Feeling lost and so alone today.  Like everything is too much. My friends tell me that everybody copes differently, some go on a huge cleaning binge, I tried that (and for the record I hate housework because it seems no sooner is everywhere cleaned then kids and dogs mess it up so it looks like I did nothing).  Obviously that didn't help except to make me a little more upset than usual. Usually when I am feeling down I can bake and feel better, but now that doesn't work either.  Just reminds me that my husband is not here to sample it as it comes out of the oven.   Another friend said go for walks or run .. well with all the rain that was not really an option this week-end.  Can't stay focused enough to read or do crafts.  Can't help feeling that if the Lord had to take my husband he should have taken me too .. I don't want to be here alone, I don't know how to be alone and, if I am honest, I don't want to know.   Does anybody have suggestions or how to fill the hours of loneliness?  

My family seems to think I should be moving forward but I can't, or maybe I don't want to, not sure which.  They can't seem to understand why I am still crying so much.  If they only knew how many times I am crying and they don't see me, because now I try desperately not to cry when they are around.   Hiding how I am feeling from them it tearing me apart but showing them and trying to talk to them about how I am feeling seems only to make them upset at me for not moving on.

Will it always feel like this?  I hope not because the thought of weeks, months, years of this feeling of helplessness and loneliness is not something I would wish on my worst enemy if I had one.

Sorry to vent here ..its the only place I feel free to express my feelings right now.  I do have a couple of very good friends who listen and don't think less of me for how I am feeling but most just don't understand because they have never been here.  

Hopefully tomorrow and the rest of this week will be easier than this week-end has been.   I am trying to keep busy so I have less time to think and this does help some of the time.