I never thought I'd be at this point in my life where I'd actually say I don't think I can take the void much longer.  Your loss and all that has happened really is too much.  It's too final.   This was my biggest fear.  Every horrific nightmare that a person could hope would never happen has happened in less than a year. 

Four days ago for the first time I realized in complete clarity I will never see or speak to you again.  EVER.  It's now been 6 months since the moment I watched you give up that last breath and your energy quickly left your body.  It's FOREVER!  I hate each day.  Hate isn't even the right word.  I despise each day.   From the second I wake up there is that disgusting feeling in my stomach that I have to face another day alone.   Because of the road we traveled for decades I live in paranoia just waiting for the next horror to happen.   I wonder at what point I may end up just simply roaming the streets.  What else is life just waiting to take from me?

I've got no one and I'm not going to have anyone.  Not like you.   I don't have the energy or the trust in me to offer that closeness to someone at this point.  Growing up the way I did I never believed most people were genuine.  I grew up not understanding the word selfish but it was obvious the rest of the world defined itself that way by the strange choices they made.  I now wonder in secret envy what that life is like where every choice is all about just you and even if it means you may hurt someone who cares?  You are the benefactor!  I don't know how to live like that.

I actually have regrets now that I didn't pull away when I was younger so that I could get use to not having you in my life on a daily basis.  We were a team.  I can't even explain to people how different our life was or how unique it was.  Grief counselors openly admit to me I'm an oddity given the nature of our closeness.  All I've known my entire life was how to lookout and provide care for you.  Over 40 years is longer than some marriages last.  Most children bolt at the age of 18.  Of those 18 years when did the apron strings get severed where the child became more independant? Where the parent could back off and know even thouh they were still a kid they could keep themselves relatively safe from harm?  I didn't get that with you.    All I've known since the age of 4 is how to reach, walk, dress, cook, clean, provide safety, comfort, and care for you. I'm not complaining it made me who I am.  It forced me to think on my feet and be very observant.   That life included being clever and creative in utilizing wheelchairs, scooters, ramps, working around what would be considered non access to the physically challenged. 

Starting at a young age I became your voice to adults who out of ignorance looked at your disfigured body and assumed you were mentally incapacitated.  It was probably the wrong role to be handed to a child but I did it.   We went without but tried to convince ourselves through laughter we were rich in being forced to enjoy the small things in life.  People would be blown away how big a deal a candybar twice a month is to some people when you can't afford much and aren't allowed access to much of anything else.   It was my life.  It's what I was born into.  To me that was normal but this end result where a vile disease that created more pain, horror, degradation, and agony entered the equation is just too cruel. 

I've listened to widows who state that at least they get their loved ones social security to take care of the kids and of course that living spouse has earned it.  I don't get stuff like that.  I mean I don't get the fair compensation I earned.  My care was for free and it was for the entirety of my life up until my mother passed.   Why is it limited to someone like her?  What exactly did she do that was different than what I did?  she woud probably be embarrassed if we had a contest to see who could do the laundry, clean the house, and cook the meals, and provide care.  Her children could shower and bath themselves.  That wasn't the case in our situation.  I'd leave the greiving widow in the dust in that contest and she'd be panting asking me how did I do all of that?  I have actually had that asked of me many times in my life how I balanced it all.  My answer...  I've been doing it since I could walk.  But because she's a mother and wife she gets the additional financial coverage.  She deserves it.  I mean that.  The kids deserve the income but I'm left wondering where is my compensation and it's a very fair request.  Is it a petty thought from me?  No way!   When you lose that person you are attatched to you do ask what is the value of your own life after they are gone.   I additionally saved my state tens of thousands of dollars keeping my mother in her home rather than putting her in a facility.  I get no thanks.  I sacraficed a lot of personal desires.  What I did get was an itemized list of expenses the state wanted paid back from my mothers estate for the things they did cover.  Fair enough but I have an itemized list to counter any of that as well.  So, after providing detailed documentation that I had provided on hands care for decades that kept her from being in a facility they reluctantly closed the case.  They never called to question the care they just needed solid proof we'd actually shared the same living environment.  Had I even left her side for one month there was a chance I would have had to pay on her behalf.    Amazing.   Again, no thank you's, no empathy and no offering a check for compensation that the state would have willingly paid to some facility for years of personal care even though sitting in front of them was medical documentation stating my care kept her out of those facilities.   

I asked the widow kindly how many hours were spent bathing, dressing, feeding their deceased loved one and they say.. Oh praise God we never had to do stuff like that but she is quick to point out she took care of the children when they were babies.  If I pointed out she'd been compensated for that while he was alive I suppose that would be rude.  Not to mention that role did end although I guess compensation for a few years of more detailed on hands care for children gets a female called a mother a lifetime of financial compensation.  The gift that keeps on giving?  Again, that sounds rude but that's from my side of the table. Yes she deserves it but I don't?  

She then talks about the fun memories of traveling, buying their first home or automobile and over all enjoying being healthy active parents.  Funny thing is I became a parent at the age of 4 and I get nothing but without reservation I proudly say praise God I was selected to bathe, dress, feed, and comfort my own mother for decades.  I didn't get all the fun luxury that widow did.  I wasn't allowed that.   It's just another one of those strange things I shove over into one odd life.    Somewhere in there is again that question of fair and balanced that I just don't get in all of this.  I'm left infuriated at what was handed to us. 

