill after I've emptied my heart to someone.

One thing this has made me realise is that also some people just don't care. I've had responses from two people which just blew me away with how insensitive they were.
People just expect I move on immediately, I guess it's a life lesson...learn who you can keep close and who you should keep outside

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Permalink Reply by Ashley Nicole on March 14, 2012 at 10:49am

They do bring a smile. I can't help but smile when I feel her... if that makes sense. It's almost like I know what she felt like spirtually and now at times I can feel that. Obviously not her physically, but I can feel HER or smell HER and I'll cry a little or sometimes just talk to her. I know that makes me sound so insane, but oh well. You win some, you lose some. :)

I don't know if it's that people don't care or they just don't understand, but I get what you are saying.

My sister and I were raised together until I was roughly about 10. After that, her mom moved her out of state and I stayed with my Grandma. I seen her randomly, but it ruined what relationship we had. When I was about 16, she moved back to Georgia with us. We spent alot of time together until I was about 19 and then she moved back with her mom. We've spent the last few years talking on the phone. Alot of people think I shouldn't hurt this badly considering we "didn't know each other", but it does hurt and there isn't a thing I can do to change that. "Our" brother feels like his feelings are the only ones that matter because HE was raised with her. Her mom acknowleges me and understands my pain, but she doesn't feel like my Dad should hurt the way he does. She says horrible things to him. So much so that he's had to change his phone number. Trust me. I know how insensitive people can be. It's ashame really. Life lesson, indeed.

I get what you are saying about people not knowing, they could assume that you're doing it for attention. I don't think everyone would, though. I'm sure at least someone knew how you felt. When you are in love, it's more than just mental, your actions would show it. For all you know, he may have told a family member how he felt. Be there to support them and in return they'll support you. :)

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Permalink Reply by Liz Ann on March 14, 2012 at 9:38am

I also feel like, since no one knew how much I cared and loved him, I feel like I can't just let it all out. I have to mute myself. I want to scream and smash things, but people will just think I'm losing it. Being inappropriate. Feel like I can't let these feelings happen because I don't want people to feel like I'm pretending or acting out. It's torture

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