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Unhappy Anniversary
Today is our wedding anniversary and I'm so alone. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and die. I feel so desolate. The sun is shining outside but my world is grey and cold. I've written an anniversary card but I have no one to give it to, I feel like ripping it to pieces; like the broken pieces of my life.
It was so hard trying to find a card, reading through the verses in the shop I started crying. I hate crying in public, it makes me feel so out of control. That's what this whole experience of losing him has been like. I feel like there's no order to the world, no sense or reason.
So many cards I disregarded, they said things about having many more happy years together and looking forward to a happy future. Yeah, right! Then it occurred to me that I won't be receiving a card from him. Our first wedding anniversary, and I'm the only one buying a card which will never be read. It's not fair. Other people have happy lives and long happy marriages, I got 4 months. I feel cheated, but I was damn well going to buy that card.
This time last year I was so happy, so proud to be his wife, to have married such a wonderful man. I thanked my lucky stars I had found him; how much things can change in a year. I thought we had the rest of our lives together, that we would grow old and be so happy. I so wanted to see what he would look like as an old man, now I'll never know. I love him so much, my heart is breaking without him, how could this happen?
It was so hard trying to find a card, reading through the verses in the shop I started crying. I hate crying in public, it makes me feel so out of control. That's what this whole experience of losing him has been like. I feel like there's no order to the world, no sense or reason.
So many cards I disregarded, they said things about having many more happy years together and looking forward to a happy future. Yeah, right! Then it occurred to me that I won't be receiving a card from him. Our first wedding anniversary, and I'm the only one buying a card which will never be read. It's not fair. Other people have happy lives and long happy marriages, I got 4 months. I feel cheated, but I was damn well going to buy that card.
This time last year I was so happy, so proud to be his wife, to have married such a wonderful man. I thanked my lucky stars I had found him; how much things can change in a year. I thought we had the rest of our lives together, that we would grow old and be so happy. I so wanted to see what he would look like as an old man, now I'll never know. I love him so much, my heart is breaking without him, how could this happen?
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Comment
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Comment by bluebird on May 7, 2017 at 6:42pm
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I understand, as much as someone who isn't you can understand. My husband died one week after our wedding, so we never got to celebrate our wedding anniversary either. My husband is a wonderful person, and we were so lucky to have found each other. I love him with all my soul, and I always will. It sounds as though you feel the same way about your husband. I'm sorry you're existing in this pain too.
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Comment by Nora on May 7, 2017 at 10:07am
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I am so sorry, Louise. I know how it feels when you step out and the sun shines and people laugh happily and you are standing alone feeling you don't belong here as you want to die right now. No colors exist just black with shades. And only one question like some stupid golf ball inside the empty head - WHY?
Sending my love you.
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Comment by Jackie cooke on May 7, 2017 at 9:57am
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I'm so sorry Louise, I can feel the hell your going through. Nothing about any of this is fair I wish I could be wise and comforting but I can't.i spend everyday asking why and thinking this time last year, even this time two months ago. It's all jus pain on top of pain . Sending love to you
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