Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kar on December 8, 2011 at 1:00pm

WOW ----

       If they have the nerve to say anything else--- maybe you should just look them straight in the eye & say  REALLY ????    Ever heard of empathy - be glad you don't understand. 

Permalink Reply by Robin Jone on December 8, 2011 at 7:01pm

Lisa, I can't believe your boss said that to you, he obviously has never suffered a significant loss. We still haven't put up any decorations at our house yet. I know we will sooner or later, my daughters would understand, but I know my 5 year old granddaughter would be disappointed.Karen, I think reindeer shit would be appropriate,  haha!

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on December 9, 2011 at 8:36pm

Not sure if I have said this here before, but one of the big stupid ones for me has been when a supposedly good friend kept telling me that we create our own illness (my son died from cancer).  The positive thinking crap really got to me; my son was one of the most positive people I have ever known when he went through cancer, and he still died.  It made our days better, which is a good thing, but it does not cure cancer.  Another one for me is "did he smoke?" because my son had lung cancer.  How insensitive is that?  How about, "I'm sorry for your loss."  That would suffice.  People don't realize that if you have a lung you can get lung cancer.  Karen, the "it was his time," is right up where with "he's in a better place," and "your son wouldn't want you to feel this sad."  HELLO people, if we could help this don't you think we would?  And I hope he's in a better place, but honestly, he loved being alive and living life here.  So that's not helpful.  Yes, God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  BS. Guess what?  God did give me more than I can handle with this one.  I'm sure we could all go on and on.  People are usually well-intended, but in this day you would think there would be better info for how to deal with people who are grieving.  

Permalink Reply by Robin Jone on December 10, 2011 at 9:34am

Lorraine, I am with you on how insensitive peoples comments can be. That is incredible that your good friend thinks that somehow your son created his own illness,what a good friend. Why can't people learn to just say, I am so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you at this time to help. Or if you don't know what to say, just give us a hug. It really got to me when a friend said to me, I guess God needed him more. What? I don't think so, I needed my son for many more years thank you. Oh and I agree totally on God doesn't give us more than we can handle, WRONG! Can't handle this one. It really upsets me though, all my daughters' friends who  have not been there for them. That makes me hurt for them even more. If you don't know what to say, or it makes you uncomfortable, at least send a card. Not a facebook message or a text message okay.

Permalink Reply by Holly Jean Comstock on December 12, 2011 at 5:25pm

Thanks so much for providing a safe place to vent. I feel so alone because of my daughter passing, in a close knit community of thousands, I have isolated from all my friends and avoided all contacts that intensify my grief pain. No energy or assertiveness to express to the ""Helpers"" that DO NOT GET IT!" that all their ideas suggestions and gifts do not get me over the passing of my Daughter Heather in the horrific sudden death accident. I basically have chosen to become alone and walk the path of healing on my own to avoid burdening others and having them ask me questions like Well! are you angry at me? like their coffee invites I turned down is any indication to what is crippling every minute of the day. After Haether passed on a daily event i had incoming e-mails almost 40 per day every one was apparently shall I say curious at first. I even accepted invites to the following year graduation and open houses this literally was excruciating to watch other mom's Daughters graduate but even though I was happy for them it was horrid to relive the events that a year prior my Daughter was experiencing prior the accident NOW i do things on MY TERMS because I CAN! and when before i accepted these invitations i did think I wanted to at first but as of today it prolonged my grief and healing over and over now I have complicated grief and beat my self up for just simply needing to heal the way I need to Every person in this community wanted to help wanted to make me better the sheer fact that if i was better then they would not feel uncomfortable and they were superior and a stallion to getting me over this oh my heavens So many expectations in this world its such a personal parent prison to find peace and keep the blessing forthright in the day I miss my daughter more than any one knows I can not take care and nurture others at the moment.my Mother is dying in a care center of Alzhiemers. My family is in colorado and my husband travels a lot i have carried on with grieving on my own and its been the worst experience in my life to have my daughter die and her boyfriend and best friend in the same car accident. in addition to my next door neighbor a really good friend also suddenly died at age 22. thanks for listening

Permalink Reply by Stephanie on January 18, 2012 at 3:40pm

what on earth do you think people mean by: 'losing a child is a terrible thing - you never really get over it."

what is "get over it"?  do they mean you'll die of a broken heart?  or you'll stagnate into a useless human being?  or you'll be said forever? you'll always remember?  the memories will fade?  the pain will subside and change, but never go away?

