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Comment by bluebird on September 25, 2016 at 10:39pm

morgan,

What about just packing all the stuff into the rented truck, then dealing with it when you get to the destination? Or were you saying that no one will be able to be there at the destination, either?  If that's the case, then if it's feasible what about just packing it all into the truck and then unloading it all into the new house or storage unit or whatever the destination is, and sorting it out at a later date, when someone might be able to be there for support?

May I ask what you do in order to earn an income? I'm not sure what you mean by being "over the top in trying to reconstruct [your] life with the decisions [you] have made to make an income". If you don't want to explain, that's ok, I'm just trying to work out what you mean.

I certainly understand not having the energy or motivation to do anything, in any case, as it's the same for me.  I understand feeling trapped, too. I have wanted to die since the moment I learned my husband has died. Every second of my life since that moment has been unwillingly lived, on my part. I wish I had died when he did. 

I also agree with your view on the existence or non-existence of god. I very much doubt there is a god, and if there is then I don't trust the bastard. I know that every human eventually dies, but the timing of my husband's death pretty much proves to me that there is no such thing as a loving god. Like you, I believe that if there were, it would recognize that I am done with this life and would honor my desire to die, and extend the life and health of someone old or ill who still wishes to live. This IS like living in a universe we don't recognize, and it is completely surreal, as you said.  We don't live here, we are just sort of stuck here for the moment.

Comment by morgan on September 25, 2016 at 6:35pm

Bluebird,  Thanks for asking about having someone with me when I open the POD.  Unfortunately the only people who will probably be with me will be movers. People I don't know.  Reason being I cannot have the POD shipped all the way to its new destination and since it needs to be unloaded and packed into a transport rented truck and then unpacked once more at the destination no one I know will likely be able to coordinate enough time to come and give me support. It's probably going to take 6-8 hours to complete and the only person a can think of near where this is happening is just too busy.  It is/was a good suggestion though.  

I have gotten to the point now Bluebird, where I am over the top in trying to reconstruct my life with the decisions I have made to make an income.  Its a long story but I am fighting the overwhelming and trying to maintain.  I keep doing it but like most of us here find no reason to do so.  Or I don't do it because I just don't have the energy much less the motivation and so just climb into bed and beg for release.  

I've never wanted to die, but i do now.  I feel so trapped. I feel like i am in a little box and can't escape.  All I want is to be taken out of this world and all that keeps happening is I awaken to another day.  It's one of the reasons why I have a tough time listening to how others think there is a god.  I get how important it is for them and that's fine, but logic and reasoning tells me that any kind of benevolence at a supernatural level would recognize that i am ready to leave and honor that wish while giving my space to someone who wants to stay.  I am just so exhausted.  It doesn't seem right.  The pain and the suffering of living without my husband is like living in a universe I do not recognize and yet I now it exists all around me.  Its surreal.  

Having moved around to a couple places in the past three years + I find when i look at people passing me by and because I know I don't know them I feel like I am so disconnected from reality and yet here I am.  Living on and having to participate in a place that is so foreign.  A place I don't belong. 

There is not one person who will ever be enough for me to fill the huge gaping hole left by my husband.  They have their life.  I have what I call mine.  I just wish mine was no longer.  

Comment by bluebird on September 25, 2016 at 4:13pm

My husband died four years ago. I have kept most of his clothes, and I wear many of his t-shirts. I have his jeans and underwear and the t-shirts that don't fit me all packed away, and I will keep them for the rest of my life. I did give away a new belt and new socks that he never wore, and some sweaters that he had received as gifts but really never wore because they are not his style.  It didn't bother me to give those things away, because they really weren't associated with him, plus I gave them to someone I know who was getting clothes together to give to people who had lost a lot in Hurricane Sandy, so I knew they were going to people who really needed them, which is exactly what my husband would have done and what he wanted.

His other stuff -- books, musical instruments, his eyeglasses, etc. -- I have also kept. He didn't have a huge amount of stuff, but I have kept what he had. I also still keep his toothbrush next to mine in the toothbrush holder in the bathroom, and I have his deodorant and his electric razor put away in the vanity under the bathroom sink. I will also keep all of these things for the rest of my life.

I didn't have to deal with any large items, because when he moved in with me he sold and gave away most of the furniture from his apartment, as it was second-hand, he wasn't attached to it emotionally, and my furniture was nicer.  I can't imagine having to deal with an entire POD of stuff like morgan (morgan -- have you considered having someone with you when you go through that stuff? someone you can trust.  I do think packing it away as you did was the right way to go).

Donna, if you want to keep his stuff, then keep it.  Only you can make decisions regarding his clothing and other items; only you have the right to make those decisions. The "experts", such as they are, tend to say that it's best not to make any major changes for at least a year after the death.  Maybe doing what I did, packing a lot of it away, would help you.  I would recommend keeping a few things out if you do that, though, so that you can see them whenever you want to.

Comment by morgan on September 23, 2016 at 7:15pm

I have avoided doing anything wth most of what were my husbands personal items for 3 plus years so those who are still preserving things I think are doing exactly what is to be expected.  I am going to have to deal with a  16 foot POD full of our world belongings in about a month after storing it for this whole time and I am trying to prepare myself for what a toll that is going to take on me.  

This whole journey is a lot of letting go and there are some things that happen where we have to let go (like what you did trina) and then there are others where we simply cannot let go and have to keep.  I am very conflicted about what is to come with the POD because I too sold our home but at the time I could not deal with sorting and giving stuff away (it all happened too fast) so it all got packed.  You were very brave Trina.  What you did required immense fortitude and that you got through it is a testament to how you are trying to deal with being the one left behind.  I may be strong in some things but what you did is still beyond my grasp although I am going to be faced with looking at my stored life very soon.  I hope I can manage it.  

Comment by joanne on September 23, 2016 at 5:57pm

Hi Donna, I still have Andys clothes in the wardrobe, I have his coats on the coat stand, all of his toiletries are still in the bathroom, everything remains how it was, its been 14 months,  and I still can not move anything, if I do I feels like i am letting him go, and I can't do that, I won't do that, I too have thoughts of what if he comes back, many will say that that is not normal, but I do not care, you are not stupid nor are you out of your mind, you just love him so much as I do Andy, I will keep Andys things for as long as I want too, we all have our own ways.hugs to you xxx