Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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Why (CAUTION) Dont read if you can't handle my truth.
Why, why, why? Why you? Why me? Why anyone? Hell if I know. If I knew the answer to that, WOW. I get asked that question so many times, and all I can say is I don't know. When I get frustrated with the whole thing I ask myself Why not me? Why not you? What the heck do I know? Because I'm a 2 time loser I should know the answer to that. I've lost many family, and close friends over the years, and it never gets any easier. I do however get through it. How you ask? I have no idea. I guess when I stopped asking questions that have no answers I just deal with it. All that wishing myself dead, and asking why not take me, has done nothing for me. It just makes this journey harder, and trust me it's hard enough as it is. If I'm not sad all the time, folks think I didn't love my children. If I am sad I'm told to get over it, and move on. I get asked stupid questions like "how can you have faith in God after what he's done to you"? I don't know how many times I have repeated the same answer which is "God did not do this to me, life did this to me". Like everyone else I have to take the good with the bad. The happy with the sad. I have already spent way too much time wanting to die, and keeping myself down in the hole. Yes I do pick myself up, and dust myself off, but I don't want anyone telling me that's what I need to do. I have come to a place where I will say those words to myself, when I feel the need to hear them. I have been feeling pretty down in the dumps lately, and have been talking to myself. Yes I talk to myself often. Why? Because I'm the only one who knows what I'm going through, and I am the only one who can do something about it. Anyway the other day when I was having a conversation with myself I asked myself, Anne do you think anyone else feels your pain? Do you think that unless people have to, they even want to feel your pain? Do you think that anyone cares if you stay in bed for days? Do you think life is going to stop because you feel bad? My answer was Hell No. I can cry out, and shake my fist at God, and it doesn't change what's already happened. I can cry wah, wah , wah, every day all day long, and it doesn't change not one thing. Oh another stupid question I get asked. Do you miss your boys?" I want to just come unglued and say, "Hell no, I like living this misery" Can you just imagine how quickly I'd get locked up if I said that? I just get tired of repeating myself over and over. Having a good day does not mean you don't love the ones who are gone. I will never be over losing my children. I will grieve for them till the day I take my last breath, but I am getting by, and that's good enough for me. I guess I could do the unthinkable, but what purpose would that serve? If I even feel like doing that I have to stop myself, and wonder what my sons would think about me doing that. Yes some days are miserable. Yes the pain gets unbearable at times. Yes there are days when I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Last but not least I would spend every second of every day being miserable If I thought for one second that it would change anything. Sometimes my heart feels this irrational, but then my rational mind kicks in, and tells me that those extreme feelings are useless. So I have learned that it's up to me to take life by the butt, and do whatever it takes to help myself. No one else will do it for me. No one else cares enough to do it for me, nor do I want to live by someone else's rules. I'm not the only person who has had to go through this. I'm not alone in grief. Some folks go through worse things than I can even think of. Some people will never know the love I have known, and that in itself is a bigger reason to grieve. I'm all out of whys. I'm all out of unanswered questions. If I need a day to be miserable, and weepy, I'll take it on my own, but I pray every day for the strength to not let those days be too long. I've got a feeling if God did answer all the why's it would be because that's life. Whew! Well that's a rap. I really needed to write this. This is meant for me. I need to write this stuff down because otherwise I would drive myself nuts. Does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me? Maybe I am a bit nuttier than I thought. Going over this blog post has really helped me today. I can't say these things to others I know because they'd have me locked up. This is my truth.
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Comment by Connie K on September 2, 2014 at 10:39am
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I agree with you Ann altho I can't say I don't struggle every day. Maybe with the time you have had to work through your terrible loss, we can all find the strength you have someday, but everyone has to go through it and feel what they feel in their own way and time. My faith is surely what is getting me through and I will also try to help anyone who reaches out if I can with my limited experience. We just have to learn to live our new reality. And that does suck....
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Comment by bluebird on September 1, 2014 at 8:16pm
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I don't feel the same way you do, but that doesn't mean that you're wrong to feel as you do. If the way you feel helps you, then that's good.
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Comment by anne on September 1, 2014 at 12:41pm
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Right on Patience! You hit the nail on the head. It's a thing called free will. It's a gift! I believe there are 4 things God can do, and that is give us strength, courage, wisdom, and comfort. The rest is up to us! I don't think your bashing God. We all have our times of questioning, but it is up to us to do what it takes without answers! You guys are awesome! Thanks!
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Comment by patience on September 1, 2014 at 12:02pm
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Good point how do you know if. You don't try? You guys must seem to think I'm
bashing god or something..I've
lost my parents my best friend aa child and I've been blind not
once but twice..now I dunno many people who have went threw anything that traumatic and said I'm still standing strong..do I think god was there sometimes yes and no..yet the more I feel lost I seem to be the one to save me god is not going to go work for me or send angels to save me he's making me strong for a reason.
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Thank you Patience for your comment. Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going. When I'm around those who are grieving I'm expected to do and say certain things. When I'm around people who have no clue I'm expected to do and say certain things. I'm so tired of saying "there, there it will be ok" when what I really want to say is "guess what, it's never going to be ok, your always going to hurt, but you and only you can make the changes that are necessary for you to begin to learn how you will deal with what has happened" I know that might sound mean, and callous, but that's how I feel. When my sons died I had no one to go to. My husband was in his own world, my daughters hated me, and the people around me walked away. I'm at a point where I really don't care what Gods plan is for me. I just do my best to follow wherever he leads me. I just can't wallow in self pitty anymore than a day. God speaks to me, and I trust him. I spent 9 years hating God, and doing my best to not let him into my life, and I gotta tell ya that didn't wok out so well either. All I know is that God loves me, and he comforts me when I need it. Somedays I want more, and I'm sure so does everyone else who goes through this, but then I realize that I cant let greed ruin my life. I have to be ok with what I have. I wonder what's wrong with me that others who have had less trauma than I keep wishing themselves dead, and proclaim over and over how they cant go on without their loved ones, and here I sit just wanting to do my best to live life as best I can. Is there something crazy about me? I'm damned if I'm happy, and I'm damned if I'm sad, but I just keep plugging along. I yearn to talk to others who have suffered as I have, and have come out on the other side. I'm so tired of despair. It would be so nice if every once in a while someone would write something positive, and uplifting about their journey, but I haven't come across anyone like that but me. I feel like no one wants to hear the good. I feel like unless your in despair or in the black no one wants to talk to you, and I just get ignored. I don't want to live like that. I lived like that long enough, and it doesn't change a thing anyway. I know I sound harsh, but I know others whose loved ones died a long time ago, and their still crying about wanting to die, and can't live without their loved ones. A person at least has to try to put some of the pieces of their life together. I know I'll never be the whole person I once was, but how will I know if I don't try?
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I think we all feel that way..yes sometimes people go threw far worse things but we each deal with things diffrently..I ask myself why everyday..why am I still here..my neighbor always tells me god has a plan for each of us I stop and think to myself is there a god then I want to yell show me the plan cause I feel so lost..the plan I don't think ever comes..and your right we do have to save ourselves..
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