This Constant Ache

I lost my Mom on August 16th.  She was a lung cancer survivor who after she retired was able to live out some of her lifes dreams and travel the world.  She became ill in April, with what we all assumed was a pinched nerve, then we were told it was Parkinsons, but not a week before she passed we found out she more than likely had Mad Cow Disease.  What kind of cruel joke was this...my Mom was a go getter after cancer she let nothing stop her.  She was 65 which is young in my book.  This disease took her ablility to communicate, I kept telling her it was going to be alright and it wasn't.  I feel like I lied to her, we just didn't know.  I don't know how I am getting through this.  I told myself that everything I have ever went through in my life was to prepare me for my Mom passing, but I don't know if that is true.  I lost my Dad five years ago to cancer, my Grandma last year, my father in law several years ago, but without my Mom.  I hurt tremendously for her.  She was my best friend.   We talked every day even though she lived three hours away I felt close to her.

Next Monday is Halloween, my Fathers birthday, nine days later is my Mom and mine is in between.  I don't know how I am going to get through these next couple of weeks.  It still hurts and I keep thinking about her last hour, I would have taken her place.  I am so sad that words cannot describe the depth of my pain.  But yet I know she would want me to keep on keeping on.

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Comment by Natalie Butler on November 1, 2011 at 11:50pm

Janice, thank you for your understanding. There are times that I feel very alone! I have two people in my life that I talk to and I think that unless you have been through losing a parent it just is hard for others to understand. I don't want to cause any of my friends more grief and I wonder if they are not tired of listening to me. So once again thank you for your understanding.

The feeling of watching someone you love sooooo much pass and being unable to do anything is hard to live with...I can't believe that I no longer have my parents. It helped me somewhat to just write about the feelings I am having. I had a real hard time last week and was feeling pretty good until last night...I had to fill out some paper work last night and the word deceased kept coming up. It bothered me to think of my Mother as deceased. I woke up in the middle of the night with hives. I have been having severe anxiety attacks.

I am happy that you were able to have Thanksgiving at your house for the first time last year, at least you had that experience. I almost don't want to celebrate the holidays nor birthdays but I have to keep living. My Mom is gone but she wouldn't want me to act as if my life was over. While I think your Dad would be happy about the live tree (imagine the fragrance :-)) wouldn't he want you not enjoy your holiday? He loved you, he would want you to be happy.

I agree with you, its hard to pretend that everything is OK. I have found myself getting angry that others were laughing and happy when I was hurting so bad. Furthermore I have also found that I have seen people older than our parents or some loser and think, God why couldn't you have taken that person instead of my Mom! I know that is horrible and I apologize for that kind of thinking but.....it just hurts. My heart goes out to you. I know I have a lot more cries ahead of me, I need to get them out, sometimes its not so easy, but I think that is contributing to my panic attacks.

Once again thank you for your comment. Please feel free to reach out to me anytime.

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