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Comment by rachel_micele on July 5, 2015 at 11:05pm

I'm glad to hear the reading went so well and enjoyed hearing the details! I feel like there's one for me in the works and at some point, possibly soon, I will do one. After the post with you sharing my stories I've just been letting my emotions and mind settle/process a bit. I will let you know any update. If/when you have another reading I would enjoy hearing how it goes again, if you care to share.

Comment by rachel_micele on July 2, 2015 at 11:02pm

I agree with finding others who are going through this awful pain. There's another forum I like which cost $10 to join but this one has become the main one I go to. I look very forward to hearing how the phone reading goes. I did look her up and looked through her website. If yours goes well, I may try her myself. I did find one in my research that seemed fairly valid I've been thinking of trying also. 

What is your daughters name? And what is the name of the heart condition? What happened in April when she went downhill? Don't mean for 20 questions, lol. I have a niece who is special needs so just curious more of your situation. 

Your line of "living life for the purpose of taking care of our family and honoring him", I think that's really neat and good way to look at it.

Short and sweet this time. Been struggling the last couple days it being a new month just because soon it will now have been 4 months. As time goes on, what do you find. It being easier, harder ... both?

Hugs and good thoughts your way

Comment by rachel_micele on June 29, 2015 at 12:00am

I appreciate the FB link. Like you I don't use FB much but I did join that group and will see what I get out of it. I'm open to anything that may help.

Thank you for your feedback on my stories. I've been noting happenings in a word document but this was the first time telling anyone and putting it more together. And that did something to me, maybe help me think they are Gary. I guess especially with the times of feeling a presence I can take a thought and run with it, wig myself out, so it's like I want to make sure I'm not clouding the experiences with other judgements. But I've felt like the only way I will truly begin to make any peace with this is to have the communication, signs, etc, from him.

I hope too you experience something like your husbands presence. And when you do, I'd love to hear about it. =) The punching in the gut when you wake up and have that bit of realization that your love is no longer in person, yea, I know what you mean. That's happened 3 times to me. I still think about a medium type reading, if you do end up having one please let me know too how that goes as I would love to hear. When you say reading around, are you looking for one locally to see in person?

So you are around 2 months into this nightmare. I'm 3 1/2 months but it feels like it's been an eternity. When I realized the 3 month mark I couldn't believe that's it, that's all it's been. 

You'll have to let me know what you think of the books at the point you check them out. I'll tell you now book 1 deals mainly with individual truths, book 2 global truths, book 3 universal truths. Book 3 I just finished rereading and has some good passages about death. I'm rereading 1 now and actually just bought book 2 reading it for the first time.

I think sometimes about people's nonchalant reference of how something is heartbreaking, a nightmare, reasons to "kill me now", different sayings of speech ... how little do they know. 

I'm curious too how your 3 year old is taking things. You mention in your info she is disabled. How is she doing with this?

Hugs

Comment by rachel_micele on June 24, 2015 at 11:05pm

You mention Michael that your g/f would want you to carry on. That's great if you can find comfort in that. I haven't been able to, not when I'm the one left behind going through this unbearable pain. And I am working to fit in some exercise in attempts to feel better. I had someone else in grief mention that to me also.

I wouldn't of thought Breana that an organ rejection would happen so many years later either. So sad ... and being grateful for the time you did have, I suppose that is a starting point to acceptance? 

Gary didn't have any heart issues per say. He had an episode in December where he had what felt like an anxiety attack and said he almost passed out twice while sitting in a chair. He was always an anxious person so I didn't think anything of it. I beat myself up at times for that. The next time he told me of it happening (but I think it was happening more often and he wasn't telling me) was the day he died. His older brother died of heart attack, same way he did. Collapsed and gone. And I had forgotten his father, who is still living, has had a heart attack and after Gary passed I found out his father also had a 5 artery bypass surgery.