 

WHAT DO THESE PEOPLE MEAN?!  BECAUSE WHENEVER I HEAR IT, IT SOUNDS SO STUPID, SO BELITTLING, SO WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING!

anyone know what im trying to say?

 

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on January 19, 2012 at 8:00pm

Stephanie, I guess I am one of those people; I do say that you never get over it, because some people seem to think that we will.  I believe that grief changes, and probably some people die of broken hearts.  I think if I could die of a broken heart I would have because I am so sad.  The first time I laughed after my son passed on, I mean really laughed, was over a year after his death.  Maybe closer to two, I'm not sure.  But I remember how foreign my own voice sounded.  How strange is that?  

Permalink Reply by Mark on March 12, 2012 at 4:21am

Thank you thank you thank you for this thread.  It's the reason I've found this website tonight.   Most of the things people have been saying to me after my mother died have been so absolutely stupid and some times cruel I'm at that breaking point where I'm about ready to tell them off.

This Wed ( the 14th ) it will be exactly 90 days since I've lost my mom.  I now know what the word unbearable truly means.   My journey is very different then most walking this earth.  I was a miracle baby to a severly handicapped amazing woman.  My entire life ( 45 years )  I was her arms that didn't work and her legs that couldn't stand.  My father abandoned us when I was very young.   I was her protector,  I was her care provider,  I was her voice to many people who automatically treated her as if she was mentally retarded simply because of her physical appearance.  I did the house work, cooked, cleaned and took care of myself.  I don't know what it's like to be selfish.   She was my confidant.  My touchstone.  She lived through me daily and I gladly allowed it.   She never hired any additional help.  I did it all.   I don't know what it's like to not look over my shoulder just to make sure if she's ok.  I've never used an upper cupboard my entire life because since she was wheelchair bound every thing was put in the lower cupboards.  I don't know what it's like to not have a home with a ramp to the front door.  I'm absolutely blown away and shocked  at how cruel life can be after all the years of physically suffering and suddenly this precious little woman would get one final blow and be diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.   It has been gutwrenching.  I stayed by her side 24/7  to her last breath.  I don't think I slept at all for those last 9 months.  I took quick little naps.  For the first time in my life I couldn't fix her.  I couldn't make it better.  It was gruesome to watch.  As her son I saw and did things for my mother that perhaps a son shouldn't see and do but I did them.  I don't feel any stronger for having done them I simply did them and begged God over and over to give that disease to me so she would not have to suffer like this.  No dignity was allowed.  It's almost has if all of lifes challenges prior were lessons for those 9 last months.  The final exam on how to deal with the unimaginable.  I had many goals and I met them all.  As pain free as possible I accomplished utilizing the meds and supervision of once a week visits from hospice.  To her last breath no bedsores.  A life time of dealing with that challenge gave me the advantage over that and in the end the pro's were amazed.  Not even one small red area was found.  I simply took every last thing I'd learned my entire life and poured it out in buckets to give her comfort in the end.  

 

I'm now left with a lot of anger and hurt and that huge question... WHY?  Why her?   I won't at this point go into a lot of detail over those last 9 months because they were a complete nightmare.  We were tested and tested my entire life but nothing prepared us for the dispair and agony we would be dealt in the end.   We didn't just deal with her death.  I lost every thing and I mean every thing all at once.  It was mind blowing how much additional garbage took place.  It was puzzling.  I've seen people lose it mentally and emotionally over the smallest things.  I can't think of one person I know that could have dealt with all we dealt with.  As I said at this point I won't go into details.    This is where the whole, " stupid things people say" comes into play.

