Last week I cleaned our garage. It was pretty bad. I hadn't touched anything in there for 4 years. That was the time we put most of Bens personal things in the garage that his roommate, and buddies brought to us. We had it all at the farm, and brought it to our house in town 4yrs ago. I guess my feelings are that you don't have to get rid of anything until your ready. I have things that I have had since Lil Del died. I will never part with those things, and that's OK! I knew I had to move Ben's things so I could sweep under it all. So I saved that part for last. I took a short break before I attempted to tackle the inevitable. I moved the footlocker, but I didn't open it. Than I went through a bag of his clothing. I cried. I decided to bring them in the house, and put them in the spare room until I'm ready to go through them, and wash them, and get them ready to hopefully have a quilt made. I like that idea! Anyway under a shirt was a picture of Ben, and his dad. They were standing in the farm house. Both had black Stetson cowboy hats on, and their farm clothes. I picked it up, and I cried like a baby. Ben loved and respected his father so much. After I was done sobbing I looked at the picture again, and the strangest thing happened. I felt a sense of acceptance. This feeling has come and gone over the years, but this time it was undeniable. I couldn't stop it from over coming me. I had to take a deep breath to calm down it hit me so hard. I wondered why I didn't cry as long??/ Why wasn't I wanting to run away? It was a very odd feeling. It took me awhile to figure out what was going on with me. Actually It took 5 days to just begin to feel less confused. I put the picture up by my side of the bed after I asked my husband if It was ok for it to be there. Everyone grieves different so when it comes to the boys I ask in case it makes him uncomfortable. He turns the channel for me if he's watching a tv show with cars smashing, and burning, or people burning cause he knows how bad they freak me out. The whole day of cleaning got me really thinking deeply about life. I try to avoid thinking about life sometimes because it makes me so confused, and more sad than glad. This time it was different. It was finally starting to hit me what is going on. I believe I'm making good strides in the acceptance department. The time had come for me to get to know the different person I have become. The pain is still there, and I expect it always will be, but I had control over how long I was going to allow myself to cry, and when it was time to stop. I am in control over me. Losing my children is always going to hurt, and I will always carry a large sore spot in my heart. However I also have faith that can't be taken away. I have hope that one day we will all be together, and continue the love. After the whole garage thing I drove 400mi to see my daughter, and grandbabies, and I went alone. Another act out of my comfort zone. It was so freeing. I had a chance to talk to myself, and get to know who I am now. Each time I have been through this I have learned a lot about the me before, and the me after. I cranked up the music, and drove like I was driving to heaven! Every time I have times like this they get better, and better. I learn more, and more. I had to learn how to deal with the pain, sorrow, anger, and the deep sadness of what was, and what will never be the same again. The acceptance of what has happened has made me think more about what life really is, and what I want out of it. What I wanted was to feel  independent again. I don't want to feel the fear, the sadness or the anger. I have felt all of those things and more so much over the years that I am at a point where I want to be free. I will never stop loving the boys. I will never stop thinking about them, and have a cry if I need too. I'm the only one who gets to decide how I feel, what I think, and how I react. After the long ride my daughter took me to see Sir Paul McCartney. Concert of a lifetime! The music was wonderful, the atmosphere was something I haven't felt in years. Imagine 17thousand people in one arena singing together. My soul felt like it had burst out of the hard shell it has been in for a long time. That was the best therapy I've ever had. I am finally ready to take care of business! I'm proud that I gave myself the time I needed to get out most of the bad, and bring back the good. Time once again is so different for everyone. This is how I know that it can happen. It's happened for me, again! I had forgotten how good this feeling is. I played with my grandkids, and we did lots of crafts! Most of all I am ready to accept what I can't change. When a person grieves these feelings go back and forth, but when a person is ready to accept what's happened, you'll know. It's like a lightning bolt that strikes you in the heart. It's a feeling that unless you have walked in my shoes you couldn't possibly understand or describe. I know there will always be those crappy days, but I'm not afraid of them. I am just going to go with my own flow. When I think about it life went on even when I didn't want to. People kept on living and dying no matter how I felt. The earth kept on spinning whether I liked it or not. During that time though I have learned, grieved, and allowed myself to release most of the negative. What I am left with is Love. I can see all I have been blessed with. I am free to be me. Flaws, emotions, craziness, and joy. It's all me, and I'm ok with that! I know more about God now. I'm positive about how I feel, and think about God. I have a real honest loving relationship with my father in heaven. There will always be questions without answers, but that's where trust and faith come in. So my advice to anyone grieving is to take the time you need to travel your journey. You have control over how much time you need to deal. It's the best gift you can give yourself. I guess if you can't change what's already happened you might as well learn from it, and change the things you can.