When mom died, i really felt like a piece of me died with her .She was only 61 years old. So young to die. 

She had such a traumatic life. She had rheumatic fever when she was just 4 years old.  She almost died. Her mother , my grandmother was so sick. She had ovarian cancer and another type of cancer in her body and died at 43.  My mother met my father and thus began a 30+ year relationship with a monster. He was verbally and physically abusive to her.

When mom was 27 she was diagnosed with a severe form of Rheumatoid Arthritis. The beatings and the lack of being able to take care of herself made her condition worse. My father abused all of us and it made growing up a hell. Poor mom did the best that she could do. She showered us with love and when my dad was not home we had a great life. Unfortunately it was rare that he wasn't home. Working for someone wasn't his idea of fun, so he would stay home and torment us. There were good times as well. There were times when i would wonder if he had changed.. but every few weeks.. it would get really bad and i just would go within myself and not want to come out.

When mom finally divorced satan dad.. she seemed happy. She enjoyed going to movies and i would take her and her best friend to bingo. life was good for about 5 or 6 years. Then July 2009 she got sick. She always had a hard time getting around and i took care of her, in addition to working full time. But i loved my mom so i didn't care.

She started with what i thought was a flu.. but by the second day.. i knew it wasn't. So while i was at work(worried to death) my sister-in-law took mom to the ER. They admitted her with the H1N1 and began doing all sorts of blood testing. Her white blood counts were off and so they suspected she may have Leukemia and started her on shots to help the blood count.

They did a bone marrow and the oncologist told us.. it didn't look like cancer ,but he was going to continue to treat her as if she did.

She was in and out of the hospital from July to December about every other week. She developed large wounds on her legs and had to go to the wound center to get them cleaned. My brother and i became very good at doing bandage changes. The pain was so bad and she was in a constant state of suffering.

then her  stomach started giving her trouble.. nothing stayed down.. or in. We went to a gi dr and he was very kind. He ordered all her medical records and was going to really try and find a solution. this was may 2010.. and she was pretty much out of the hosptial ..but then she seemed to just fade on us. So the end of may we took her to the ER. they admitted her and she was now suffer from sepsis.  She was going to need surgery to get the wounds completely clean. But the day they were taking her in for surgery.. she got worse.. her blood pressure was dropping. She was put in the ICU on a monday.. my brother and i stayed with her all the time. she was never alone and we took turns. I stayed with her all day Tuesday and she was lucid.. we had a good day. We watched the movie Stargate and i fed her ice chips.

However by wednesday when i came in to relieve my brother.. she was on a breathing machine. Not a vent, but a bi-pap. They scheduled surgery for fri and when her gi dr came in he spoke of some solutions to help her stomache after she got stronger. He said with the CML that it would take longer. My brother and i looked at each other and said "CML" He said the Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. She did have cancer and yet .. she kept it from us, or they didn't tell her either.. we don't know. But the fact is .. the treatment was the same as she was already getting.

She was taken into surgery and the last thing i said was "i love you"

those were the last words i spoke to this precious soul

the doctor came out and reguested we go into a little room (i hate those little rooms) and told us she did fine, till the end and then they lost her and brought her back. They got her to her room and she crashed again and a trauma surgeon was working on her right then. They took us to another room. My brother, my aunt, my uncle, my cousin.. all sat in the room in shock. how could this be happening to us.. how can this happen.

My brothers best friend came running into the room crying and he said he has gone into the ICU room and saw them working on her. I knew by his face.. that it wasn't good.

This wonderful ICU dr came in with the anesthesiologist and they explained that she was down for over 20 minutes. that they had really done all they could for her, but they would continue to try if we wanted them to. They said she was bleeding in her belly and it wouldn't stop.

My brother and i looked at each other with tears streaming down our cheeks and we said "no"

that was the hardest thing we have ever done. But we knew in our hearts that even if she was brought back.. she wouldn't be there. Mom was gone.

I called dad and he cussed at me on the phone. I knew that at that point .. we were orphans . no parents.

My father never offered once to help us with the funeral or anything.. not that we would have wanted him to.. but its the point.

that day i drove home to my apartment i was now living with my boyfriend. My brother just bought a house to move my mom into when she was well enough to come. i drove screaming at god that i hated him. He took my mother and i hated him..i told him he was a selfish jerk.. on and on and on. It was raining so hard , yet the sun was shining and i was mad at him about that too.

My bf was out of town..so i was so totally alone in this pain. I went home.. and collapsed on the floor and cried for hours.

Not one of my friends called me or came to see if i was ok. All these people that i had always been there for were suddenly .. gone. I had held there hands while they buried loved ones.. helped them through so much and the ONE time i needed someone .. no one was there.

its been over two years. I have been on another website that said it was grief support but the people there were more interested in dating than finding support for grief or loss.

i would journal there and get comments that i need to just move on and get over it. Its been long enough.

Well you know.. i can't just move on and get over it. The is not a experation date of pain and sorrow. Of course the people who said this were ones who still had all their family members and hadn't really suffered a loss.

I know mom is ok.. i get that.She has come to me so many times in dreams and through different signs.. but the pain in my fragile heart is still there.

I just wish i could hug her or kiss her cheek. here her laughter.. all these things.