 

The morning my mother passed I realized I'd run out of toliet paper.  I had ushered out the audience that had stopped by to see my grief and remind me she was in a better place and now I could get on with my life ( I'll touch on that one again in a bit ) so I headed for the store.  I was in such complete shock that it had finally happened my mind was all over the place.   I didn't realize til I got out of my truck where I'd parked.  The handicapped zone.  My entire life when mom was with me I'd always parked in that zone.   I'd even grabbed the little plaquered and hooked it on the mirror but couldn't remember doing it.   Well, that part of my life was now over so I got back in my truck, removed the placqurered and backed out and found a parking space for "the normal healthy people" .  Then I realized.. Oh crap I know the workers here and I'm going to run into people who know me and I'm not ready to say that she's gone just yet.  So my idea was to literally bolt in the store, speed walk to the toliet paper, grab it, speed walk back to the register, pay and go.  All went well with my head down and sunglasses on until I get to the register.  Sure enough the clerk says.. Hows your mom doing?  What could I say?  So I said very quietly.. She passed away early this morning and he says... " Oh to bad she couldn't wait til after Christmas"  I'm not kidding you.  I pulled my sunglasses off and looked him square in the eyes and said... "come again?"  He lowered his head and said, I'm sorry for your loss.  I just stood there glaring at him.  I was completely puzzled at what he had said.  Do people even think as slop is falling out their mouth when it comes to saying something to the grieving?  Do we need to first experience an unbearable loss to not fully grasp what would be the right thing to say vs the wrong thing?

 

How about these?  Your mother had one of the most prettiest faces.   In fact she was facially beautiful.  She could have been a model.   Maybe the reason God allowed her to be handicaped is because he knew if she was completely healthy she wouldn't have served him.    What the eff?  is that idiot for real? 

 

The day of her funeral:  So what are your plans now?  You're going to have to make your mom real proud.  I had an answer for that which shocked the person.  I'm pretty sure my mother died with great pride for me and there is nothing more in life I need to accomplish to validate that pride.  That woman who said that to me and those around all stood in silence with one person saying ... Thats right honey  :)  I was most offended at the suggestion that on that day my mind would even be thinking about what comes next.  Not to mention how much it devalued all I'd been through my entire life for this one person whose life we were celebrating that day.  This woman made it sound as if I was now free to go party and enjoy life.  Some people have no clue. 

 

I absolutely loath this next one and I think anyone who says this to a grieving person should be forced to do community service for a year... "If there is anything you need let me know"   I'm not even sure I get this one at all and I don't consider it sincere at all.  Clearly they know your situation.  In my case there were several things going on that I could have used some help with. Was it expected of me to grovel?  Did I really need to ask even though they were aware of my needs?  Whatever happened to a person just doing something privately because they know they should?  I even had an idiot say to me... "I know you won't ever ask but if you need anything let me know"  Well there it is right there.  They say it knowing we won't ask so they can tell each other they offered some type of help. So really the statement is about that person not about the grieving.  By the way in my case they all knew I needed some help with certain things and because of that they all very quickly disappeared for fear I'd give them a call and ask for help.  It's been a cute little game.  I've seen a few around town and they are all very uncomfortable in my pressence.  They act as if they haven't seen me in a year and they never mention my mother they avoid it like the plague.  I get to talk about the freakn weather and am asked what my plans are for the future.  Oh and if I have a job  LOL.  What if I didn't have a job?  I don't see them pulling out their wallet while asking that question.  Why would going to school be in my thoughts?  I'm just barely making ends meet and I've got time for school?  Or again is this about them and the fact they never reached out to help and if I say I have a job and some hope like going to school it then sounds like life worked out grand for me.

 

Bottom line I miss my mother so much it's like someone took a butcher knife and shreaded my guts.  I cry all the time.  I fake it in public.  I'm sick of the stupid comments.  I've got no one in life left.  It's hard to look at the future right now with grand hope.  I can't make life magically delisciously turn into a pot of gold after all I've seen and been through.  I am exhausted.  Still in complete shock.

Permalink Reply by Mark on March 12, 2012 at 8:02am

A few others..

This was not about your mom.  She's in heaven.  This was Gods way of testing your faith. 

