I feel so isolated

2 weeks ago, my mother died after a long battle with Alzheimer's. In so many respects, the woman I knew as my mother has been long gone because of this horrible disease. But, being with her as she took her last breath is the most profound thing I have ever experienced. I cannot get that image out of my mind. She is all I see.
No one really gets it. My family won't talk about it. Hell, my siblings and father do not even call me unless they want something. I am slowly pushing my best friend away from me because all I want is quiet solitude. I don't know how to express how I feel. I cannot shake the memory of the last 3 months watching her slowly waste away in hospice. My soul feels empty, my mind weary. My heart is shattered and I have nowhere to turn. I know grief is a process and it is still so early.... but I cannot see my way through the darkness and confusion. I feel as though the light has turned its back on me forever.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on August 8, 2009 at 4:08pm
Kelley, my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your mother. My daughter was killed in an accident on Memorial Day of this year and I was like you...I wanted quiet and solitude. I wanted to be left alone. My emotions were raw and unpredictable and it seemed like the more my family and friends wanted to help the more I pushed them away. I know they meant well but some of the things said to comfort me sounded totally off the wall to me! I sent an email to several family members and friends telling them I would not take any phone calls until further notice. I asked one brother to relay the message to family members without internet access and made the same request from a friend. I assured them I would answer all emails and text messages but absolutely no phone calls. All I needed at the time was my husband's love and support. I did not have the energy or desire to socialize with anyone. You posted some beautiful pictures of your mom so you do have some great memories of her. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. You will go through a range of emotions from numbness, to sadness, to anger and everything in between. This I have found is all quite normal in the grieving process. This website is really great and the members offer nothing but support and kindness. Take care.

Laura
Permalink Reply by Serena Ellis on August 25, 2009 at 2:13am
First, I m so sorry for heard about your loss. I know its very difficult time for you and difficult to believe it. When a child lost his parent, its so tough time for child. Mother's love is important for children.
My best friend lost her mother last year and she is crying all the time. She is unable to deal with her grief. i suggest her for go to grief counseling for deal with her grief and I also give you this advice. I pray to God for relief your pain. My condolences for you.
((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

condolence message
Permalink Reply by Julie Dolsey-Weiss on September 29, 2009 at 6:27pm
My heart goes out to you, they say Alzheimer's is the long goodbye. I feel similiar my mom died on August 17, 2009 after being sick for 5 months and her doctor knew she was terminal but never told me and I feel robbed, time we could have cherished together and a chance to say goodbye. We got up for breakfast took care of the cat and dog and went back to bed and when I woke up I found her dead. I will never get the image from my mind nor heart! I can not believe that she would leave me, just when I needed her the most.

Nobody calls anymore the day after her memorial mass everybody just stopped reaching out and while I have two friends they do not seem interested in hearing how i feel and tell me i will get through this. People do not know how hard it is to lose both parents and have no immediate family to care for you. They want you to get over with it, how are we to do that? They do not want to hear you are sad, lonely and lost. Just as long as you don't bring them down then they can go on with their lives and I have become good at hiding how i really feel because the one person I could share my feelings with is gone!

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