The amount of things I'm grieving feel numerous:

I'm grieving the loss of the physical presence and connection of someone who was my entire world and in every moment of my day. I have had 4 main experiences I cannot logic away and given that indeed was his spirit presence, he is still with me. But of course I would much rather just have him physically here like it was before.

I'm grieving the loss being completely sudden and shocking. How can you explain loss when they're here one moment, collapsed and gone the next. You can explain the ground being covered with old, brown leaves that fall from a tree in autumn. But how do you explain the green ones that fall. 

I'm grieving how much I miss his personality. His artistry and creativity, intelligence, amazing sense of humor ... so much uniqueness, so many great qualities that continue the list. I know it's cliche but he really was one of a kind.

I'm grieving his life potential. He had yet to hit his stride, get in the prime of his life. Life was a struggle and especially in relationships he never had one to truly support him or encourage his creativity. I was gonna be that one. I was excited to be that one and see his potential flourish.

I'm grieving my life potential. I have yet to hit my stride, get in the prime of life. Life has been a struggle and ever since high school I always felt for me to become my full potential and really succeed I needed a romantic love doing it with me. I felt life was finally going to take off for me.

I'm grieving our life potential together. My mom has said we were like our own creatures. That was what made us so perfect with each other. Never have I known someone having so many things in common and that we could share/enjoy, especially feeling like one who has always been the oddball never really fitting in anywhere. Over the course of our relationship I felt I finally found the one. The moment he met me, he felt I was the one. I was ready and waiting to create our life together.

I'm grieving how unfair this is. At only 35, this was not supposed to be my life. Nor at 46, his. I know logically these things can happen. But it's not supposed to. It's not the "norm". We were supposed to grow old together like so many other people get. 

I'm grieving all of our "somedays" lost, that we always talked about, now never to be fulfilled. Even something as simple as coming home to him cooking in the kitchen, I'll never get. Again, it's not at all fair.

I'm grieving not having his love, here, now, in the physical. We fought a lot until a breakthrough just under 3 months before he passed. I've been the checklist before in a relationship where I was good enough to "fit the bill". Gary was a first where, both ways, we wanted to be with the other because of who they were and what we would be together. Not because it was easy, convenient, or just filled some unmet need. I remember a fight where I felt I was getting the continual beat down of all the things I don't do right. I was beyond tired of fighting and out of that frustration told him if he was so unhappy maybe he needs to go be with someone else. His reply: "I don't want to be with anyone else". That was our love. In spite of all the fighting, all the challenges, all the situational obstacles we had in the way, we had a love so deep, so true. Before if a relationship was stressful, I'd rather just be single. After Gary passed I realized why I stayed with him. I'd rather be stressed out than be without him. All because I knew how amazing and perfect it would be if we could just get past all the fighting. 

Lastly, I'm grieving the relationship we started but couldn't finish. We had some small breakthrough happen 7 months before he passed but the real stride happened in those last 3. I could feel us finally on the better path, the path I knew would get us to all the potentials. 

How beyond sad. So completely unfair, truly heart breaking, life obliterating, plain, fucking, disastrously, depressingly sad ...