 

I swear the above was said to me and stuipidly I allowed it without saying a word.  I was so overcome with waves of emotions in regard to her loss when it was said it wasn't until later on after I'd digested  the stupid comment I realized how sick and twisted it was.  If it's true apparently God is one saddistic egomaniac that allowed my mother to be physically tortured so I'd have faith in him and worship him.  WOW.

 

You should come over to the house and we can play some cards.  I'll invite a bunch of people over.

 

3 days after my mother died.  Why in hell would I feel like playing cards with complete strangers?  Earlier in the day I'd been at the funeral home making arrangements for my moms funeral.   Are all people this stupid or was it just the people I called friends?

 

I know how you feel.  Trust me it will get better. 

 

Tell me a bit about your lifes journey with the loved one you've lost and then I'll know for sure if you really get the enormity of my loss.  As I said,  from the moment I could crawl I became my mothers arms. When I started walking I became her legs for 45 years.  I structured my complete life around her.  What I may have wanted for myself was a very distant thought.  Do you really know my loss?   I have no past life I can recall where she was not the focus of my day.   I feel completely displaced after watching for years the one person I loved with all my heart and soul be slowly savaged with one problem after another and the final culmination was equal to watching her being dragged behind a car mercilessly while I was thrust in a corner unable to stop the inevitable.  It was brutal and shocking.  While holding her in my arms I watched her in a final instant go.  Who and what she was immediately left that ravaged body.   That image haunts me.  In the end even after the hours of labored breathing the final moment was so abrupt.  She really was gone.  Just like that.  My god it really has happened after months and endless days and nights of fear over this moment it had arrived.  Just as quickly it turned into something similar to the final scene of an epic movie where the camera slowly pans out as you take it all in.  Hospital beds, bedpans, diapers, so many meds you could load the whole neighborhood up  and out of nowhere every thing I'd avoided as far as emotions in order to make it through each day of care for her came crashing down in buckets.   It was like the ceiling crashed in on me.  From there I had to regroup and move fwd.  Set up removal of the body.  Furneral arrangements.  Go through Christmas alone.  Get a job fast.  Go to the funeral.  Deal with complete nonsense from idiots.  Close out accounts.  Make sure the proper people were contacted to relegate her to nothing but a number.   And through it all I press on.  Only that ceiling with all those horrid emotions now comes out of nowhere.  Especially while driving and around 7 at night.  I die every day missing her and recounting all the horror and all the years of struggle.  It just all seems so wrong.   Now please tell me you truly do understand my loss.

 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on March 12, 2012 at 11:52pm

Dear sweet Mark,  I am so sorry for the lost of your mom, your best friend. I felt your pain as I read every word. This life can be sooooooo cruel and so unfair.  It all seems wrong because it is wrong. I have never heard of such a life as yours, not even in a movie. I can't even imagine the tribulations and struggles your mother went through. No one should ever complain or whine about anything. What a strong woman your mother was. I have not lost a parent but I did lose my 21yr old son due to a tragic accident/murder, so i do understand the magnitude of your pain and anger.  Me and my son were robbed of his life almost 2 1/2 yrs ago and trust me, my pain and anger has not decreased one bit! I will never accept it and it will never be "ok" with me. It helps to have others, unfortunately, understand and not judge or criticize your thoughts and feelings. We are on an emotional roller coaster ride. 

Always willing to listen and sending you many, many hugs.

Permalink Reply by Mark on March 13, 2012 at 6:47am

Karen, Thank you so much for your kind words.  I needed those words.  I am having one of those nights where you sleep 2 hours then wake up.  Stay up 30 minutes then sleep 2 more.  It's a yo yo night as I call them. 

 

I guess I should apologize for posting on a forum for those who have lost children but at the time I didn't notice that.   Maybe considering my situation I can claim to be an honorary parent?  My life story seems to even baffle the grief counselor I'm seeing.   He also said it would make a very interesting book or movie.  I don't know if I could open all those personal files in my soul although a self help book for the 7 year old looking for 10 ways to get a non ambulatory parent up a flight of stairs with no ramp in site and 30 people watching who don't offer any help might be on my short list of to do's in life  :)   I got so good at all that I could include the art of doing it all while maintaining the dignity and perfectly styled hair of said non ambulatory parent.  By the way laughter is a must.

