I have had a rollercoaster of a week. I got scolded by a doctor because of a serious migrain instead of trying to find out why I have them in the first place. Then all the noise from the fireworks, and the people everywhere. Most of all the holiday itself. My kids loved the 4th of july. 2 weeks before the 4th, my kids would be the most helpful. They knew if they worked hard and did their chores and then some, that I would buy them each their own fireworks. They used to love blowing up cow patties and horse doo! The big smiles, the encouragable laughter when one of them would get hit by a pile of cow pattie! It was one of the best times of my life. I always wonder if I'm ever going to feel that way again? I wonder how different life would be if the boys were still here. How different would it feel? I think it's ok to wonder. I  try not to dwell, but I do wonder. Now today, friday, I put on my favorite music, and I cleaned my house and danced around singing. I got quite a bit done. Then the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. The memories came flooding in. I could hardly control the tears. You see That was the  last song my son Ben and I danced to before he deployed to Iraq. He danced with me on the dance floor in Colorado Springs, in front of all his fellow soldiers and all of his friends. We danced and we cried till the song was over. I kind of knew in my heart that that would be the last time we would ever dance to that song again. It was the last time. When Ben got back from  Iraq, he became very busy getting ready to finish college, so I didn't see him much but we talked every week on the phone and texted during the week. He finally finished college! We were so very proud of him! Now on to the Acadamy for the North Dakota Highway Patrol. A dream Ben had since we moved here in 1992. Ben was 9 years old. His dream was finally coming true. Then the drinking started and he got into some trouble so he had to wait 6 months before he could go to the Acadamy. That was a blow to all of us but mostly to him. So he cleaned up his act and then his close friends were called up to go to Iraq. Ben did not want his buddies to go there without a friend who already knew the ropes so he changed units and volunteered for a second tour of duty. He never made it. The day Ben was buried I did dance to that song, but not with Ben. With Bens father, my beautiful soulmate. The song came on during the sevice, and my husband looked at me, took my hand in his and we danced. We danced in front of everyone. Friends, family, neighbors, dignitaries, fellow soldiers, everyone! If you knew my shy, quiet husband you would've been floored to see him dance and cry in front of all those people. In his arms I felt like we were the only ones in the room. I sang to him, he sang to me. When the song was over, he took my hand and we both leaned over Bens casket, kissed it and said good-bye. It was so quiet you could've hears a pin drop in that gymnasium. Today I watched Garth Brooks sing that song in tribute to Dick Clark. I put my face in a towel and I sobbed, and weeped as if it were happening right now. You see I know I will always have days like these, and I am kind of glad because remembering makes me know just how strong I really am, and how my faith has made me who I am today. A survivor! I continued with my cleaning and dancing, and singing, and lo and behold another song that touched my heart. It was Kenny Rogers "The Greatest". It's a song about a little boy, and a baseball hat. He's got a baseball and a bat. The story goes how this little boy loved the game, and wanted to be the greatest player. It brought back many memories of baseball games, washing uniforms, and cheering them on. Best of all, the hugs after the game win or lose. These memories hurt a little, but I am so grateful to have them. They are mine and no one can take them from my heart. I am grateful because I know there are so many people in this world who never get to experience the love and the joy of life that I've had. I feel like I have already been to hell and back a few times, but the goodness and the joys of life I hope will always out weigh the darkness. Then I heard the song"The House that Built Me" by Miranda Lambert. A song in which is one of my favorite songs to sing. I know this song word for word, and note for note. I stood out on my front porch and I sang this song to God, and anyone within ear shot. I don't normally do things like this, but I was inspired to do it. I wanted my boys to hear my voice. I needed them to hear my voice. I needed them to know that I will sing again! Then of course I came into the house, cried, and laughed! I hope someone dont think I lost my mind! It just felt so good!  The last song for the afternoon was a song by one of my favorite bands. It's title,"Toes" by The Zac Brown Band. I held the hair brush up to my face and I sang and laughed all at the same time. All of these memories are what keep me sane, and let me know how fortunate I really am. It changes the sadness into a good emotional release, and fills the heart with a few moments of joy. If it only lasts a minute I'll take it! Time goes on, and so must I. Things change, and I have to change with them or I'll get left behind, but one thing always stays the same. The Music! Music makes my world continue to go aroud. It sometimes forces me to see the realitys of life, and then it comforts me with it's beautiful sound, and lyrics that give me cause to think and to remember. This week started out pretty rough, but somehow God shined a little light on me, and reninded me of how precious every life is. I know God can't stop the storms that always lay ahead, but I believe when the storm is over God will teach me to dance in the rain. I do believe that memories are in the Music!