I'm still young but I'm so exhausted with all of the unbearable misery this has created.  My memories have a lot of hurt in them.  I just don't understand how a person can be chosen for so much less and so much pain and so much agony.  For their entire life.  I don't understand why we were chosen to be in the have not category.  We never harmed a soul.   My life now is reduced to that of a senior citizen who's entire family has left so they gather their social security and go live with other displaced old loners in some facility and play bingo all day until they die.  I can't even do that.  I work making very little. Continue to go without.  Fear I will fall short financially and lose what little I have.  I sit alone blown away at all that has taken place.  I have acquaintances but none I feel comfortable enough with to allow into my life on a more personal level.  I'm not even wanting friends.  I can't stand listening to peoples complaints knowing what I know about life so I'd rather not put myself through those boring conversations.  Or the idiot that thinks they have some wise words about how to deal with the loss of a loved one but every time I ask.. So after your mother died did it feel strang using the upper cupboards for the first time in your life?  Or how long does it last where you keep looking over your shoulder to see if they are physically ok only to realize they are gone?  Or when you were wiping your mother and dumping her urinal did you ever feel guilt that you didn't want to do it and after all of that hating doing it do you wish to God almighty you could have just one more day of that so that you could see them?  I get zero response and the subject is changed.  So my desire for friends it's very low.

That life of challenges and that last year of horrific added misery hangs in my mind.  It not only took you from me but also took any faith I'd ever have in a loving God.  I can never forgive him for what he allowed.   I actually think sometimes God may be the devil who has fooled billions into handing their soul to him.   His foundation is questionable at best.  Basically he really doesn't care to hear about our misery.  The bottom line is all he wants is to be loved or adored and if not then he will make sure we continue to suffer forever in vile hell.  There's something real wrong in that but we bought the smoke and mirrors of how perfect his heaven would be if we loved and worshiped him.  Forget the threats or how selective he was in giving someone true comfort.   I've said to myself knowing his insatiable ego of constantly wanting to be worshiped and loved he'd be floored at the idea if he had to endure the pain and agony we went through for decades and he'd absolutely kill off society out of anger if at the end of all that pain and agony he was inflicted with a gut wrenching disease that left him laying unable to move while his son had to clean and change his diapers.  It's over kill of the human spirit.  I believe his excuse to avoid such horror would be based on his ego.  He'd simply say .. how dare anyone ask him to endure such horror because he's God.  It sickens me.  The day I meet him if he exists I'll tell him to not even bother.  He never cared and he proved it to me and some babble about faith and making flowers bloom and the sky a pretty blue were to be his gift to us above all the misery we lived would make me vomit while the foul evil creatures living down the road were handed life on a silver platter.  Besides, he doesn't need me.  He's got a whole gaggle of people already licking his feet.  He abandoned me years ago.

I've actually given myself a time table here on this earth.  I call it my misery time table.  When I just can't take the loneliness any longer I've got to have the courage to leave.  I'm granting myself some mercy in all of this.  I get no trophy and golden star for always enduring complete hell.  I have the right to put my foot down and say enough is enough.   When I wake up that day and finally say no matter what this is it.  I don't have to endure this hell any longer knowing the next horror is probably around the corner and for some reason I'm a chew toy to watch get eaten alive with all this agony.   This is how it's always going to be and it's just not worth it.  I've served my purpose I guess.   I don't sit around on some personal suicide watch.  I can't even be defined as a quitter.  I'm just tired of this horrific misery.  I need peace.  I need for the pain of all of this to end.  I feel like because of the odd life we shared I've come from another planet and I'm all alone walking amongst a society that just doesn't get life.  Most people have no idea how lucky they are.  I'd like to see them deal with what we went through.  I so regret my sacrafices.  I thought giving up things for someone else was the right thing to do.   I know well in advance many if not almost all couldn't do it.  They'd be shocked at the roadblocks presented to them when they would come up with a solution.  It's an exhaustive competition to fight off the inevitable collapse of life at any given moment where every thing is yanked from you and there isn't a single safety net afforded to you.  Finally one day the exhaustion wins and you just can't take it no more.  I'm there.

I miss you.  I want to see your face.  i want to hear your voice.  I want you to say or do something that gets on my last nerve.  If thats never going to happen and all thats left is me spinning alone in darkness then I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.  I don't want to think or feel or be reminded of anything anymore.   I'm sick of all the other fears to come.   I want to either just be non existant or to be heald by someone floating in a cloud.  I don't think I've ever been granted any form of true safety or comfort.  It feels odd.   I want to be responsible and make sure every thing is set up so there is no problems for anyone after I'm gone.   I will not let anyone guess and gossip as to why I had the courage to end my misery.  I will make sure it is explained.  I just never imagined I'd be faced with this decision.    This has to be a nightmare and if it is.. PLEASE someone wake me up NOW.  I love you to infinity!!!  I was a good person.  I did matter.  I gave you my life and I hope you found great joy in me.