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Comment by Brittany Hensley on February 17, 2011 at 1:42pm

I have tried with my friends BUT with us all being 25 years old they are really at a lose. I have told them just being an ear is good enough but when I try to talk they change the subject. In a way they are all kind of relieved because my husband had Bipolar 2 with psychotic tendency's and sever anxiety disorder. Or to put it bluntly he was mentally unstable. We went through a lot in the 3 years we had and my friends frankly didn't like him or what he put me through. They don't understand why I stayed and they never will.  My family is the kind of the same way BUT they knew him more personally since we lived with my parents for awhile and they knew there was more good then bad with him. My friends are not worried about saying the wrong thing...they will say things like "You'll be happier when your ready for the next guy" or "I think if i were you i would feel relieve from not having to deal with him anymore". Now that I look at it maybe then didn't back off from me maybe I backed off from some of them. Realizing that has made me kind of angry and I am going to get off of here for now. Stay in touch I think we may be able to help eachother. Thank you again.

Comment by Sean Casey on February 16, 2011 at 9:49pm

I understand what you mean.  Until I got to see my wife's body, I kept having these almost bizarre flashes of hope that this was all a case of mistaken identity and she was going to turn up and be OK.  Sure, that works on TV, but in real life, the police are usually more careful and thorough than that.  I've also slowly been getting next to the idea that my wife wasn't really all that rational at the end.  I don't think she saw any other options, and so did what made sense based on what she let herself see and not ignore/discount.  I don't know that I'll ever get to know for sure what was up with her at the end, much though I might want to.  I know if I worry about it too much, it'll make me really nuts.  It's not worth doing that to myself, and won't change that she's gone....that she left.

A suggestion, if I may?  It might help your friends out to let them know what you want and need.  This kind of stuff is unusual and extreme enough that I think you're right, people just don't know what to do.  I think they get afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and so back off.  Letting them know you just want someone to listen or to talk about something else entirely or to give you a reality check might make it easier for them to reach back out to you.  I had one friend I started talking to tell me she didn't know how to talk to someone who's spouse had comitted suicide.  I told her that she was doing just fine, by talking to me as her friend.  That seemed to help her out and we had a really good talk after that, some about me 'n' my wife's death and others having nothing to do with it at all.

And if you'd rather not get the suggestions, please feel free to tell me.  I won't be offended by that.  I've already had to tell a couple people around me the same thing and get how they can sometimes feel really overwhelming or intrusive, despite being well-intentioned.  The last thing I want to do here is add to anyone's grief or difficulty.

Comment by Brittany Hensley on February 16, 2011 at 9:22pm

Thank you Sean. I sometimes wonder if my husband did it on purpose. I know in my heart he didn't but the mind will say crazy things sometimes. My family is doing there best to keep me going and my friends were great for the first week or so but then they backed off not knowing what to do. I too will pay for you.

Comment by Sean Casey on February 16, 2011 at 7:44pm

I hear you.  It was probably about 2 weeks ago that my wife took her life.  This Friday will be 2 weeks since the police showed up at the house to tell me she was found dead.  Her ashes are in a box in my office, waiting for the weather to warm enough for me to go scatter them in one of her favorite places.  We didn't have any kids, so right now what's keeping me going are friends and family...and they can't stay with/around me forever.  I'm hoping going back to work will help, at least give me somewhere I can focus on other things than looking at the missing parts of my life that she occupied during the last 15 years.  I don't hate her for what she did, but I'm still deeply angry at what she did and the unholy mess I've been left to deal with.  Everyone says it'll get better in time.  For now I have to take their word for it; I don't see it myself.  This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, too.

 

For what it's worth, I'll be praying for you and your children in the weeks and months to come.