Comment

Comment by S.a.m. on March 14, 2017 at 8:53pm

I agree with those others who have suggested that friends from before are not necessarily friends after. It is a reality...and the same is true of my experience. I too feel I have more in common with people I've never met (who have experienced sudden loss) than most of my friends. I read in a grief book somewhere that the people in your life will probably break out into thirds...one third will actually be of some help, another third will be neutral that is they will not be a help but will not be harmful, and the final third will do harm (not on purpose but nevertheless they will behave in such a way that will cause you harm). His advice was to ditch/or avoid (if you can't ditch) that final group of people.  It's a difficult thing to realize that some or many of your friends just can't manage the empathy/wisdom required to support you through this (for many reasons, several of which Jim has mentioned).

It is completely up to you of course whether you want to keep certain people in your life. But it can be helpful to have someone say that it's okay to realize that a friendship has run its course ...and you are allowed to excise that individual from your life (as a few folks here have). That doesn't make you oversensitive or touchy, etc... it means you're sane (even though grief can make you feel as if you are going insane).

Comment by Louise on March 14, 2017 at 6:52pm

Jim, thank you so much for writing that, you put that into words so beautifully. I have found one of the things this site helps me with is to know I'm not alone in my experience, there are others out there who understand, that I'm not crazy and what I feel is ok and normal.

I just kind of wish there was someone close to me who understood me, who would just empathise and listen, not try to make it better or offer platitudes, but just be with me and hold me, accept me and listen to me.

I suppose that was my husband. He was the most empathetic man I have ever known, he was so kind, caring and wonderful. Whenever I was upset, when I grieved for my grandma and other loved ones who have left me he would just listen and hold me and make me feel safe and loved and happy.

The person I need the most who I know could truly help me is not here and I can never get him back :-( it feels like my heart has been ripped in two. I just want him back.

Comment by jim on March 14, 2017 at 3:53pm

With death, whether by suicide, murder accident or disease people in general are uncomfortable dealing in any way with the subject and their reactions are thus superficial at best. Avoiding death even in conversation is likened to avoiding the plague. People will say the most callous remarks such as" do you have other children?" As if that would certainly be enough to make you feel better. Or how about"you know it's really time for you to move on". REALLY? Thank you for informing me of that. I'll be sure to move on at your insistence. Or perhaps the person acts as though nothing has happened. It seems like a communal distaste for all things related to death and dying, the realities of it or conversations about it.

   What is the answer? Perhaps not to dwell on others reactions or lack thereof and work through your crisis(which really is perpetual and not solved easily or quickly). You are no longer the same person as you were prior to the explosion that ripped your heart out and destroyed your life. There is no way for anyone who is not living through it to truly understand. Which makes you learned in a topic that you would have preferred to know absolutely nothing about. But that is not the reality is it? You now know way too much and it is forever just as your loss is. Hopefully you will find some sense of peace here or at least comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone

Comment by Jerry on March 13, 2017 at 9:56pm

I love to reflect on my wife's wisdom that is all I have left to cherish amongst the amazing memories we made for 18 years. Some people are just ignorant...not arrogant as first seems, but ignorant. I was respectful to grieving people, but never new the ignorance of it all until I have become fully vested in grief. They are purely ignorant and will unfortunately have their turn come along someday. How am I? "Eeh, living" is all I got.

Comment by Louise on March 13, 2017 at 9:18am

Thanks AnneJ, it seems to be a common theme for anyone who's lost someone but what a shitty thing to happen. I guess you find out who your real friends are at a time like this, but it's an additional pain we could do without. As you say, human beings are basically a bunch of self-interested, selfish b******s!

Comment by Louise on March 12, 2017 at 5:44pm

Bluebird, Angela & M Adams, thank you for your replies, it helps to have the support and know there are people out there who can relate, albeit on an Internet forum. M Adams, I've been there, just sitting listening while a friend goes on and on about how her BF doesn't appreciate her or how he annoyed her just the other day and I feel myself thinking "well at least you've still got him" but also how insignificant and stupid all that stuff really is. How everything can just shatter in an instant. I feel like I don't have anything in common with my friends anymore and they have nothing in common with me and like you say, it makes you isolate yourself from them. I guess maybe I am to blame as well for us drifting apart, but I just don't have the energy to care. God I hate how whiny I sound, it's so hard to not be bitter. {{{Hugs}}} to everyone xxx

Comment by M Adams on March 12, 2017 at 5:05pm

Thank you for posting this. It's sort of comforting to hear that other people have the same problem with "how are you" e-mails. I'm sure they are well intentioned but they are so depressing and upsetting -- I know people don't want to hear how I am, but if I ignore the e-mails that creates drama. On the other hand, I don't want to lie, that seems pointless, but when I respond by briefly saying I'm feeling low, it seems to start up an exchange that I'm not really able to maintain. I can't honestly connect about the normal issues of my female friends, like complaints about a husband taking his wife's car keys or not complimenting her current ensemble. It's just the normal stuff of life, and I guess it's my problem now that I can't relate or tolerate. I don't want to lecture people on how to communicate with me, so I guess the best I can do is keep it brief, though I worry that I'm isolating myself more and more, which feels okay but is probably not all that healthy.

Comment by Angela on March 8, 2017 at 11:35pm

I read Dear Prudence advice columns on Slate.com, and I am trying to think like her.  She gives great advice.  As for what to say, how about something like "You know Marybelle, we have been friends for such a long time.  But it makes me more than uncomfortable how you diminish my feelings and show so little support to me in my time of need.  I would like it if you could listen and not condemn me for what I tell you, and just be a friend and not a critic of my feelings."  As for the banal topics of conversation, maybe that's her not knowing what to say since she does not understand what you are going through.

I like how Bluebird said it also.  And you don't have to keep friends just because they have clocked in the years with you.  People change and if her presence is dreaded, cutting ties cleanly may be your only option.  Good luck with what you decide.

Comment by bluebird on February 25, 2017 at 3:17pm

I understand. I have told my family and friends not to ask me that question anymore, because I don't want to have to answer it, because my answer would always be the same (I am devastated and wish I were dead), and because they will never like the answer.  When it comes to customers at work or random people like the grocery store cashier, I don't actually answer it, I just respond with "How are you?", and I find that 99% of the time the other person doesn't even notice that I never actually said how I am -- which is just fine with me.

Like you, I have been destroyed by the death of my husband. There is no joy or happiness in life for me anymore, and there never will be. The literal best I can "hope" for (I don't actually hope, anymore) is that the rest of my loved ones and their pets will remain happy and healthy, and that no more bad shit will happen to anyone us, and that I can make enough money to live on without worrying so much, and that I will die as soon as possible after our cat's life has reached its natural end. That's it.  Neutrality, essentially. No joy.  

Your friend was probably trying to be helpful, but she has no idea what this hell is like. Whether or not you meet with her is up to you, but if I were you, if you do decide to meet with her, I would first tell her (via phone or e-mail or whatever you choose) that your are not "going through a rough patch", and that you are not "dwelling on it", that actually your life has had a fucking tsunami rage through it, which has destroyed everything in its path, and that THAT is where you live now, and if she understands that and won't spout cliches or try to make you not talk about it or stop dwelling on it then maybe you can meet, but if not, then no thanks.

At least, that's what I would do.