I have heard those questions a lot. Heck I've asked those same questions myself over, and over! I don't ask them anymore because I know the answers now. When my little boy burned in that car God was there. When my Ben was killed, and my daughter permanently injured, God was there. He was there all along. I just didn't know it because the pain, grief, and sorrow were so strong I couldn't hear or feel God's presence. I was so angry with God that I didn't want him near me. I didn't want God to be any part of my life ever again. I cursed God, and I kicked him out of my life. I would say "How could you do this to me?" "What could I possibly have done to deserve such cruel punishment?" Oh ya I was angry! Then when they locked me away in the psych ward without telling me or my family why, I thought I had killed my child. Why else would they lock me away? I was angry, confused, and worst of all my child was dead, and there was nothing I could do about it. I said to God thanks for nothing. How almighty can you be if you can't even save my child? Oh yes I said a lot of things. He still stayed beside me. All of the clergy people thinking they needed to save my soul. Tell me what God wants from me, and how I should act. They were the worst of all because if anyone should know how to talk to a grieving mother it should be clergy, after all don't they go to school to learn that? Anyway it all destroyed my faith, and my family. I haven't been comfortable in a church since then. I don't much trust people of the clergy either. So I lived without faith or God (so I thought) for a very long time. I started to feel my faith return right before Ben died. Nine years later. After Ben passed I took control of my life, my family, and my faith. I did it my way! No I don't go to church. No I don't belong to any church or religion anymore. I am a child of God! I started to do some research into the bible. I began a personal relationship with God. The more I studied the more I began to understand God, the bible, and what I believe in my own heart. Amazing how what is in my heart is also in the bible. Things I have felt are in the scriptures. This is what I learned. God did not do this to me or anyone. He does not do unspeakable acts to any of us. His love is pure, and truthful. God does not decide who lives, and who dies. If things would've gone the way God intended them too, there would be no death for anyone. Satan got his grip on mankind and if anyone is to blame for tragedy, death, and sorrow that's who does it. God could step in, but then freewill would be lost. God wants us to just do our best to resist temptation, and to know how deeply He loves us. Many times I have heard people say that their child lived because God created a miracle for them. I don't believe a word of it. If God was going to save one child then why not others? It doesn't work that way. Even God has to restrain himself when it comes to humans. I believe that Jesus' life, and death was God's last miracle on earth. However I do believe God gives us the power to create miracles for eachother. It's up to us whether or not we use it. When someone dies God grieves too. I know this because I can feel it. I also know that even though God does not interfere with those of the earth there are many other ways he shows us love, guidance, and comfort. The problem is that when my child died the only things I could feel were, anger, pain, and deep, deep sorrow. I didn't know it, but God was there. I felt him near the day I buried my little boy, and I did not feel his presence again until many years later. There was so much interference after Lil Del died that I felt I had lost everything, and that I would never feel God in my heart ever again. I didn't think I wanted to ever feel him again. The more I studied that bible the more I began to get some answers for some of the questions I had been pondering over for so long. The one that helped me the most to regain my faith was Matthew 18:14 So it is not the will of my Father in Heaven that the little one's should parish. When I finally started to feel that truth in my heart, other things began to fall into place. I figured without God I really had nothing. I was so surprised that I was feeling that way. I was actually stunned I could feel anything positive at all. I tried to come up with reasons for my change of heart. I wondered what I was doing to make my heart feel good. The answer was that it wasn't me making my heart feel good, it was God finally getting through to my thick, stubborn, angry, sad, and terribly broken heart, and soul. That's when the light shined! It had to be God! There must be a God because I felt that light in my heart, and deep within my soul. I haven't wanted to die in 5 years. I have had my bad times, but since I have been able to reopen my heart those really bad days are few, and far between. The more I study, and the more I communicate with God personally, the easier my life has become. I guess I feel things I've never felt before with no other explanation, but the Grace of God. Believe me when I say that I have done my best to shut God out. Then it hit me. How could I be so angry, and so blameful to something that didn't exist? That was the first answer. If I didn't believe in God why would I even care? So the whole time I was trying not to believe someone was holding me up, and someone was slowly opening my eyes. Now I know it wasn't me because I did my best to not care about anyone or anything, and I did it well.(at least I thought so!) Little by little I began to stop fighting him, and began to follow him instead. I like to study the bible. I love pouring my heart out to God, Jehovah, my father in heaven. I have learned to ask for the things I know he will give me, like strength, patience, wisdom, courage, comfort, and most of all guidance. My faith has been years in the making. It has been trampled, wounded, and wiped away. Yet here I am today, alive, healed, and loved. I know as life goes on I will have times that my faith will be tested. I also know that I can't predict the way I will feel or act if, and probably when I will have to face more tragedy in this life. What I know for sure in my heart is that whatever comes my way I know who to trust, and who to take my troubles too, GOD! I know I have written some of these things before, but as I said before, I am so stunned at my change of heart. No church, no religion, no clergy, and I have to say that I feel closer to God than I ever have in my life. The best part is that my faith, and my personal relationship with God has done more for me than anything, or anyone else ever has. I don't know why, or how this happened, and I'm not sure what to do with some of it, but I am grateful to be able to receive love, and give love once again. I may not be able to understand things all the time in this life, but I do try to understand what I can, and trust that God will take care of the rest. The truth is what else is there? How else could anything be possible?  What would be the point of any of it if there is no God? The answer is I'm glad I don't have to think about questions like these because I'm already sure God does exist. Not only does he exist, he also loves us all, and the day will come when we will all be together again. This is my truth. It took a long time, and a lot of physical, mental, and extremely emotional hard work, but I am so blessed, and grateful to have come back into the light. I hope if the days ever get very dark again that I have the strength to lean on my Father in Heaven. There's always work to do in any relationship but none as important as the work in my relationship with God. I'm counting on seeing, and holding my sons in my arms again. That will be my day of Glory! Since I didn't get a choice as to the deaths of my children,  I am grateful that even through the darkest nights I learned something from all of it, and I'm not afraid anymore!