The signs ... the main instances are 3 different times/things. First was something in a dream around 2 months after he passed. I've had a lot of dreams about Gary. I feel many of them are my mind just trying to process but this particular one was different. Gary and I were talking at the end of a day. I left him a voicemail earlier in that day just to say I missed him. He didn't get the voicemail until this conversation and the number showed up differently on his phone. I said it was probably from me, I left a voicemail, and it was just to say I missed him. Right after I told him I missed him in the dream, I saw a flash of his face and actually heard the words in my head, "I miss you too babe." Then it went right back to the dream scene of how I just told him I missed him and was starting to cry. Probably 4 or 5 seconds later I woke up with goose bumps and jittery. This flash and words was so much bigger and came from a totally different place. It wasn't just another scene in my dream, it was something different that I don't recall ever experiencing before in my life. That next day I missed him in a way like I had just been with him, near him, something, and took half the day to stop crying.      

Next time was a feeling of his presence I couldn't shake the first of this month. I made a post on FB that night outlining this horrible hell and became so distraught I could not stop crying. Crying in the bed I began to feel like I wasn't alone. At one point I went to the bathroom to just get the whole damn roll of toilet paper as I kept using up what I grabbed, and I seriously felt like I was going to see him standing there when I opened the bathroom door. I'm traveling for work this summer and staying in motels during the week. This particular room had 2 beds and at another point I felt like he was at the foot of the other bed.

The last one is a few different things combined. A preface: I grew up in church but have not gone for the last 11 years and I loathe formalized religion. I'm still figuring out exactly the alternative to what I believe, but I do think there is a universal energy. Call it whatever you want. There is a 3 book series called "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsh. I do think there is a lot of truth in these books. I read them many years ago and after I lost Gary have been rereading them. In the 3rd book there are sections talking about death. Neale is asking "God" about talking to those on the other side. Neale asks, "Suppose you had something you wanted to say to the other, rather than something you wanted to hear from them?" The reply he heard was, "Do you imagine that you could say it and they not hear it? The slightest thought having to do with a being existing on what you call "the other side" brings that being's consciousness flying to you. You cannot have a thought or an idea about a person who is what you call "deceased" without that person's Essence becoming completely aware of it.” This, among other things said in the book, I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe the previous things were indeed Gary. One day saying this to myself the line, "so believe it" dropped in my head. I don't know what that was or where it came from. So one night in my motel room I talked outloud to Gary. I said, I guess I'll just believe those instances were you. And I guess I'll just believe what I read is true and that you hear me. Please come to me and please come to me in my dreams. Shortly after that, I had that feeling again like I wasn't alone. Laying there in bed I had a chair next to the bed, facing the bed, and could not shake the feeling that if i turned around I would see him sitting in the chair. I had to rearrange the chair. (I want to feel him, hell even see him, it's just ghosts and stuff like that have always wigged me out.) I went to sleep and in the middle of the night woke up and knew I had a dream about him. I couldn't remember any details other than he was alive. That next day I had the feeling again like after the speaking dream where I missed him in a way like I was near him and took half the day to stop crying. 

So, I'm still processing these things. But especially the last experience to feel/have both things I asked him for happen that same night …

I've been thinking too of a physic, medium, something along those lines but I don't know yet. I apologize if the length of my post was tedious. When you say the dreams are pretty haunting, you mean in the way of how real they feel?   

Comment by rachel_micele on June 22, 2015 at 10:43pm

Thank you Michael and Breana for your comments.

I'm still in awe Michael how you are going through this grief nightmare for the 3rd time. Wouldn't mind hearing more of how you learned to cope. I agree too feelings need to be expressed. I have been working very hard from the beginning to allow that and I knew there was no way I could do this without counselors to help me. (Not to say that's been the only thing I've done in coping, that's just one thing on the long list). For a while I had 2 and, not by choice, it's now been just the one. I've started to research facilities for grief similar to the rehab centers. From what I read I haven't been in this nightmare for much time but I seriously don't know how to do this and I feel like my coping ability is diminishing.

I can't imagine Breana what you are going through in your situation, and at only 24. I am so sorry to hear your story. Gary and I had so many plans too ... so many. Being robbed of that is unbelievable. I've had a few experiences I can't help but believe they were him. I agree too our relationship doesn't end just because they pass. But what to do with the mess left behind that is ourselves, yes, is what I can't make sense of. I'm been back in school working to figure that aspect out so my life really is a big fat mess. I felt like I could finally get somewhere with Gary doing it with me ... but my thoughts are with you as well. Thank you again for your words.