 

I do know what it's like to be the protector and provider.  I did it my entire life.  Somewhere in there I also respected the fact that this precious little woman I was picked to look after was my mom.  She was the disciplinarian and a strict one she was LOL and the lessons she taught me in stregth of character and integrity live on and on.

 

Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your son.   I honestly didn't have a clue what the word unbearable truly meant until my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  My whole life there always seemed a way to work through the challenge.  In other words what might have seemed unbearable was in fact bearable.  Losing someone who is your extenision is without question unbearable.  I am simply  numb over every thing that has taken place.  I blocked so much of it out while going through it never thinking it would all come back in vivid recall.  March 20th will be exactly one year to the day our hell began.  The feeble house of cards called our life I worked like crazy to sustain for so long came crashing drown  I refuse to say goodbye to her.  I'll never say goodbye.  My best description of how I feel inside is bloated from my stomach to my throat and it just lays there and it's never going to come out.  I hope no one finds this offensive but I absolutely hate God for this and for the life filled full of challenges.   I can never forgive him for what he allowed.  I love her too much.  I'm human and when a human says enough is enough he needs to respect that.  I envy him.  Besides his complete control and all his powers when his son died there wasn't a moment he didn't get to see him.   He has no idea how horrific that type of loneliness is and to experience the reality that up until he dies which could be years and years he will never speak or hold that son again.  He simply is handed the task of enduring grotesgue emotional pain while living out the rest of his life.

So I know your pain of loss.  We have that commonality.  I swear to you from the depths of my soul if I could I'd bring back your son and take that pain away.  No one should be forced to feel this gruesome feeling.

 

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my long typed out post.  I really needed to vent.  I don't share any of my feelings nor cry in public.  I adopted this approach long ago as a child when things weren't always so rosey.  We performed for those in public to assure them we were as normal as they were.  Mom called it profoundly normal.  I still laugh when I think of her explaining that one to me.  She was quite a character :)  I will forever feel like I won the lottery the day I was picked to be her son.

 

Sending you mutual hugs times infinity!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on March 13, 2012 at 11:08pm

Hey Mark, you are sadly welcome......if that makes any sense. The best way to describe myself is Broken, totally broken.  My faith was severely damaged, til this day, I can't pray. I do make attempts to try but I just feel like it's all in vain. People say to me that 'God' does NOT give you more than you can bare......well, I beg to differ. Who can bare this? People tell me with time, my pain and anger will lesson but yet, it has only intensified. Each passing day is a cruel reminder that my son is not here and the world is going on without him!  My son is not just a "memory" to me, he is my son and will always be my son, just as your mother will always be your mother, you will always be her baby. My son had a life, he was not a figment of my imagination!  Besides being my son, he is a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin and someone's best friend. 

There are no rules that any of us have to follow for our grief and mourning. I do not intentionally want to make others feel uncomfortable......"others", referring to all of those that have been spared thus far of this type of lost and torturous pain, but I do not hide my feelings when 'others' ask me the dreaded  "how are you doing?" question. Depending on my mood or who it is, I respond with I am doing horrible or i say I am fu@ke! up!  They will ask how can they help me....are they kidding?! Get me my son back and I'll be great, if not, there is nothing anyone can do for me. Most of the time now, I may respond with I could be better. I still have anxiety attacks when I am out in public, I find myself still looking for my son, I try to convince myself that this has old been a cruel joke and my son is just lost somewhere and he can't me. It's been 2.5 years and it still feels like it happened 2.5 minutes ago.

Well Mark, your journey has been like something beyond anyone's imagination. Maybe you should consider sharing your story with a larger audience.....so to speak. Only you would know if that would be of any interest for you. You were definitely blessed to have a mother like her and her vice versa to have you for a son. I can only hope that all of us who are suffering with this type of pain, be comforted with some relief, no matter how small, one day. For me, the most important thing is to have my feelings validated.

Please keep in touch and I hope that you also find a group/forum for children that have lost a parent. Once again, I am sorry for your tremendous loss.          Lots of love and many hugs.

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