Today marks 1 month since you left

Today marks 1 month since you left us, and things haven't got any easier!!! It still hurts everyday knowing that my love/best friend is gone...

Since you’ve been gone, my world has come to a halt. Food has lost its taste. I hear no rhythm in music. I see no beauty in nature. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. My heart feels like it’s being weighed down with a thousand stones. I am numb. At night, I wish for a peaceful sleep. I pray that you don’t haunt my dreams. I hope that the night slips by uninterrupted because each time I wake I relive the horrible reality that you are no longer here with me. I think about you coming back. I think about things I know deep down won’t happen, but I can’t help myself.

I miss laughing with you. I miss lying in bed at all hours of the night talking and listening to your steady heartbeat in your strong, comforting embrace. We fit so perfectly together. I miss our adventures. They weren’t too grand, but being with you made everything feel like the world’s greatest adventure. I miss waking up in the middle of the night to your kisses; to the love that was once so powerful I couldn’t believe it to be real. I glance at my phone every few minutes waiting for your name to pop up on my black screen. I feel weak, pained, and lonely. I feel unsafe. I miss how strong I felt with you by my side. I am helpless without you, since you’ve been gone.

People tell me I’m one of the strongest people they know, but I hide from them that it takes every ounce of effort to get through a day in one piece, and that I smile every chance I get to keep myself from breaking apart. They don’t see the endless trail of tears that drain my body and soul each night and paint my sheets when my head hits the pillow. They don’t know that I keep myself busy so that I don’t have time to think of you and feel the pain of my aching heart. The thought of your kiss seems so real to me, even though you're so distant. I can sense your touch with my every move. Your scent never disappears..

The weight of your absence is so heavy. I can’t remember what it feels like to breathe without gasping. There are a hundred different ways to say I miss you but I’m stumbling over every single one and I’ve realized you can only write about someone so much before the only thing you can write about is the last time you saw them. They say you’re only as good as the company you keep, so I guess that’s why I haven’t been doing so well since you left me. A place in my heart will never be filled again I love you and miss you so much. I know that time will never fully heal these wounds.

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Comment by Niomi Johnson on November 9, 2017 at 7:23am
Has it gotten easier? It’s been ten weeks since my husband died. It truly feels like i will never recover.
Comment by Cheryl m. on October 13, 2016 at 11:08pm
My heart is very sad for this loss...
I'm glad this isn't a sight where u have to have it all togeth, or have to spell ur full words...or even spell well...
I know it is never good to compare... so I will just sit and imagine your hurt for a few min.. and just as I sit here.. you are not alone.. I am not alone ... life sure changed a lot for me one month ago also.... on the very one month mark (yesterday actually)
My daughter turned 5... it was nearly impossible to celebrate or sing... so I went to a sad friends house part of the birthday time.. and tried to be a friend to her... even though we basically both are a mess...
I can't believe you can place words to some of these feelings...wow... that is a gift.. which I sure wish you never had to know you had... well, person... soul of sadness... hope tonight where ever you are... you continue to remember the beautiful moments and great scents... and hope...wow... hope this ahhh...I don't know what to say.. we wil never forget our loved ones... not ever...sigh...
Comment by rachel_micele on November 25, 2015 at 3:57pm

My heart goes to you Laurie. You describe it so very real and raw. Thank you.

"Since you’ve been gone, my world has come to a halt. Food has lost its taste. I hear no rhythm in music. I see no beauty in nature. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep." Tears welled up as I read this. It took me right back to those first days of the nightmare.

Yes, my world shattered. Time stopped, froze. The fact a next day even came was like a merciless beating. Completely insulting and heartless.

For at least 3 weeks food had no taste and would feel like a rock in my stomach making me nauseous.

My nervous system was so overstimulated and maxed out, I became completely sensitive to anything. Noise, motion, music, anything sensory. Something so simple as hearing someone talk too loud made me cringe like nails on a chalkboard.

I still am not able to listen to music for enjoyment. Gary and I were/are both musicians. Music was one of the biggest things in our lives. The last band he turned me on to that I really liked, I still haven't listened to. It's now been 8 1/2 months.

I've had many dreams, upwards of 20, as my brain is trying to process. In many of those first ones he was both dead and alive. 

I agree with Hilary on this one, "I miss our adventures. They weren’t too grand, but being with you made everything feel like the world’s greatest adventure." So beautiful. So true. Something as simple as going to the damn store with Gary was great, just because we were doing it together. 

 

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 25, 2015 at 8:57am

"I miss our adventures. They weren’t too grand, but being with you made everything feel like the world’s greatest adventure."

So beautiful. So very, very beautiful. Exactly. Yes, exactly. All the beautiful colors and small little wonders, all hope and purpose, it all died when D died. You understand. It's so hard to be here now.

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