Not looking forward to Christmas
It's been a long time since I've posted a Blog on here but I am not looking forward to Christmas I am notBecause the people should be here it's no longer hereSee More
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The little boy up the street
Last night I heard a bunch of sirens go by, As always I froze for a minute and got a sick feeling in my gut. It was a 10 year old boy. He was riding his bike and was hit by a car. He is brain dead. They are waiting for the rest of the family to arrive and then they will terminate his life support. I can barely think about this without getting sick to my stomach. It gives me flashbacks. I am a little disappointed in myself. I can't think of one thing I could say to this young mother to comfort her. My little boy too was killed horrifically 15 years ago and I cant think of one word of comfort. I wish I could say " I can't imagine what your going through". but I can't because I can, because I know all too well what come's next, and the tough road the families of this sweet little boy will have to trod. The horrors and the grief that come's with this is so fresh in my mind even after all these years. My blood pressure is up, my anxiety level is high, and I can hardly breathe. I've been hearing people say " I cant wrap my mind around this tragedy", and I think to myself I wish I didn't also but I don't have that luxury. I'm not a church going woman, but I believe I have a relationship with God, and I feel bad that he always gets blamed for these things even though it's not his fault. I know I've blamed him myself. Then I found a verse in the bible in Matthew 18:14 So it is not of my father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should parish." In all these years I have not read this passage nor has anyone else read it to me. I found it to be very comforting to me. It was a bit of a wake up call for me. I think I will carry this verse with me. That way it can remind me of the truth, and maybe I will yell less at God. I also feel so bad for the Lady who was driving. How incredibly awful she must feel. When my little boy was killed my oldest son was driving and I know for a fact that my Ben carried that guilt with him till the day he was killed himself. I should be grateful. At least I didn't have to make the decision to take my son off life support. There's always the speculation of what a person would do in this situation, but unless it's you walking in these shoes you can't even guess. I'm grateful for my faith in God and the human spirit. I am grateful that I am one of the survivors of this life altering experience, but my heart wishes that nobody else would have to go through it. It's pretty obvious this wish will not come true, so I will accept the things that I can't change. If this young mother should come to me for support, I pray that I can be of strength and comfort. This stuff sucks! Too bad there isn't a guide book for the death of a child. I have read a few but the thing is everyone is different. Like the stars in heaven we all have different facets. We are all unique, and we all grieve in different ways. Some of the books made me wonder how much of it is real and how much is just written to pacify their readers and editors. I tell you who should write a book-Me! I would love to tell my story, but I can't tell the story and type at the same time. I need a ghost writer. It would be nice to have a book out there that tells the truth about the good, the bad, and the ugly of burying your own child. Am I crazy? Probably a little, maybe a lot! The one thing that stops me from writing is the thought that I'd kind of have to go back to those days and relive them. I'm not sure I can do that without the pain. I don't like the pain. It's taken me a long time and a lot of heartache to settle the pain down enough to go on. I'd have to be sure I could bounce back. Anyway, its been a tough day. The death of this little boy reminds me that death does not discriminate.
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Comment by anne on June 16, 2013 at 9:23pm
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I write in bits and pieces. I have journals, and pieces of paper all over. I'm glad I had a way to release some of the really dark and tough thoughts I have had since the very beginning of this journey. I also have blogs on here that have helped me immensely. Especially when I go back and read them as I do on occasion. Sometimes I can get a grip better and faster if I can release all the nonsense and the feelings that I cant control. Some of my writings make me wonder how I even got through one let alone two! They are good reminders of how I can now see the light a little better and why. Peace and good dreams to all.
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Comment by anna l. on June 16, 2013 at 1:42pm
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Some tragedies do take us right back to our own. I think though, that each time it happens we come out of it with a little more self knowledge and make peace with our pasts. When my brother died a couple weeks ago, it was in the same facility my husband was in during his last days. Same type bed, same nurses, same smells, same sounds, brought it all back. On top of that my brother resembled my dad but in his last days he was the image of my dad I carried in my head of the last time I saw my dad in 1966. My dad had cancer and died in hospital after a long hard battle. My brothers children and grandchildren were all around him and I tried hard to rise above my demons to be there for them, to offer what comfort I could, but it was so hard when I know first hand what comes next for them. I hope they can understand why some days I had to keep my distance, and if they don't, that is ok. I also hope they never have to live through anything remotely like what they went through last month because, though they would then understand, they would also know the pain again, and that I do not wish on anyone, ever.
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Comment by Dolly on June 14, 2013 at 11:09pm
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I am saving all my thoughts in a file on my computer...I'm dating them but not trying to correct mistakes or change things yet...that's all I can do so far....I can hardly get that much out...I don't know if it would help me to have a voice to text..I don't know anything about Dragon but my son may..he's a computer engineer..I'll try to find out what he thinks...some computers already have the speech to text on board I think...I think it helps me to write down what Im thinking and feeling in a place I can go back to and look at again later...then maybe start to think how to go from there....too early for me yet I think to try to get more organized
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I have a story you wouldn't believe. We've been through war in Iraq, death, farm trouble, you name it we've been through it. I was thinking about getting a Dragon. It's a computer program you talk into and it types for you. What I think would work is if we could all tell our stories and how we are handling our grief. Put them all together in a book. Then hopefully get published so every parent in the world would have the truth about this subject and some understanding of how this process works. I wish someone could've gave me some insight in my first years of grief. As I have said we all do this differently so the more stories the more understanding and knowledge can be shared. It certainly is something to think about. Maybe if we do this together it would be easier for all. Let me know what you think. Peace and love to all
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Have you thought about recording your story on tape or the computer and then having someone edit it if need be? I have thought of that too...I lost my son suddenly and unexpectedly as well and not only that, but his whole life has been an amazing series of events that has taught me so much about the depths love can reach ...maybe we could both try the recording approach....just start with stories about his life maybe, and then ease into the horror of the deaths we have had to deal with...what do you think? I think there are talk to text aps out there ..the typing would paralyze my thoughts too I'm sure...you definitely have wisdom to share...its evident in what you just wrote...and we all need to be able to hear others who are going through the same horror we are...and I think the stories about his life, and what he was like, would help us experience some joy in the pain ..at least a little...
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